You know what? When I wrote my post “Too Much”, for some obscure reason I kind of hoped that I might get a comment, a word of encouragement or maybe even a “don’t do it” type response. Is that what this site does? Keeps people coming back to see if they’ve had some words of encouragement? Well I’ve failed the test again – there’s nothing left to do. All I can hope is that I don’t screw up my final act like I’ve screwed up almost everything else. When my Grandfather was on his death bed he told me we’d meet again. I suppose I’ll find out soon enough but what a shame I won’t be able to tell anybody. That’s enough for something that’s not going to get read anyway.
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Not every post gets commented on here but i can assure you every post is read. I have weeks where i go without a comment but you cant assume no one cares. sometimes people just dont know what to say. I have read many of your posts and although i may not have anything constructive to say or commented i can assure you that you are not alone. Im really sorry i have not taken the time to comment but i do care, i have read your posts and i hope you can find the strength to carry on… much love <3
Whoa Mangrove that seems horrible, bro. Mine’s similar but without such extreme highs and lows. Many many people write that no one gives a shit/flyin fuck/good God damn/rodent’s ass about them. Basically I’m not too sure anyone DOES care about us. These bits are funny to me, and they explain why. I still cannot wait to die, but these 3 made me feel better:
I see YouTube has two free 1-hour stand up comedy shows by Louis C.K. called 1.) “Chewed Up” and 2.) “Shameless” I’m afraid to post the links here (b/c the spam filter) but search they will make any middle aged man feel better if you haven’t seen ’em. If you like Cracked then I wanted to share a quick 10-minute read, google 3.) “6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person” by David Wong.
@sunflower
Whenever I read your comments, I get the vibe that you live in a world in flowers and unicorns where everything will get better. You’re an optimist – weird considering you’re on a site about suicide.
What are you like, 15 years old?
Meh, at least you’re not a bible basher.
@Mangrove
From what I hear – cerebral palsy is a ***** to deal with. I probably would’ve given up years ago. I’m pretty sure your kids would be devastated if you died and are grateful that you haven’t. I’m the same with my dad – avoid him at all costs. But I’m fairly certain I’d be horrified to learn that he had died. Especially in such a way as suicide. Sue your boss out for all he’s worth if he tries to fire you. Call your kids up and tell them how you feel. It would probably interest them to know and they might even come see you more.
All the best.
The time zone thing is an issue, if you post when most people on the site are at work or asleep sometimes your post gets buried. I’m working and as much as I’d like to spend all of my time here helping I only have a few hours a day, and there are sooooo many posts. I’m sure I’m not the only one too.
I would say though that asking specific questions about what you need help with tends to get more responses. There are so many people that feel terrible on this site, and not as many people who are in a good spot to give advice. But almost everyone is willing to ask a question.
ill be 18 in a month actually… and yes id like to think that things will get better though ive just about stopped hoping and beliveing thats true for my own case.
@sunflower
What’s getting up your arsehole? For you to stop hoping?
@Mangrove, I think people’s purpose for posting here varies. For some, they are seeking validation and perhaps sympathy and affection they aren’t finding in their life. For others, it may be a need to for some human connection as they are counting down the days until a serious attempt.
I read almost every post, but do struggle at times to offer advice and insight to those wanting advice and ways to address life’s concerns. I’m in a different place where I am ready, so it is hard to relate to having problems such as family, work…basically, a life outside of wallowing in depression and preparing for my plan and at the moment, am just focused on how to pass in a timely yet peaceful manner, and not so much my daily life.
This doesn’t mean that you aren’t noticed, but I think exploring other sites that aren’t about suicide will be more helpful. If you are interested in getting help, seek help. Go on an online crisis chat, or seek a depression forum. If you want reasons to live, seek counseling, go to discussion forms for those with disability/illnesses.
I think the response rate is low here because of the demographic (lots of younger people who may not relate to your issues as an adult with children and a job) and because of the state of mind of many of us here. I don’t have any children, and I’m not going to be that 28-year old pretending to know what you are going through. I don’t and I don’t want to patronize you.
You are welcome here and we are all here to listen, but I’m not sure this site is necessarily here for encouragement and optimism or hope. I’d suggest going to forums on coping skills, sharing stories and reading survival stories. That seems to be up your alley. Good luck.
@glass_music-cup
Thankyou for your honesty and your suggestions. I may have given you the wrong impression but my comments about looking for encouragement were a bit tongue-in-cheek. I am just about ready to go and think I have all I require to carry it out successfully.
Believe it or not, even as an older person I understand some of the issues of the younger generation. My daughter got heavily into drugs and I nearly lost her twice – she has pulled herself together and is now doing better than me but still has demons to deal with.
I don’t expect to see the end of the year or even my birthday in July – I’ve simply had enough and this site has given me the opportunity to say that to someone who knows where I’m at (at least emotionally).
Thanks again for your response.
@sunflower
You’re the first person to comment on my post and despite your own issues too – you are a real human being. Thankyou!
I lost both my parents to Cancer and I understand where you’re at although I didn’t have money problems back then. Sunflower, there used to be more to life than drugs – have my generation failed all you guys that badly that there is no other way? I don’t know anymore but I do feel ashamed when I read where you guys are at.
Anyway, thanks for your comments and although I won’t be around too much longer I have to say that I admire you for looking after your mum – it’s more than my kids are doing for me. Do take care!
noonoo12: just read my posts and youll understand… life is getting up my ass i guess you could say <3 hahah
@sunflower
You hear voices. You dance. You drink a lot. Smoke a lot. Try to kill yourself a lot. Fail a lot.
You’re a girl or a boy?
You’re extremely vague and don’t actually state what bothers you – I read every post.
Each as informative as the last. So I know barely anything. I know you cut. Supposedly a great deal if they open up again after clotting.
So tell me. What is specifically getting up your arsehole?
I dont drink alot just when i do drink its alot. yea i hear voices and i do a fair amount of drugs (not as many as id like though) … im a girl. I have described my problems. i have family troubles friend troubles relationship troubles money problems my moms sick iand i really dont like myself…ive always been depressed its just gotten really bad the past few years. im not sure what you mean whats up my ass? im just sad. idk.
@sunflower
Which drugs? And are you a lesbian then? I remember you saying somewhere that you were deep in ***** or something (I might be paraphrasing).
And which troubles? Could you describe them to me?
And how serious is the illness?
Probably chemical imbalance if you don’t know why you are depressed.
i love acid and oxy and weed and ccc’s and dxm. I wan to try shrooms, coke, heroine (eventually but no injecting), DMT, and maybe peyote hahah i have no money though at the moment.
Im di- mostly straight though i doubt i could date a girl i just hook up with my sexy girl friends from time to time..
my mom has a rare form of lukemia 🙁
what do you mean which troubles?
@sunflower
Leave it long enough and those will kill you anyway.
I know a guy who became schizophrenic after trying shrooms. Must’ve fucked him up or something.
And so you do have friends then. I don’t see the issues there.
Is your mom a part of the reason for your depression?
And how long has it been going on?
You said you had “family troubles friend troubles relationship troubles money problems…” . Describe them to me if you can be bothered. If not – just leave it.
idk i still want to try them i want to experience all that i can while im still young. And i have friends but not many close ones. alot of people have left me and it makes me scared to open up. i think i dont allow people to be friends with me and i always feel used by everyone.
she is a big stresser in my life because i love her so much but i have to take care of her when shes sick and im terrified she’ll leave. Ive had to give my mom shots before (big needles) 2wice a day and im terrified of needles. some stuff i do scars me but i love her. (ever though we dont even get along some times)
FAmily troubles: my dad was verbally abusive and left and now lives in hawaii, my brother (now we are ok) has told me on multiple occsaions to kill myself, my mom and i get into screaming matches and makes me feel horrible abut myself
Friend troubles: my best friend (who ive written about) now hates me. My other friend just started to cut herself and it has alot to do with me because i stress her out. No one understands me and i get called crazy and pscho on multiple occasions or get left out of situations because im looked at as a partier which is dumb. Ive lost alot of friends because of my depression which really sucks
Relationship troubles: the one guy i actually fell in love with ended up leaving me and basically cheated on me. we arent on speaking terms atm but i still dream about him frequently. I dont like many guys but theones that i do end up dont liking me and every guy friend uses me just for sex. im just looked at as a hot peice of ass (covered in scars which apparently dosent deter most of them from wanting to fuck me. i doubt they notice all they look at is my boobs ass and ***** anyways) I want love and i just cant seem to find it. As soon as i get a guy interested in wanting to date me i show them my scars or tell them about my problems and they all run ALL of them. except my ex but even he threatened to leave me if i continued to cut.
Money troubles: we have no money. my mom dosent really have a job. my dad barely helps us out ever. we would be homeless if my grandfather didnt help us out every month for food and rent. we always ask for money from relatives and i feel embarassed sadly. my mom shares with me all our money troubles and it makes me feel bad that im so selfish but sad that i cant go out and not worry about money…
My life is just completely screwed up and i feel like alot of it is my own fault which is partially why i hurt myself. im lonely.
@sunflower
None of that is your fault. I think you managed to push people away to cope with your mother’s illness. I think if these people knew how you actually felt – they wouldn’t feel threatened or scared or even intimidated by the fact that you’re a “partier”.
Your mom loves you and I bet she’s doing everything she can to stop you having to live on the street. Every daughter has those moments with their mom – it’s completely normal and the best of us end up feeling shit about ourselves. But I don’t think you have reason to – you take care of your mom and don’t resent her for being ill as most sons/daughters would. No offense, but your dad sounds like a complete ass. You shouldn’t have to deal with that on top of everything else – I’m sorry. And your brother supposedly telling you to kill yourself is basically him being a brother. My brother and sister do that and I doubt they actually mean it, so I wouldn’t take it to heart.
Guys are arseholes, but I’m pretty sure you picked badly. There are so many better men that you could go for. Not everyone wants to fuck you and then leave. You need to just have a little bit more self-respect and self-esteem. Don’t let these guys just use you and toss you aside. Maybe wait a bit longer before telling someone your problems. If they like you enough they’ll stay. You’ve got the personality for it.
None of this is your fault. It’s all based on circumstances. This never would’ve happened had it not been for the situation you’ve been put it.
There are so many people who’d love to befriend you. You just have to try to find them.
All the best. 🙂
youre kind but i do appreciate your perspective <3 much love!!!