my big blog.

what am I supposed to do… do I continue on, through the rain? or do I fall and slowly drown.

I purposly ‘lost’ my polio/ TB jab form. which was supposed to be in for today, in hopes that I won’t have to get it. why? you ask. well, I don’t really know how to answer that. I am, but I amn’t. but ever so slowly, the plate carrying ‘I am’ is creeping down, the weight over throwing ‘I amn’t’.

Today, something so, incredibly horrible happened. I wore a long sleeved shirt for the first time in years. And during geography, someone in my class asked me ‘Why are you wearing a long sleeved shirt? is it…to cover up the cuts?’. I know he was joking…but Scott, you were right, you were so right. And maybe it was just my mind, but perhaps I saw a glint of sincerity in your eyes? probably not. but then again, you did look at me strange when I went silent, and tugged my sleeve down…I so hope.

I’m not hiding them well anyway. last week in P.E my t-shirt sleeve came up while I was changing, if anyone noticed, it would have been unmistakable. god, maybe I want people to know on an unconscious level. everytime I speak to my mother, I just want to scream it at her anyway, but she’s my mom. I guess anyone would want their mom to know that their daughter is so close to tipping over, and letting whatevers flowing inside her spill out onto the floor. Blood stained…impeccable description…

What am I going to do? I don’t trust enough, to talk to anyone. not anymore. I wish he would have come online, when I was so sure I wanted to tell someone. he’s the only person I know…who knows. but it’s too late. he’s too late. even if he asked me, and pressured me like he used to. I couldn’t. this…oppression has become part of me, and I’m afraid to let it go. what if this is me? I’ve had this part of me for so long now, it probably is.

to tell you the truth, I don’t see a future anyone for me. I don’t even see myself making it through the next two years. I don’t think I could. not unless a miracle happens.

school tomorrow… I dont think I’ll be able to look Scott in the eye. not without breaking up inside. everything about that moment just hurts. am I that obvious? if so. how come no-one else notices. or do they not care… probably not. I’m just their little amusment that they jeer on. what a nice life. ‘you should be happy with what you’ve got!’. well, I’m not, I’d give everything I’ve ever had, down to the clothes on my back, just to have one day, of true happiness, one more day…

Happiness…what is happiness? why is it so hard to grasp. I think I deserve it. I mean, I’m not a bad person; Am I? I’ve done a few horrible thing, but nothing so horrible that I’d deserve to be stricken with this, thing, clinging to my back. maybe I could ask people what’s wrong more. try to help. I could help Cameron. stick up for him at school. He reminds me so much of myself. The way he rubs his face, the way he stares at his hands when a teacher yells at him for not doing his work, the way he walks. I’ve been noticing more and more similaritys ever since I heard him sigh. It was my sigh, mine. A long, long inhale, a rising chest, closing of the eyes, and then exhale, quiet, with a slight quiver of the lip. I swear. I shattered. what if he is just like me? so close. It’d be amazing to have a friend, who knew. that I could talk to. sure, Josh knows, but…he’s not online, not anymore. he has his own stuff.

Untitled by Interpol…that’s me, torn apart, and reconfigured into the form of a song.

what am I supposed to do… do I continue on, through the rain? or do I fall and slowly drown…