full of sorrow

I’m a psychiatrist. Board certified. A mother. Daughter. Wife. Friend.

I feel trapped by my title/profession.

I am thinking of ways to die. Specific plans. How to do it. How the life insurance will be doled out. How to do it with the least impact on my family.

I used to worry it would be a crime to kill myself with as beautiful a child as I have. Increasing her chance for suicide. Giving her a terrible life.

Lately though, I see, when considered over thousands of years it really makes no difference. In the end, we’ll all either be together – or silently, blissfully apart.

I’m thinking of hanging myself since my loved ones have confiscated the guns and pills after my first real suicide attempt 9 months ago. I ended up on a vent after an OD. I wish they would have let me die.

Only thing with hanging is it will look like suicide. I don’t want my super beautiful, intelligent daughter to know I suicided. I want it to look like an accident. How to do that?

A bullet through the base of the brain won’t suffice. Hanging leaves it’s mark. So does overdose. Automobile accident? You can’t realistically fall to your death from a bridge or building.

At 43 I’m ready. I’ve seen so much suffering. I am such a failure at coping with stress, and so “spineless” according to my mother.

Maybe I should try ECT first. Maybe that would help me.

But I’m expected to start practicing psychiatry again. How can I do that with a clear conscience? It’s better for me to hasten my exit. But how to lessen the impact on my daughter? Should I stay alive for her?

I really am not worth the air I breathe, otherwise. I am non-productive for 9 months now.

Maybe I should go back to the hospital. In my favor, I’ve helped a lot of people – and worked hard to get to where I am. And I recently had a hysterectomy with bilateral oopherectomy. On estrogen patch – which might kill me from breast cancer but everyone I know thinks my chance of mental illness death is much higher so recommend I take estrogen replacement therapy.

As far as physician in residency training, I say, “Don’t do it.” See a therapist. Talk to a friend. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Maybe get out of medicine. It’s not worth it.

For me, maybe things are different. I’m not as good as the rest of the world.

I’m so sorry to everyone. I hope God will forgive me and not send me to Hell.

I hope none of you here actually suicide. There is help available.