Help…

Honestly. I need it. I want to cut again. I’ve actually brought my knife out today. It felt better to touch it against my skin, but I didn’t cut. I put the blade back. But I pressed hard enough that I have a red mark on my wrist. I want to die. Honestly. I found out that Trevor and Jacob both actually said that. I loved him. I swear, I’m being completely honest, I loved him. It’s stupid. I never went out with him, and he apparently never liked me. He called me ugly. And now, I believe him. All I can see when I look in a mirror now is just a stupid, ugly, untalented, little whore with an ugly smile, eyes that are too small, lips that are too thin, a nose too huge, and a horrid birthmark that looks like I have a fucking ugly bruise on my left temple. I see a girl with big bones, height, and feet that she got from her daddy. I see a girl that is too fat, but tries to lie and say that she’s skinny. Well, I hardly think that 155 lbs. is skinny. I see a girl with a personality that’s just as ugly as her body. No guy likes a girl like that. I see a girl that, when she finally snaps and kills herself, hardly anyone will come to her funeral. And so, I see no point in living. I’m sick of not being able to go for two days without hurting again. I was so happy those two days. Monday and Tuesday. But then it ended. Today. Someone had to mess it up again. It seems like the only thing that makes me happy anymore is having a crush. But I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m sick of feeling numb, feeling happy, hurting, then repeat. I don’t want to do this anymore. Or maybe I could like someone, and not tell anyone. But I don’t think I’ll be able to like anyone for a while. It may take me over a month, may take me less than a month, but I’ll get over it eventually. I hope. I just don’t want to hurt, but it’s all I can do right now.