Don’t let others define who you are

I came close to taking my life a week ago on Monday, December 17th..   It was a very temporary crisis, but it was shockingly real.   Most people perceive me as being very strong.  My strength comes from my resiliency, but I’d sunk to the point that down was looking happier than up.

I came to this website via the link to Suicide…Read This First, by metanioa.  It builds on the statement, “Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”

My resources were thin.  Loneliness was a factor.  A recent breakup with a lover was a factor.  A cruelly insensitive comment by an acquaintance was a factor.  A death in the family and need to travel to a funeral. Christmas, Newtown, Seasonally Affective Disorder, menopause, couple of friends moving away, signs of aging, the cold and gray of winter lacking birdsong…..lots of likely cofactors in my fragility on December 17th.

I made the mistake of tipping off my almost-20 year old daughter to my dark mood, letting her know on Sunday that I was having thoughts of suicide.  On Monday, we had a huge, horrible fight.  I imploded.  She told me I was an “attention whore” for talking about suicide.  At that point, I felt that I had to go through with it just to show I wasn’t bluffing!

The pain was a tsunami ….it picked me up and carried me far away from my family, my friends.  The light of their love faded to cold points of light far away…..like a few stars in the night sky.

I felt oh so lightly tethered to the earth.  I felt that no one really cared about me.  I felt that I was nothing.
I laid out my will, the insurance policies and the key to the safe and the key to the  safe deposit box.

But I had reasons to hold off.  My aunt was being buried on Tuesday.  I couldn’t upstage her funeral with the news that I was dead!
And I had a few enemies.  I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of dancing on my grave!  And my house was a wreck.  I couldn’t depart leaving such a mess behind….people would say I was crazy and that wouldn’t do.  LOL

So I visited a friend.  He reminded me that he didn’t choose to allow other people to define who he is.  That made sense to me.  The turnaround started then.

Over the last 8-9 days, I’ve thought a lot about my dark night of the soul.  I felt shame, remorse for scaring my daughter.  But more importantly,  I came to realize that the reason my attachment to the earth was so light was not because people didn’t care for me.  It was because I wasn’t caring enough about people.  I think that it’s not how much people care for you that keeps one tethered in the here and now, but rather,  how actively one is involved in giving to others, or is involved in a purpose, a higher calling.  That’s what keeps one grounded.  This was a theme in a book called Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.

“The salvation of man is through love and in love.”  

It’s so simple.  As Carol King sang, “You’ve got to wake up every morning, with a smile on your face, and show the world All the love in your heart.  People gonna treat you better, you’re gonna find, yes you will…..That you’re beautiful, As you feel.”

Well, that’s what’s working for me anyway.