sometimes, on certain days i feel like dying. and other times i feel like hurting myself. there is no between for me, its only that i will try not to have those horrible urges, its only that i wish i wouldnt have those horrible urges. but it seems like i cant help it no matter what, i either want to kill myself or at least harm myself everyday.
i thought i was getting better, but i clearly see that im not. ive been suicidal since ten and im no stranger to being hospitalized several times in my life. they say i have depression, they say i have schizo, they say all these stupid things are wrong with me, but i say im just not able to coup with being human. i feel like a spirit that hasnt quite learned how to adapt to this human society.
ive been on all kinds of drugs and meds, but none of them seemed to work. i was like a human guinea pig, they were just trying to make sure i stay zombie-fied enough to keep silent and not continue to think for myself because we didnt trust them enough. and there was that time they tried to kill me. but unfortunately im still here, and now they got me wishing i was dead with their stupid mind control machines.
anyone would know if someone seemed “out of place”. anyone can figure out a crazy guy from a “normal” guy. im neither, im not normal but i damn sure aint crazy. but when i think about certain things sometimes, i can see how some things i say may make me sound a little crazy, but im not, im highly function. except when im not taking my meds properly.
its not that  i get “crazy” if i dont take my medicine, i just kind of get smothered in all the pain and suffering, the kind of pain and suffering you cant see, smell or touch. you feel it and you know its there because it hurts so bad, the pain goes deeper than getting shot in the leg. my mind races with suicidal thoughts and images of myself getting killed in gruesome ways. i get confused and frustrated.  and then i’ll start hurting myself to the point where it doesnt hurt when i cut myself, and i start not to care anymore and i’ll think of different ways to try to kill myself.
i thought the medicine that im on now helped for a minute, but those urges and the unexplainable sadness is slowly starting to come back. and now im stuck, i cant let everybody down again, and i wont. i thought i was going back to the right path with my life. i withdrew from school after a year, i was spiraling down into a dark dark world of spiritual and mental torture anyway, and i ended up in the hospital a few months later. im just now recovering from that two years later and now i have my own car, i have a job and im getting ready to go back to school. but like i said, no matter what, the suicide and the self mutilation wont leave me alone.
im trying to pull myself together but i keep slipping deeper and deeper everyday i live. i want to close my eyes and never wake up. ive always hated myself but the medicine kind of helped me out for a minute, i think now i may need a higher dosage because i can feel its starting to wear off. I’ve cut myself lately and i have been contemplating on whether i have the balls enough to take my dad’s revolver and shoot myself in head. im afraid i will eventually. its just a matter of time when i start to lose the fear and i wont chicken out anymore.
im now to the point where i dont even know whats making me sad anymore. i dont know why i want to kill myself anymore. i just feel like i have too….