Tried and failed.

I have been traveling for the past few months.  Thought that doing so might give me a new perspective on life. Might make me actually want to endure the pain of chemotherapy to keep going.  But once I returned the feeling went away.

My end date will be February 25 for sure now.  Enough time for me to set up certain things for my nieces and nephews and spend some time with them.  My family and everyone I know thinks I am going to Japan or Korea to live except for one friend who figured it out on her own.

How do you tell people you care about that life just is not rewarding to you?  How do you tell your mom that you wish she would have aborted you?  Especially when there are people in lot worse situations still hanging on.

My cousin and my son died in the same year.  I would have given my life to save them.  My cousin was a great guy and worked hard to take care of his family and now the kids arte growing up without him.  My son was a beautiful and intelligent child and died because his mom and I were too stupid to get along.

And there is the cancer.  It is pancreatic and my father died from the exact same thing.  Nobody knows about that either.

I was hoping I’d never have to post here again.  But here I am. Lol.  It is kind of funny really when you think about it.  I think that some organisms just have no will to live.