I went tonight to the memorial of SS Oria.(I’ll attach photos at the end of this post,just to get an idea how the location is like)The SS Oria was (I’m copy-pasting from wikipedia) ” a Norwegian steamboat that sank on 12 February 1944, causing the death of some 4,000 Italian prisoners of war. This was one of the worst maritime disasters ever, and probably the worst loss of life caused by the sinking of a single ship in the Mediterranean Sea.”
I’ve been to this location 4-5 times.I don’t know why I go there.Maybe the loss of so many lives for no reason, draws me there.Maybe because at night is a relevantly quiet place (not many cars passing by).I really don’t know.
I was already depressed when I got there and crying. I got out of the car and spent the next 2-3 hours there,chain smoking and walking up and down.It was cold and windy.I was trying to find a reason to continue my life and I couldn’t find any.I know that I’m finished.I thought of my previous failed suicide attempts.There isn’t anything worse for me: you try to die and you fail.The knowledge that I’m unable to kill myself haunts me.
I imaged myself taken into the sea to the shipwreck,laying drowned alongside the dead Italians. There,in the depths of the sea,I would stay peacefully.There I could stay forever.The dead one with the dead ones.I imagined I was on the ship when it sank,greeting death with relief.All the others would be in panic and running for their lives,I would hold myself as hard as I could to the ship,hoping to sink as fast as possible. I would drink as much water as I could,just to die faster.I imagined myself laying next to Oria at the bottom of the sea.A human wreck next to the famous one.
I was thinking all these things and I wished I didn’t know how to swim,so I could throw myself in the sea and drown.At times my head was going to explode from the pain.These headaches are the worst.There were moments that I was feeling weak,tired and ready to collapse. I was shaking and and I was struggling to breath.My heart was aching and beeping like crazy.I was having pains all over my body.
Deep inside me I wanted to die right there,at that very moment.”Lucky Italians”,I was thinking afterwards,”you died here and someone built a memorial for you.Your families back in Italy wept and cried for your loss.I’ll die here and no one will care.There won’t be a memorial for me.They’ll find my body in the morning next to your memorial.A worthless dead body here,disgracing your memory.”
The crisis passed and,to my disappointment,I was still alive.Why can’t I die?Why do I have to continue my tragic life?Why must my suffering go on?I have no answers.All I know is that I have no reason to continue living.I’ve made it so far,yes.But as the saying goes: ”so far,so good,so what?” I want to end my life.This can’t go on.
I envy the drowned Italians and I know that this is a bad thing to say.I wish I was one of them.
Now I’m back home.I wish I could stay there being dead.