When I was a little girl in about 3rd grade I got bullied. I got called fat, blubber, and so many other things. I stopped eating around 4th grade. in 5th grade I was only 80 pounds and once I even passed out and was rushed to the hospital. Of course I got ridiculed for that as well. then later in the year a girl named Tia came along, we were best friends. Things were getting better I gained weight and reached a weight of 110 pounds which for me was a lot. Then she started hanging out with the wrong crowd, she turned her back and told all my secrets she made life hell. I cut a few times and then people found out and called me slicer, fat fuck, pshyco, dead shit, and more. that was it I left school for four weeks and went to London to see my dad. The last week I was there I found out my dad had bone cancer. It was too far along for chemo, he was dying and could’nt be saved. If this is’nt enough to force on a 11 year old when I got back to school I got beat up everyday. They would secretly heat things like forks or spoons or knives in the microwaves and then put them on my skin. It burned like hell. I could’nt scream, I could’nt go for help. Nothing.
sixth grade rolled around and I was completely dreading it. my dad at this point was as good as dead. and my mom was dating a new guy. At first everything at school was fine, until when I was walking home some of my classmates jumped me. they beat me up until I passed out. and left me there. I woke up at night just laying on the ground. I went to the hospital with multiple injuries. my arm was broke and so was my wrist and ankle. I started cutting more often after that. then one day something snapped I got online and looked up how to tie a noose. I was going to kill myself. that night I cut. I ended up hitting a vein. I was once again rushed to the hospital. And I was never again to be seen by the sixth graders at Pcs middle school.
2012-2013 Have been awesome. but I’m still struggling. I’m 13 and weigh in at only 89 pounds. I discovered I’m good at singing and poetry and dance. I still cut but it got to become an addiction almost. I still have the noose from sixth grade.
but until I use it, I’m a fighter.
I hope I’ll never have to use it.
2 comments
*sending virtual hug* stay strong!
You define who you are.
You are not any of those things.
If you believe you are those things then you are.
Humans are like Gods, we are given the freedom to create or destroy.
But like in a society of Gods, if a God is teased, he/she will be convinced that she has such little power compared to everyone else.
Life is beyond such things.
There is another place. A different place. A different way for things to be.
You decide. But if there is anyway or anyone that someone/something is denying your mental freedom, leave it, go, and be free.
It is your right to feel safe and loved by yourself and if anyone is saying your a certain way – you may think you are that way.
But ultimately, even if they try and even if you believe them you would be wrong from the start. For words are FAR FAR inferior to the true internal nature of human beings. If they call you fat, they are calling you a state in which details a fraction of what is really there. You know you are not just a piece of f*cking lard.
You are a living, breathing, loving being that is able to notice itself.
If your aware of yourself, that must mean your able to define who you are, yes?
Glass half empty or glass half full. That is the way it is.
And don’t let anyone tell you different. If someone is doing that, leave for that is the most dangerous thing someone can do beside killing you.
To believe someone else’s word over your own EXISTENCE (not your word, your BEING) is a serious thing.
Get the freedom to think as you wish and change everything.
kc.aycee@gmail.com
Be well.