I’m 15.
I live my life day to day, and i don’t really think about anything beyond that. when someone brings up the future, it feels like the question doesn’t apply to me. i don’t see myself with any kind of future, or at least not a good one. when i think about it, i don’t have a bad life, and i don’t really have a reason to be unhappy. i live with my dad, step mom and little sister. my mom lives on the other side of the country with my other 9 siblings. i have 5 bestfriends that i love with all my heart, and a boyfriend that i’m happy with.
but lets get this clear, i’m not in an unhappy mood all the time. there’s plenty of times you’ll see me with a smile on my face, and i am genuinely happy.
but then there’s those nights where im laying in bed, and i can’t sleep, and the only thing going through my head is, “i don’t want to be here anymore.”
my dad made me go to therapy over the summer, well really my social worker did. in therapy i found out all the things that could possibly make me feel the way i do, and they all link to one thing. the past.
my life is fine now, but what i didnt realize is things that happened in my past can still have an effect on me now. my dad was a meth head, in and out of jail my entire life, and always on the run. while he and my mom were together, i watched him beat her with my elder sister. when my mom finally left my dad, she met a new guy and began her 7 year marrige. when i was 4, her husband sexually abused me. he’s in jail now, but he’s still in my life because he’s the father of my brother and sister.
this past summer, 2 weeks after my 15th birthday, i attempted suicide.
i overdosed on prescription pills. i woke up in the hospital at 3am throwing up. i was strapped down to the bed. there was nurses and doctors all around me, and they all stopped and looked at me with a curious look on their faces.
i stayed in the hospital for 6 nights and 7 days, under suicide watch and i wasnt allowed to leave me room or be unhooked from my monitors because my organs could fail at any time.
the doctors estimated i took around 110 pills, 7 different types. when i returned home i found out i had destroyed my entire house. i literally went insane and was hallucinating, i kicked paramedics in the ambulance, i punched nurses in the hospital and i screamed profanities at everyone who came near me.
after that, i only left my house for doctor and shrink appointments. i live in a small town, and what happened got around, i was ashamed.
now that im back in school and going out, people feel really comfterable talking about it, and i always get the question, “do you wish you died?”
and i still don’t know the answer.
6 comments
Wow, I really understand where you’re coming from in this.
When I was your age I told myself all the time ‘I wont live till the end of the year’ or ‘untill my 16th birthday’ ’18th birthday’ – so I never looked to the future, never thought id be around long enough.
Earlier this year in July i attempted aswell, I got really drunk and tried to hang myself before my mom found me. Same with me exept I woke up in a police cell before I was over the alcohol limit to sleep in a hospital. The next day I was taken to a psychiatric ward when I had to stay for 19 days. I wasnt allowed outside (apart from the garden area) without somebody with me.
Anyway I found out Id trashed my house when they took me out of it, kicked holes in the doors, punched people. But im out now, and im fine. Im not unhappy, but im not happy either. And because of insecuritys and emotional pain I dont think i will be.
To your question though, do I wish i had died?.. yes :/ but at the same time, Im kind of glad Im still around for a bit longer.
ive got my solution and it might now be yours. im 15 like you and i come from a stable family (both my parents are fine and never more than row, ive one sister who i look up to and want the world for) ive got a great life, im popular, i have a great life with girls and (whilst im failing at school) i reckon im as clever as anyone ive met. im not trying to show off or anything i just feel you need perspective on my opinion so you can take it as you will. ive never tried suicide but ive held the knife, stolen the pills and even tied the rope. for a very long time i had no idea why i was so unhappy and, whilst i pretended well enough so that no-one ever suspected anything, i hated my life. thats when i realised, i was in a cafe waiting to meet some friends when i came across an article in the metro newspaper. i was another story of innocent people caught up in the oppression of humanity. along the side i saw an image of a small boy cradling his mother’s dead body. my heart went straight out to him, at that point my friends entered the cafe dressed in hollister, a&f and topman. happy, full, rich and loving it. i have the same day everyday, i do the same things, dont push myself, never nearly die or be interested or engaged in something and at the end of it all peole are still starving and dying and needing me. you said you live in a small village then i suspect you might feel the same way. if so then youll know what i mean by we are not living we are existing. the reason i exist is so that i can live. when i finish school im going to go to uni, im going to get a good grade and when people say “hey you could make a lot of money in our industry” im going to stick 2 fingers up to them and leave england forever. i wont have any money but ill raise it, i might have no supporters but illl find some, i might not have a chance but ill die content. im 15 and im half way through my life. i wont go into some corner and die quietly im gonna make a bang and shove a mirror in the worlds face. im going to try a start a revolution when im out of uni. people always laugh in my face when i say it but i promise you now i will, i dont believe in god or fate and karma but i still feel its a cause worth fighting for. if ive rallied anyhting inside of you, anything you feel might be a desire to help then please hang in there. make money and dont exploit too much, but when you hear of a campain to fund a revolution abroad throwing up sparks in england then see if i carries any of these 3 phrases “helot” “hasta la victoria siempre” or “che”
i hold little against you if you dont but i beg you to then give and raise whatever support you can because thats me. ive never been so open with my feeling before and im finding it kind of ironic im putting it all on the internet but i could stand to see someone else who could be such an asset to humanity throw away their life like that
yours
che
The past can be forgiven. I suggest that you find something in this life that you love and work towards making a living out of it.
once you try to kill yourself, you can truly see your life’s importance. life is a blessing, and i hope you cherish it. those who look only on the past are certain to miss the future.
I can’t remember how many nights I just wanted to get away from here. It is horrible that your stepfather sexually exploited you. Those people sicken me. But I pray that you find trust and love in God. He will never hurt you.. God can lift your burdens away, if you allow Him to. And the reason you didn’t die from overdosage, was because God has a SUCCESSFUL, BRIGHT, & BEAUTIFUL future for you.
I totally understand what you’re going through. I’m in the same situation where everything is fine now, but the fact is my past still haunts me. I just can’t get it out of my head. I’ve been abused, left, neglected, you name it and despite all of that being in the past, it still hurts.
I’ve also done the same thing where I just lie in bed and wish that I wasn’t here. Wish that maybe after I go to sleep, I’ll just never wake up.
I’m sure that you’ll find the answer someday. It’s hard to cope with the thought of definite death especially if you were so close to it before.