Frankly, I don’t know where to begin. My life isn’t that tragic. Perhaps I blow things out of proportion. Nonetheless, I feel empty, hopeless, and contemplating the path to death. I don’t want to kill myself – I just want to start over. However, there are “dreams that cannot be”.
I used to want to be a book writer. Now, I can’t think of anything to write about. I really want to bring attention to the depression and hopelessness so many of us are feeling and magically propose a solution to everyone, but that’s impossible. I want to write a book about suicide. I want to change the world somehow.
I miss my boyfriend. I miss him with all my heart. Most people get over breakups relatively soon, don’t they? I don’t. I contemplate breakups for months – what’s wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? I have never loved someone as much as I loved him. I did not know it at the time. I probably treated him like crap without knowing so. No, maybe it’s not that. He just never loved me. He’s a young boy with plenty of hope for the future and so many girls swooning over him. I’m ugly. He can do so much better than me. Nonetheless, I love him and I will always protect him, no matter how often I tell him I don’t care about him anymore.
Growing up in an all-Asian community is pretty tough. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not racist. All my friends are Asian. I love Asians. I admire them. I wish I was Asian. It’s really awkward to sit in class and listen to people speaking Cantonese, and you’re wondering what the hell they’re saying. Or we’re at a restaurant and they tell you, “You want a fork?” It’s annoying. It’s awkward. I speak Japanese better than even some American-Japanese people in my class. Yet, in my community, I’m always looked down upon for not being Asian, but “Asian-washed”. I’m a white girl – I should stick with my own kind, shouldn’t I? We don’t want you in our Asian markets. The worst part is I love Asian guys, but they can never date me because I am not one of them. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I loved my boyfriend so much.
God, what do I do? Being at home is so lonely. I really don’t have anyone to talk to. I want to meet more people at my school. I have a few friends, but they always disappear after school ends. Otherwise, meeting new friends is hopeless. My reputation as a slut and stalker … two names I don’t think I deserve … gets in the way. I try to make friends, but again, I’m looked down upon for being a “loser” and hanging out in the “freak group”. I know after high school it doesn’t matter. I really know, but I don’t want to grow up.
I don’t find enjoyment in ANY activity. Not like I used to. I used to love acting. Not anymore. I used to love a hell of a lot of things. I don’t find socializing fun at all. I just want my boyfriend. I just wanna hug him and go to his house like the old days.
God help me.