sometimes the feelings stay

every so often i fall for someone that doesnt return the feelings and i get broken hearted and after about a week i get over it. life moves on and new boys come and go. I do want love considering i really have never had it but it just hurts. I think i may have fallen for someone and its ending badly. my fiance of 1yr 8 months passed away and i cried every night for almost two months yet this guy whos still here technically i havent stopped crying in going on three days. im wearing a jacket he let me borrow and every time i take it off i realize its going away like he his and the tears come again. I feel like an insane loser. this is ridiculous. after all ive been through and i never cried this one boy single handedly broke me to bits and its getting harder everyday. No i wont finish it myself because of a broken heart but the other things added to is just getting to much. Last night i came up with my plan. Who knows what will happen and when ill do it but im scared of myself. I dont want to die but i cant stand living. What is wrong with me??