Unlike most kids, some nursery rhymes haunted me. One of those is Row Your Boat. It’s almost like… I don’t know. It’s almost like it’s about a depressed person, just going through life, feeling like it’s just a dream. That’s definitely how it feels now to me. Every second is just a dream. I’ll probably wake up soon, and I’ll be 8 again. My grandpa won’t die, and life will be perfect. Trevor will never have existed. Lacey won’t die. Nana won’t hate me. My mom will be proud of me. Maybe I can do something. But then again, I don’t want this to be a dream. I’ve got Charlie. My mom might not ever be proud of me, but I have succeeded before. I do all the time. But I have faults, too. I’m too fat. I’m just gonna skip lunch as much as I can at school. Then I can eventually stop eating at home, too. Maybe everyone will finally think that I”m acceptable. I mean, hell, right now, I don’t care. I mean, I do, but…. I just want someone to love me. But I know that no one will. Not with the way I am right now. If they liked me, they would have done something. Besides, I didn’t know this, but Trevor is abusive. He’s obviously not a real man, and he will never be. He never was nice to me, anyway. Never. He always had an I’m-better-than-you attitude. He acted like he was a prince and I was his servant. Well guess what! I’m not! I’m not just some girl that he can treat like that. I won’t take it. Kendall might not care, but I do. I deserve better. I deserve a whole hell of a lot better. Anyway, I have to go. Bye for now.
I’m tired of trying to be like I was before; happy, etc. I just want to take a break for a little while. I’m not going to cut, or at least I’ll try not to, but I’m not going to really be happy either. I think that Trevor doesn’t like me. I’m not using any buts this time. No hope for it. I’m done with him. For real. No crawling back. Thinking back on it, he’s probably at least 25% of why I was so unhappy before. I just don’t care about him. I mean, I don’t even want to think about him. Or any other guy. There aren’t any guys that I know that are worth liking. I’m just done. For a little while, at least. Or maybe forever. I’m not sure yet. I just don’t want to get hurt again. I’m sick of feeling bad. Oh, and I forgot to mention something. Somebody started a rumor that I had sex with Jamie’s brother. I didn’t. If I had, I would say that I did, but I didn’t. I don’t even like him. But I’m done with trying to get revenge, too. “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord”. I’m just gonna let go, and let God. If he has someone for me, okay. If he doesn’t, I guess that’s okay, too. Anyways, I guess I’m not really taking a break from life, I’m just taking a break from all of the drama. I’ve got a lot to live for right now, and drama isn’t a part of it. Bye for now.
I wish my parents were different. I’m sick of never doing anything right. Oh well, I guess. But I realized something. I don’t want to ever marry a guy. I’m afraid that he would treat my kids the same way that my dad treats me. I won’t let that happen. I don’t want any little girl to go through anything like I have. Or any little boy, for that matter. Seriously. As much as it hurts me, I don’t want anyone else to go through it. So I’ll live alone. I’ll do whatever I want, and have no one else to judge me. That’s another reason that I don’t want to fall in love. I’m sick of being judged. When I get out of my parents’ house, I can finally be free of all of the judgement. My dad judges my mom all the time. She can’t get anything right, either. I’m just too tired to deal with any of that anymore. I’m sick of Â having sweaty hands, a racing heart, and butterflies in my stomach. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. If there was one song I could sing to Trevor, I would either sing “Diseased” by Seether or “King of Anything” by Sara Bareilles. Probably Diseased, though. “I will never belong to you again, I will never belong to you,” perfectly describes what I want to say. Anyway, I have to go. I have school tomorrow, and a lot of pain to go through, I’m sure.
I seriously hate goodbyes. All they ever do is make people cry. One thing I love, though, is Black Veil Brides. So, I was sick and bored, so I watched an interview of Andy Biersack. He said a lot of stuff about bullying, and it made me feel a lot better. So, yeah, Garrett’s gone. He moved last week. I guess it’s okay. I miss him, though. He was a good friend. A lot of my friends kept saying that he was a jerk and stuff, but I told them to shut up. Man, I’m sick of going up and down. I mean, people tell me that Trevor justÂ has to like me. I’ll admit that he does treat me differently than he does other girls. But whatever. Last semester, when he was single, and he knew that I liked him, he could have done something. But did he? No. He blew me off. Then he wants to go and act like he does like me. If he does or ever did, I officially don’t give a fuck. From now on, there will be no more dreams about him. I don’t have time for worrying about him. I got a letter from Duke TIP saying that I did better than the majority of seventh graders who took the ACT. (Yes, I’m in 7th grade. I was accepted to take the ACT because I did really good on another test) I may get a scholarship. I don’t plan to go to Duke University, but it would feel nice to have a scholarship already. And I have to practice on my trumpet. I’ve got so much stuff to do that it just doesn’t allow time to worry about that douche bag. I don’t have time for worrying about any guy, actually. Thinking about one? Maybe. But not thinking about one like I did Trevor. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and plenty of time to find them. Â There’s also plenty of time for being happy. I do feel better. Completely better? No, but better than I did feel. Bye for now. (This time, it’s not bye forever.)
I think it’s time for me to go. I’m still fucked up, if not more fucked up than when I first came here. Trevor loves Kendall, and I think it’s time for me to realize it. Yeah, he flirts with me, but he flirts with pretty much every girl; he’s a flirty person. He doesn’t like me. My grandma isn’t going to get better. Lacey and Papa aren’t going to come back. My parents love my little sister more than they love me. I can’t make them happy. I take all Pre-AP courses offered, I quit cutting, I’ve never had detention, I’ve kept all A’s, Â I took the ACT and made a 22, I’ve been in band for 2 years and kept first chair the whole time, and there’s so many more things. Are they happy? No. I’m always doing something wrong. I can’t be sad or be alone. They get mad and give me a lecture. Then they ground me. They ground me for wanting to be alone. They ground me for being in a bad mood. I’m sick of it. This whole time, they’ve loved my sister more than they loved me. What did I do wrong? I know they love Megan more because she never gets in trouble. If we fight, I get in trouble. I’ll be in a good mood, she’ll be in a bad one, and then she’ll be mean to me, and I’ll get in trouble for it. I don’t even do anything and I still get in trouble! Hell, I stay in my room to avoid getting in trouble, and I get in trouble. I don’t talk so I can’t get in trouble for being hateful, and I get in trouble. Megan will hit me, and then I’ll tell her to stop, she won’t, and I’ll scream at her to stop. I get in trouble. I can’t hit her back. “Oh no, Courtney, you can’t hit her; you’re bigger than her!” is what I hear all the time. “But she hit me first! What am I supposed to do?” is what I say. “Just stand there and take it! It’s not like she can hitÂ thatÂ hard!” is what I hear. But here’s what they don’t know: it does hurt. And I hurt her back anyway because I’m not going to stand there and let that little brat do whatever the hell she wants to do! She does hit hard, and if I don’t do anything, she keeps on! I’m sorry, I don’t like bruises! Anyway, I’m sick of it all. I’m not killing myself yet, but I probably will. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. Goodbye.
Why is it that every time I start to care, something happens? Garrett freaking moved. Trevor has a girlfriend. Tennyson has a girlfriend. Emily likes Jacob. Bailey likes Brendan. I’m about to give up. I mean, don’t you think that something’s wrong when a sweet guy, named Paul, who’s.. special, if you get what I mean, goes to sit by you, then looks at you and says “I don’t wanna sit byÂ that,” laughs, and walks away. Shouldn’t something be wrong if a guy that has barely had a girlfriend thinks that you’re nasty? I mean, what could be wrong with me? I haven’t… I’ve never done anything to be nasty. I’m not a whore… I’ve never had sex. Hell, I’ve had one boyfriend that I went out with for two days. I’m not nasty… I’ve never even hugged a guy. Maybe it’s the whole “Ew, you went out with a 17-year-old” thing. I’ve told them that I didn’t know. I really didn’t. I thought that he was a year or two older than me. I didn’t know there was such a big age difference. I’m not a slut. I haven’t worn anything revealing at all, so I’m obviously not trying to act like a slut and show everything off. So what’s wrong with me, then? I honestly don’t know what it is, but there’s apparently something.
I thought that having a crush was normal. It is, but it’s not when that person is all that you think about. You dream about them. You daydream constantly about them saying that they like you the same way you like them. These things aren’t normal. I think I’m just fucking going insane. Trevor is honestly the only thing I can think about. He’s my safe haven, in a way. I focus on him instead of focusing on how much pain I’m in. I guess it might be normal, but it doesn’t feel that way. I don’t want to go crazy. I don’t want to tell the people I love that I hate them because the voices in my head tell me that I do. I don’t want to go to a mental institution where doctors don’t listen to me because they think I’m a hopeless case. I don’t want someone to find and read my diary like Garrett did. I don’t want anyone to know how I really am. I really don’t want to back to where I was, but I’m falling back there. Garrett’s gone. He moved on Tuesday. I guess I’m just gonna forget about him like I’ve forgotten about everybody else. I’ve forgotten how it felt when Trevor held my hand that day. I’ve forgotten how good it felt to smell his cologne. I’ve forgotten how good it felt to have the guy I like feel the same way about me. What I haven’t forgotten is the regret. The regret of not just pulling him into a huge embrace. The regret of never telling him how I felt. The regret of never telling the truth. The regret of hiding. The regret of wasted time. I don’t want to feel pain without hope anymore. But I don’t want to live for just this, either. I want to live for so much more. My best friend, Jamie, might have breast cancer. I can’t lose her… She’s all I have left. I honestly can’t take living without someone else. If someone else goes, I’m probably gonna go, too. I don’t want to live without someone else. I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep. Bye for now…
It’s just… It’s impossible to hold on to anything right now. Everything seems like it’s slipping away. I want Garrett to come back. I miss him already. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I literally feel like I’m going crazy. I watch things on ID and think, “Am I going to be one of those people?” I watched part of The Ward earlier, and it scares me. It scares me that I feel like I’m going crazy, and that I might be subjected to that. I can almost feel my mind slipping away. I felt like this before, too. I felt like this when I liked Trevor before. I’m scared. I’ve seen what crazy looks like. Trust me, I don’t want to go there. And I especially don’t want to end up being a freak serial killer later on in life. I mean, I’ve seen my grandma when she went insane. I actually finally got to see her for the first time in months today. She was acting completely normal. It killed me. It killed me to know that things would never be the same again, even though they seem like they will be. Â Or maybe I’ve just got another broken heart. I think I’m seriously done for a while. I don’t feel like liking anybody. Â I don’t feel like risking everything again. I just feel like lying down and letting them take me out. I really feel like a person being tortured. Instead of fighting, I just want to lie back and let them kill me. How does one ever tell if they’re in love? I know I’m only 13, but… I really liked Garrett. I would definitely say that I loved him, in that I wish that he gets nothing but the best, and I hope that he has a long, happy life. I miss him. I want him to come back, and yet I don’t. He’s kinda mean. Â I don’t know. I’m just really tired. I’ve been awake for a long time. I haven’t been able to sleep ’cause I’m sick. Bye for now.
Garrett’s moving. I’m never going to see him again. It just makes me want to tell him how I feel… But I just can’t. I won’t be hurt again. I refuse. I deserve better. I fucking deserve better than what I’ve got. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. Â Or maybe I don’t. I mean, how much can be taken away before I have nothing? I feel like I’m completely gone already. I feel like my heart’s been cut out. Ripped out, more like. I just want Garrett… I really do. But he’s gone. Today was his last day. I should have told him. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. And as much as I want to, I can’t do this again. Ever. So what if there’s happy moments in between? There’s a lot longer sad ones. I just want to sit back and watch life. I don’t feel like living it anymore. I wish I could get someone to live it for me. I just don’t want to. And when I die, I hope that there isn’t reincarnation. One life is bad enough. I’ve wanted to cry, but honestly, I’m far too sad to cry. I’m losing someone that I love so, so much. He’s a great friend, and I wish I could have told him how I feel, but I was afraid. I don’t want to get hurt like this again. I don’t know if I get hurt worse by not doing anything, or by doing something, but I guess it’s time to find out. No more “Oh, I like this guy”. No. None. No more “I think he likes me!” either. I’m just done.
I began to write a diary today. It had everything in it. And, um, Garrett read it. He took it from me. I didn’t just let it go willingly. I fought until the end. I was about to cry, but then he was so sweet. He looked up at me, kinda smiled, and then he asked me if Mr. Harvey could read it. (Mr. Harvey is the teacher that I had that period) He said, “It’s really good. You should let him read it.” I almost cried again because of how sweet he was. But he’s moving… Why? He readÂ everything. He freaking knows how I feel. Maybe I should write more and let him read it again. I will. I’m so scared. But hey, I have to do something, right? Oh, and Trevor and Brendan (a guy that I also like) were flirting with me. Trevor’s kinda flirty, but Brendan’s never flirted with me before. Oh well. Anyway, I have to go. I’ll post as soon as possible, I promise. 😀
It’s true. I love Trevor. Ya know, when I was little, and I watched TV shows, I always saw the girls freaking out over the guys. They would always say, “I love the way he says my name…”. I thought they were crazy. But then I found something out. They’re not. I had an after school rehearsal today. I sat by Trevor. He said my name every time he talked to me. And I love the way he says it. Oh my gosh, he said, “Courtney, he’s talking about measure blah blah blah,” and I said, ” I think it’s measure blah blah blah”. A few seconds later, our band director says that it’s the measure I said. Trevor said, “Aw man”, and hung his head. His face was RED. It was pretty funny. And then, Tanner (second trumpet in my grade, always an ass to me) started being a jerk. Trevor took up for me. He threatened to kick his ass. Â Gotta love that guy! Hahahaha. Anyway, the way he acted, I don’t think that he actually said all that mean stuff about me. Anyways, I’m really happy. 😀
What’s it worth if I can’t get anything that I want? Even if I go for it, I don’t fucking get it. What do I care anymore? I mean, does it even matter? Another lost soul in the world. Woohoo. Yay. One more person who can’t take life. One more person too weak to face the pain. Hmph. I mean, does anybody care, anyway? The people I love most… I don’t know if they love me back. I know Trevor doesn’t. I know Garrett doesn’t. I know that they all want skinny girls that don’t have problems. They want girls that conform to the world, and go with the flow. Well, I’m most definitely not that girl. So what’s the point in trying? Ya know, I can’t believe everything that’s going on. It’s driving me insane. I was almost happier when I was unhappy, if that makes any sense. I definitely wasn’t getting hurt then! I was just living my life. Sure, maybe I was miserable. But honestly, I think that numb is better than hurt. Maybe it’s even better than happy. So what if there’s happy moments that we need to enjoy? There’s depressing moments, too. And I’m tired of going back and forth. I’ve pretty much given up. I can’t keep going up and down. It hurts too damn much. I want to be happy, it’s what I always tell myself that it’s what I want. But I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to get hurt again. Damn, I’m sick of getting hurt. I mean, even Owen…. Maybe it’s a good thing I broke up with him. He had a baby just the other day. I was really shocked. Like, I didn’t even know that he had… Yeah, I didn’t know that he had done that with that chick. It’s.. I don’t know. I feel wrong, somehow, for going out with him, even for the short length I did. I thought.. I thought that this would be my escape. The saddest part is that Garrett doesn’t even know that I like him. I only told one person. And I know she won’t tell him. At least, I hope she doesn’t. I just.. I don’t want to like Trevor anymore. It’s like he’s a.. It’s like he’s a drug. I want him, and yet I don’t. I want to cut, too, but have I done that? Nope. So I can “quit” him, too. I think that I can do this. Man, I’ve got it bad for Garrett, though. If I need to, though, I can “quit” him, too. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I’ll figure something out.Â
Yeah, I’ve been making them all the time. But now, I’ve made another one. This is about the guys I like. (Yeah, I have to focus on that to get through). Anyway, I’m gonna make a list of the guys I like, and then what I like about them. Mkay? If you don’t want to read the whole list, you can skip to the bottom for my ultimate decision on whom I like the best.
Okay. Here we go.
Trevor- Pros: Hair, eyes, taller than me, plays trumpet, gentleman, playful, cologne is addictive, southern, his voice, smile, hilarious, sweet, adorable, plays video games,
Cons: Flirty, slightly perverted, has a girlfriend, in eighth grade
Jacob- Pros: Hair, eyes, smile, hilarious, taller than me, cologne smells good (not as good as Trevor’s, though), his voice, smile, plays video games, plays trombone, playful
Cons: more perverted than Trevor, also kind of a jerk, I don’t like him as much, in eighth grade
Garrett- Pros: cute, hair, eyes, I think he likes me, he flirts with me, cologne is almost as good as Trevor’s, he takes up for kids that are too scared to take up for themselves, plays football, in my grade
Cons: shorter than me,
Brendan- Pros: cute, taller than me, plays french horn, hair, eyes, Christian, hilarious,
Cons: has a girlfriend, kind of annoying sometimes, perverted, in eighth grade
Okay, I’m gonna admit that I don’t really care that they’re perverted. I can be worse than they can at times, so.. Yeah, I’m not gonna complain about that.
Drew- Pros: Hair, taller than me, I think he likes me, smile, plays football, eyes, goofy, in my grade, adorable
Cons: Dammit, I was over him! He supposedly likes skinny, preppy girls. Whatever.
So, yeah. There’s more guys, but I like these guys the most. I really wanted to date a guy in band, but… yeah, that didn’t work out. If I was going to date a guy that’s not in band, I guess I would have to go with Garrett. He’s pretty cool. But if I can date a guy in band, then I still really like Trevor and Brendan. But they both freaking have girlfriends. Ya know, I wish that I would get a boyfriend, and then Trevor would break up with Kendall, and really want to go out with me, but have to wait and hope like I am. It’d be pretty funny if that happened, actually. Anyway, I guess I just needed to sum up my thoughts. What do you think? I mean, who do you think I should like?
I decided that I like Trevor. But then, last night, I had a dream. A dream that Dawson was in. Dawson is one of my best friends. He’s also a guy. And I think I like him… But I don’t know. It’d be a little bit weird because he’s shorter than I am… And yet he’s older than me…. And every time I think about it, I feel like I would be dating my brother if I dated him. Okay, so I’m going to make a complete list of the guys that I like or have ever liked this year. (Prepare for a lot. I had to think about someone else after Trevor got a girlfriend).
Okay, first guy I liked: Drew. I liked him last year, and I carried my crush over to this year.
Then, I saw Trevor. And I forgot all about Drew.
Then Gabby ( a girl that also liked him) said that he didn’t like me. So I found a new guy. His name is Brendan.
So, I had a nice crush for a little while, but then Bailey had to text him telling him that I like him. He said I’m not his type.
Soo, I didn’t really want to date anyone that wasn’t in Band. I mean, I would, I just had a thing for guys in Band. So the next guy I liked was Jacob, one of Trevor’s best friends.
That didn’t last long. A few days. (By the way, I still like all of these guys except for Drew). Anyway, then I liked Tennyson. He was sweet, and more like me than any of the rest of them. Nope, didn’t last long.
Then, I liked Matt. His eyes were the bluest blue I had ever seen. And I thought he liked me. Apparently not.
So then, I just decided to chill out for a while. But then I had to sit by Garrett, and I kinda like him. I mean, I like him kinda like I like Dawson. I’m not exactly sure about it.
So, I have to admit that I still like all of these guys. Matt was kind of a jerk, though. So I don’t exactly like him. Or Drew. I just.. I really like Trevor. If you asked for my top two, I would say Trevor and Brendan. But they both freaking have girlfriends! And Bailey likes them both. Well, whatever. She has a boyfriend, and if she wanted to go out with one of them, she shoulda told me before I liked them. Honestly, I”m sick of sitting here worrying about this. It’s just stupid. I found strength to go on. I’ve found peace enough to not think about the pain constantly. I feel stronger than I ever have before. I feel like I can do anything, like I can deal with anything. I’ll continue to post about how my life goes, though. I may fall again, but I don’t feel like I will. I will post on here to let you guys know how I’m doing. It’s like my therapy. Instead of having to go to a psychiatrist, I can just ask for help on here. I’ll let you know how my day goes. Maybe I should still like Dawson and see how it goes… I don’t know. I’m just gonna like the guys I like and be me. I’m the only person I would ever want to be. So I just want to say thank you, guys, for helping me to where I am today. I wouldn’t have done it without you. 😀
I don’t know how to tell if a guy likes me. (Pathetic, I suppose). I know that I probably don’t deserve to be on here. This is for people who are having problems. I’ll admit, I have problems. I do want to cut again. I want to cry. I can’t let myself have happiness. Wow. I had it for a day! A whole day. Actually, no, it stopped. Maybe 6 hours, I had that happiness. I guess that’s cool. I mean, what am I? I’m a monster. I don’t deserve to live. Everything is my fault. I could have stopped everything that’s happened in my life that has caused my family pain. Right now, I don’t care about what I feel. I care about what I’ve made them feel. And I’m scared. My two best friends that I love so, so much.. One isn’t a Christian, and the other one is, but she’s also bisexual. Not that I have anything wrong with that, but.. It’s a sin.. And I’m scared for them. I don’t want to die and never get to see them again. And Owen… Maybe it’s a good thing that we broke up. If I had started to like him, I would’ve gotten hurt. Apparently, he had um, well, he had sex with a girl before he went out with me. And now, he goes out with that chick. Why? Because she’s pregnant. He’s going to be a father. It actually kinda hurts now. I mean, I almost feel betrayed. Anyway, I also.. I guess I feel terrible about Trevor. How can I like him when he has a girlfriend? And.. maybe I don’t need to go after him. He flirts with girls all the time. I’ve even seen him looking at girls’ butts when Kendall isn’t looking. I mean, do I want a boyfriend like that? Do I want a guy that’s mean? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that I don’t. I mean, he is mean… So is every other guy that I like. Except Brendan. Actually, no, he’s mean, too. I’m just scared of getting hurt again. I’ve always kept it safe. If my friends are doing something that looks dangerous, I don’t do it. And because of that, I rarely ever get hurt. I’ve never broken a bone, and I intend to keep it that way. I don’t know if I’m smart or just a scaredy cat, but I think I’ll keep it safe. I mean, going out with Trevor, now that I think about it, would be about as dumb as jumping off a cliff; I know that I’m just gonna end up hurt. Hell, it might be risking my life. I mean, when I get upset, I think about it, and I’m scared that if I get hurt again, I’m gonna kill myself. I don’t want to do that, so I have to be careful. I do want to be happy, but I don’t think that this is where I’ll find it. I mean, what happened to the nice guys? Why do I just like douche bags? I mean, I know there’s supposed to be nice guys out there, but I sure can’t find them! Unless these are the nice guys.. If they are, then I’m gonna die alone. I mean, Trevor is nice… Yet he’s not.. He’s a gentleman, and yet he hits girls. I mean, he doesn’t hurt them.. He’s just playing. Â And if he does hurt them, he apologizes, and he feels bad. He looks like he feels bad, anyway. I guess he is a nice guy. He’s sweet. Dammit. See? I try to convince myself that I don’t like him, and then I always convince myself that I do. Fine, I’ll admit it. I like Trevor Knox. Â Trevor is in the grade above me (8th). I freak out over simple things. Like, when my email address was kinda close to his (it had the same numbers). We were born in the same year, so we both had 99 on our address. And I freaked out over it. And I absolutely completely like him. Seriously. I’ll even post a picture of him on here if you want me to. (You’ll probably think that he’s ugly, but I think that he’s completely adorable.) And, if you want, I’ll post a picture of me, too. I don’t know why, but I feel a lot better now. 😀
I was happy. I really was. But now I’m starting to feel bad again. It didn’t take long. It’s like I want to cry, like my body misses being sad. Maybe I’m just scared. I am scared. Any person would be a little scared, right? But I’m not a little scared. I’m really scared. I’m scared that something’s gonna happen again, and it’s all gonna come crashing down. I mean, maybe I should give up on him. What do you think? I’ll give you a list of why I think I should, and why I think I shouldn’t.
Why I should
- He keeps staring at me
- I really want to
- He was flirting with me in the band room before
- He did say “Thank you” when I gave him that gift bag
- I know that he liked me last semester
- I got bored, took some quizzes, and they all said that he does like me
- I want to go after something that I want for once
- It doesn’t make sense for him to flirt with me, then say thanks, then to be a jerk. Unless he’s bipolar, which I don’t think he is.
Why I shouldn’t
- Kendall and Emily said that heÂ didÂ say all those mean things
- He’s a bit of a mean person sometimes
- I’m scared
- Quizzes aren’t always right
- I was probably wrong about last semester
- I’m not very brave
- Um, what am I supposed to do anyway? I’ve had one boyfriend. For two days. And he asked me out. I have no experience with boys.
- I get way too nervous around him
- I take that back, I can at least talk to him now.
- He never texted me
- Something feels right yet wrong about going after him
- He has a girlfriend
- My friend likes him
- My friend also has a boyfriend and can fuck off
- Sorry, had to say it.
So, yeah. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just be content in loneliness. I don’t know. I need some help. Seriously. I mean, what do you guys think? Do you think he likes me? If you need some more info to determine it, I’ll give it to you, but will you tell me what you think? And if you think he doesn’t, just say so. I’d rather get the pain over with now, rather than later.
I’m scared about seeing him again. I know that I sound like a freaky obsessed chick, but I’m not. I’m just an.. overly shy chick that ends up acting like an idiot around her crush. I want to enter the talent show, though. I want to do something to stand out. But I don’t know what to sing. I kinda wanna sing a cute, but cheesy song about having a major crush. Oh my God. I’m acting like a normal girl. Wtf?? When did this happen? Oh well. It’s nice to be happy. Ya know, I kinda want to sing If You Don’t Mind by Evanescence because it really shows off my range. I don’t know, though. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks! 😀 Oh, and thank you all for helping me get to where I am. I see the light again. Â I owe a lot to you guys. I know it’s stupid, but if this is the one thing that will make me happy, I’m going for it. I’ll probably come crawling back again, miserable, but I have to try. I’m climbing out of my hole. I’ll let you know if I ever reach the top.
Of course, I want to like Trevor. But there’s always something in the back of my mind that says I shouldn’t. Oh well. Said voice can find a new hobby. I mean, I’ve realized that Trevor is pretty awesome. But if he doesn’t like me, then good for him. I’m not saying that I’ll be completely mad and thinking that I’m better than him, ’cause I’m not. All humans are equal, except in their acts. I mean, you can’t say that you’re equal to Hitler in acts unless you did the same things he did. But Trevor hasn’t done anything bad that I know of, so we’re both equal. Anyway, I used to think that Trevor was too good for me, but then I realized, with the help of my two best friends, that my previous thoughts weren’t true, and they were actually pretty stupid. I take that back, they were completely stupid. Anyway, I’m very thankful for my best friends, Jamie and Hailey, because they’re the ones that have tried their very best to help me. This whole year, through both ups and downs, they’ve both tried to help me and to be there for me. I’m pretty sure that if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here right now. I would’ve killed myself. I kind of tried to the other day.. I mean, I almost tried to. I pressed my knife against my wrist, and started to cut, but I pulled it back. I realized that I had a lot to live for. Besides, if Trevor doesn’t like me, there’s a whole lot of other guys that I’m pretty sure like me. (I might sound self-centered, but I’m not. Not that much, anyway) Â I mean, there’s.. Hm. Hang on, and I’ll try to think of a list of guys that I’m pretty sure they like me. Here: Garrett, Logan, Drew, ummmmm…… Tanner, and I guess that’s all. That’s still a lot. I think Garrett and Tanner like me because they both play with me all the time (Like, they try to get on my nerves) It might sound mean, but I know they’re playing. I think that Logan and Drew like me because.. Well, last year, I liked Drew for some reason. He’s kinda goofy, though. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with him, I just don’t really like him anymore. Â Anyway, I think he might like me because every time I turn around, I find one of them looking at me. Anyway, I don’t know why, but I don’t really like any of the guys in my grade. I like a lot of guys that are in eighth grade, though. I don’t know why. I guess I just have a thing for older guys. Maybe it’s ’cause they’re more mature.. No, that’s not it. If it was, I wouldn’t like Trevor. Haha. He’s not all that mature, but he has a great sense of humor. My stomach was hurting by the time we left All-Region tryouts because he had made me laugh so freaking hard. He’s really sweet. But, he also will fight with a girl. I mean, he doesn’t, like, try to beat them up or anything, he just playfully fights. Which is fine with me, because I like to spar occasionally. Yeah, I’m weird. But I like me. Honestly. For once, I can look in a mirror and not see a girl that everyone should hate. I see a girl that people should like. I know that some people don’t like me, but that’s okay. I’m just not the type of person that they like. Oh well. Anyways, I guess I just wanted to say that for some reason. Oh, and I don’t think I have Appendicitis because my side isn’t hurting anymore. I mean, it might still be possible, but I’m hoping that I don’t. Â I’ve had surgery before, but I’ve heard that abdominal surgery hurts really bad. Oh well. Anyways, Bye! I’ll probably be back on later. I’ve gotta find something to do with all this hope. Maybe I’ll save it for a rainy day. 😀
I want to look nice–really nice on Monday. Maybe not, like, wear a dress, ’cause it’s way too cold. But I still want to be noticed. I’m hoping that I’ll have Health next week, instead of P.E. If I do, then I can dress up easily. Â But my friend just text me saying that we don’t, so I guess I’ll just have to improvise. I don’t want to wear makeup, or if I do, not very much. Any ways to impress a guy with the way you look (Without looking like a slut) I just like to see the look on people’s faces when I look different. Mostly, it’s my friends that notice, but whatever. I’ve seen Trevor looking at me, too. Then again, he was looking at me even on days that I didn’t dress up, on days that I was sick, and looked terrible, but had to go to school anyway. Â I want to get his attention again. I think I may have already done that, though. He said something about my perfume the other day–something that meant he liked it. So, of course, maybe I’ve got his attention again for a little while. A little while’s long enough for me! So, what should I do? Hair? I have a cute outfit that I want to wear, but I don’t know what to do with my hair. Any ideas are welcome.
I know I already did, but this time, I’ll do it in songs! How fun! Hahaha. Anyways, we’ll start from when my grandpa died, and my dad almost died: Hello by Evanescence. I can’t explain how it relates, but that’s what I always listen to. Next up, when my dog died. My Last Breath by Evanescence. Again, the events of her death really go along with the song. After she died, I found a song that I would sing when I missed her. It’s: Goodbye My Friend by Linda Ronstadt. Then, my grandma went insane and hates me. For this, I kinda think of Imaginary by Evanescence. Or Lithium. They both kinda fit. Then, I fell in love with Trevor. For this, I chose I’m In Love Again by Maria Mena. Then, our friends tore us apart for a while. I then turned to I Miss You, Love by Maria Mena. Now, I fell in love again with him, and sang the same song I used to sing. (I’m In Love Again). Then, some people said that he hates me. So, I thought of Monster by Dev, and I Caught Myself by Paramore. Mostly the one by Paramore, though. It just.. I keep on going back, without even meaning to. I recently thought of Over and Over by Three Days Grace for that. Oh, and for when I started cutting: Scars by Elegeion, My Skin by Natalie Merchant, and The Way She Feels by Between The Trees. I guess it’s a weird mix of songs, but they altogether describe my life. Or my life so far, anyway. Â By the way, right now, I’m at an “I’m In Love Again” point. I mean, why not? I’m young. I’ve wasted 5 years of my life already. Actually, yeah, I’ve wasted 4 years, or 54 months, or 237 weeks, or 1,664 days, or 39,947 hours, or 2,396,834 minutes, or 143,810,058 seconds on being depressed. That’s way too much. And so, I choose to live again. It’s always a choice. I’m happy again. Moments like this, I listen to Innocence by Avril Lavigne. 😀