Well, I don’t know what to do anymore. I constantly have thoughts of suicide but I won’t do it. Right now, I literally have no life. I recently graduated from high school. I’ve been trying to look for job for months but no luck, I’ve always hated school and don’t really want to go to college. I have no money, all I do is stay at home all day, the only way I can do that is because I’m under my parents roof. I really can’t go out and do much especially with no money and I hardly have any friends. And the friends I do have it’s always the same boring stuff or they never want to try and do something. I’ve always been fat all my life however recently that’s been changing. Over the past 6 months about I’ve been losing weight, I’ve lost around 40 pounds but part of it has to do with the depression I’ve been going through. I feel no change in happiness, there is none.
I’ve never been in a relationship, I have tried, I’ve always been rejected. Sometimes I feel like I just will never be in a relationship or find love and have it returned to me relationship wise. I have a loving family but that just isn’t enough to help me from feeling so down. I can’t really talk to anyone about this, they’ll think I’m crazy and will just have talks with me that will bring me more down. I haven’t felt a true happy in months. I’m good at videogames, it’s all I do all day usually. I’m also an alright artist in the style of manga/anime. But I just can’t do much with this stuff. I’ve lost my interest in these things the past months.
I have a friend online I met on my gaming system around late july. We started talking and stuff and at some point might have had feelings for each other but that’s faded and that really brought me down a lot. The truth is, she is in a state very far from mine, so this was a long distance thing you can say although we never really engaged into it. We played, talked, texted, we have so many things in common, but the distance is what stopped us. I really wanted to engage in a relationship with her even though it would be long distance till who knows when, but that’s not going to happen. The past two months were the changing point of our close friendship. She went through some problems and we stopped talking for a bit. Then about a month ago she was able to find a job and now literally works every day of the week full time. So we rarely even text or talk anymore, I try to stay in contact with her but her replies are rare because she is a very busy person and will also be starting college also as a full time student will working everyday fulltime, and going to church and stuff about 2 or 3 days of the week. Things change, It sucks. I’ve told her how I feel, but I’ve never gotten a clear response to my feelings anymore. I’ve never heard a yes or a no. It was in between. She is the one who actually got me back into drawing and a lot of my interest revolve around her and always remind me of her. I think about her every single day and night. I always walk out at night and look up at the sky looking at the same stars each night formed the same way and pray she is doing alright and is not stressed out. I pray to God, but I don’t believe in religion. I just believe there is something out there which can be God. I just feel like she and I can work something out but there is not contact anymore.
I might start college soon in January but I never liked school. My last year of high school I skipped 64 days of school by messing with the system I was able to graduate. I’m a smart person people tell me, stay positive they say but I just haven’t been able to feel positive at all. I have no life, there’s nothing to look forward to anymore. My friends are in no good situation either, some got out of high school but can’t go to college due to money issues and they can’t find a job either. some didn’t get to past their last year so are in school right now again. I’m only able to go to community college because of financial aid. The other day ago while taking the train to apply to college as the train was coming I just pictured myself jumping right in front of the train as it was coming. There’s been a lot more thoughts than just that but that’s my most recent one.
so I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve been feeling really down throughout some months. No one whom I can talk to, I don’t want to seek professional help. Never been in a relationship. Very fat but losing weight in progress, although I still feel very down. No jobs hiring, I’ve tried for months. School’s starting soon maybe but I’ve always hated school. I feel like I’m in love with someone so far away but I’m not loved back the same way and contact has been scarce. I know people have it a lot worse than I do, but I just feel like giving up completely.
4 comments
The first step is to sincerely love yourself, this will help you feel good about yourself which will give you more energy which will be useful in the persuing happiness. I’m not sure how useful this is, but I want to say something; I want to at least try to be helpful.
I wish things were better for you..you are very lucky to have family that cares about you. I wouldn’t sweat not having a girlfriend because relationships are far more of a hassle than just life itself! Haha seriously though, what I always think to myself even through all the bad times is that life will build itself if you just take the time to build the blocks. No one likes school but I feel like if my dad did it and his dad did it too then so can I. Now I don’t fully go through with this saying I say to myself everyday but it reminds me to make a little push or budge at least towards a goal. I bet if you start to get on a daily schedule and also excecise 20 minutes a day while eating good fruit you’ll start to feel better 🙂
you sound somewhat similar like me.. and btw, I also love manga/anime art, but I’m more into composing music though, but I LOVE the artworks. even though I’m now 28 and ‘Society’ around me kept telling me to get a “real job” which I would easily termed “hella fucking boring jobs”.
do you have deviantArt account? I really want to see your artworks.
and btw, you are NOT alone.
please google “Too Many Aptitudes problem”, and click on the first link, and read it.
Now one thing I’m very certain is if there’s a professional-written article like this, then that could only mean that you (and I) are NOT alone……..it’s just that we are sooo damn scattered apart from each other, that we might then felt sooo alone.
I could really give probably the utmost important advice, and that is: try to accept your UNIQUEness quality, and genuinely LOVE yourself (because if not you, then who would??), like Sad Thoughts said above, and just try to constantly BE yourself, and make the BEST out of this earthly life,…but I also know as well that REALITY sometimes (or often?) is not that easy.
Even I’m still struggling a hell lot.
Social environment and where/what kind of environment you’re living plays a MAJOR role in determining whether you can “grow” as being fully supported or not.
It’s sad, but it’s the Truth/Reality.
That’s why there could be so many talented (or ‘different’) kind of individuals who felt frustrated with this world and thus suicidal, because they feel that they’re NOT supported by their environment and where and with whom they live.
Thanks for the supportive responses.
I see what you mean by the school thing, although neither of my parents never got past high school and my brothers never got past college yet, it is something I just need to do. I am on a daily schedule although it involves nothing. I try to exercise here and there and watch my calories, the weight will come off slowly but surely because I just hate the way I look, except my hair. Thanks Dascha Grey
Interesting, the jobs today are hella boring and won’t get someone too far these days depending. I do happen to have a deviant art account which I happened to make around almost two weeks ago. I will disclose that information though through email, not here. email me at deltaproxypunk@yahoo.com
I see what you mean by loving myself and my uniqueness but lately there’s nothing to love anymore.
I will definitely look up that article.
It would be nice to have an extra watcher on DA.
If you reply make sure to email me and possibly we can discuss or w/e on MSN or AIM. Thanks niki