So I’ve decided and now I’m finally at peace. It’s the only thing which actually makes the inner-turmoil stop. On my 25th birthday, I’m going to kill myself. I’ve always thought that my birthday would be a good day, mostly because when I see people’s headstones or dates of death, I always try and figure out how old they were. If you die on your birthday, you make it so much easier for people to do that,
This year is supposed to be a new year, new beginnings, etc but just because we add another digit to the year, doesn’t mean anything has changed or will change. This latest depressive episode has gone on for just over a year, and involved one serious suicide attempt. I decided on the 31st that my resolution would be no more attempts. After waking up on the 1st, coming down from too many highs and remembering how horrible and irritating a person I am, I realised that no more attemts can easily have a second meaning.
I think it’s unfair for me to keep living and using non-renewable resources when it’s obvious that I’ll never be loved, or successful, or even happy. What right do I have to do that? It’ll be much better when I die. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, I just feel that I’ll lose all cognition. I won’t have any pain or regrets as I will lack the ability to formulate thoughts. And I won’t be aware that I lack that ability as I will have ceased to exist.
I want to be buried in a cardboard coffin, that way my body will break down faster. I’ll finally be able to give something back. My body will decompose and re-enter the earth. It will provide sustenance for bugs and plants, and my atoms will re-enter the world in lots of different forms. Hopefully some of those forms will have purposes and be happy.
My parents and brother will be sad, but in time they’ll come to understand. It’s more selfish for me to stay alive, and for them to wish that, then it is to die. At the end of the day, we’re all just tiny, inconsequential specks. My absence won’t be felt for long.
I have 29+28+16 days to get my affairs in order. I’m not so horrible that I’ll leave my mother to have to plan my funeral too.
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2 comments
You remind me of me. Except younger.
The cardboard coffin is a nice idea. I want to donate my body to science to “give something back” and because my parents don’t do funerals anyway — and I don’t care if my body gets abused. It’s worthless in life, why should I care about it in death??
I don’t understand the part about helping others. In my experience, most people are either horrible or horrific overachievers. I don’t want to help horrible people (like those who have mocked me, exploited me or raped me) and the overachieving med students, dental students, UN award winners, foreign correspondents, etc that I hang out with, sure as hell shouldn’t need my help. I’d rather help animals and plants. They don’t ask for anything, they don’t take anything you can’t give and they don’t try to make you feel worthless.