hello im 30 yr and i am rapidly lossing my mind .all i think about is death ,i have tried 3 times to kill myself ,100 plus narcotic pills and pills again ,carbon monoxcide from car and each time some one has found me before i have died .why i do this im severely depressed ,i have been a drug addict for 23 years ,my family hates me , all my friends have despised what i have become . in the last 3 yrs i have lost my house ,my car , my mom ,2 dogs i loved so much,girl i was with for 5 yrs. everything i own is gone and so is my will to keep living . i have been to rehab 13 times and i cant stop ,hell i think its the only thing that has kept me from killing my self its funny i cant live with the drugs and i cant without . i keep ending up in jail for dui’s and stupid crimes right now i am looking at having to go do 8 months in the county jail and i think i cant do this any more . i have almost died 7 times in the last few years due to overdoses and other craziness and i don’t know why i am still alive .i am at the point where i resent god and starting to doubt weather if god even exists and if he dose he has a really messed up scene of humor .the problem right now is my heroin habit is so bad i cant even seem to overdose from that any more ,witch is my choice if i was to kill myself .i guess to get to the point is that i am finely getting to the end ,i am like a cancer to anyone around me i rune everything , i mess up peoples lives , i get peoples hopes up that i am doing better and then i let them down . i don’t mean to do this .at this point i believe everyone hates me ,i hate me , my dad told me i should of shot myself 3 years ago when i told him i want to die .my mental heath is in decline i believe i am haunted ,there are ghosts or something that have been tormenting me for years ,i have tried moving and they follow me place to place and strange things happen all the time . sometimes i think there are demons directing my thoughts ,im a nice person who dose bad stuff .i have reasently started cutting myself .i think your must be kind of messed up when you ponder what kind off semi you would like to get hit by 🙂
i got a lot of demons ,and bad thing i have done that are swaying my decision . i inadvertently killed my best friend ,he overdosed i feel responsible .most of my friends have died this way and i hate god for not letting it of been me ,i think i am the only one that would of welcomed this release .i am not afraid of death any more i just don’t want to leave a mess if that makes sense ,i don’t want to end up all over the the wall
i know i am going to die soon weather by violence ,drugs or my own hand . so i wonder why don’t i just get this thing over with all i do is suffer anyway , i think i don’t want to hurt my family with this ,they don’t seem to care any more anyway and they will be better off in the end .
im sick of being criticized for ending up in the phyc ward ,that i should be more serious when i try to kill myself and just get it right ,they are sick of me failing is the message i seem to get from people .
i plan on trying again in the next week or so and im going to get it right this time .i am going to cut from wrist to elbow with a razor so they cant sew it for some reason i am found again ,i am sure i can do it but i am still going to add a bottle of vodka to the mix to ease this along ,i don’t want to go back to jail and im so sick of the shit that i got to do to stay high ,there is just the stupid thought that life might get better and what if im making a mistake ,but i doubt this .im not sure why i am writing this ,maybe some one might be able to give a valid reason not to do this ,one that dont invole god or hell or other people ,it really it is that bad so i guess ill stop now ,any ideas >icenine2000us@yahoo.com
5 comments
clearspot1 – I have had an opiate problem for over 17 yrs, I lost my job and just about lost my wife and house. I was sick of chasing after drugs just so I wouldn’t feel sick and I just couldn’t see any way out except for suicide so I took an over dose and woke up in the hospital and then to the phyc ward I’m sure you know the routine. I’ve been to rehab twice and relapsed twice and the only thing that saved me was methadone. then I was able to work, feel normal and start to rebuild my life. It might work for you. If you need to talk you can email me at tommylee1967@yahoo.com I hope this helps.
Hey, thanks for sharing.
Your life sounds really painful.
All I can say is if you choose to kill yourself (which I hope you won’t), please don’t do it for all the people who have abandoned you. Whatever you do, do it for YOU.
Your job right now is to lessen your own pain, however you do it.
Maybe you’ll do it by indulging in something you like, maybe you’ll do something to take your mind of the pain, maybe you’ll take a nap, maybe something else.
But please, do it for YOU.
You REALLLLLLLLLY want to die. If I had your life I would want to die also. And I thought with what I have been going through I want to die, it is NOTHING, NOTHING compared to you. I don’t want to give you a generate ‘cheery, everything will be okay’ advise. I feel, and I am not a professional, although I read alot, etc. I know the big things is the drugs, I am sure you know that all the years of drugs and drinking have diminished your brain cells, and twisted your way of thinking to where reality is your twisted reality, not the real reality that most people live, does that make sense. Obviously you suck at trying to kill youself, it is more pain when you come to. You are only 30, girl, you have alot more years of learning to deal with whatever is going on with your brain chemically. I am 53 year old female, bipolar, extreme anxiety, ptsd. I feel that first you need to get to a medical/psychiatrist doctors. If you do not have insurance, go anyhow, half the world has no health care and if people who are not even citizens of the USA you can go get healthcare. You need to be assessed. Something, obviously is going on. You need to be assessed for what you are trying to get balanced ‘from’ i.e. the drugs and alcohol. You need to get on some ‘legal’ meds. You need to find a rehab, a real rehab, you need to get into grief therapy, you can find those all over for free. I am in CA and they are everywhere. You have had a TREMENDOUS amount of grief, death, sadness, loss in your your life. You need to get into NA, you need to make friends ‘there’ not your druggie friends you have now. It sounds as if you are a VERY STRONG, you can do this for YOU. I am sure you want to feel at peace. It is going to be frikkin hard at first, although with your strength and tenacity you can do it. I do not know if you are religious or spiritual, although THAT helps a great deal as well. Well, I gave you all I know that will assist you. God Bless You Sweetie and YOU CAN DO IT. I step at a time. I know life is very challenging, I live it to. You can do. You are in my thoughts daily and you will be in my heart always. JenZea
God is real ,but the devil is the one to blame for these bad things ,you can be free from drugs but you your gonna need Jesus for a lasting freedom. God doesn’t hate you ,he actually loves you more than you can imagine,he wants you to live a abundant life but the devil is trying hard to keep you from that. Demons are real ,but they are very cowardly ,they harass and torment people when they are at a low point and are wide open to their influences and they feed off of fear and despair. Please don’t kill yourself because thats what they want ,they are responsible for alot of death and evil circumstances in this world. I will send a email ,I won’t judge you.
thank everyone who left a message -i checked into a phyc ward the other day i cut myself up pretty goood just playing ,the place didnt help me thay just tought me never to go back there there if you aint crazie when you get there you will be when you leave anywhay though thanks for the time to write take care