there is a bit of comfort here in this place. knowing that noone knows me or how to find me. knowing that i dont have to answer any questions, and can say whatever i want. i want to be numb. honestly the only reason i am still alive and breathing is because i havent found a quick way out of this life. i have attempted overdose of pills which only landed me in ICU with a tube down my stomach and 24 hours of isolation. I have had a gun to my head but then was afraid of knowing that it wasnt a big enough gun to do any other damage then embasressment or retardation. still put me in the hospital with people crazier then me and at the end of a table with 12 drs. and nurses scanning over my every body movement and twitch before deciding to let me go. and then being released to my roomate and her brand new girlfriend, who i met that day.
i know i didnt have a picture perfect childhood. beaten by step-mom, taken by the state into foster care and then given back to my parents. but i dont blame them. i dont blame anyone except myself of course. i just dont know how or when it got messed up. i made some really bad decisions, but who hasnt? i hate this empty feeling. i think thats the worse part. i can have a really good day, and then within moments a thought of somesort comes swooping in and i just dont want to live.Â
they say to make everyday as if it was your last. i really do believe that one, mostly because i can only hope that it is my last day. i am surrounded by people who love me, and i love them, but yet i want to be alone. i am tired of people needing me to “check in” with them just because of my attempts before. if i show no emotion, something is wrong, if i seem sad, i am not appreciating life. what do they expect me to do? everyday all i can do is keep trying………………
1 comment
I know exactly how u feel so empty and alone inside I feel so srry 4 u. But u know wat I’ve found u and I’m gonna help u there’s no way u can get away from my help! I’m worried plz don’t take ur life I’ll miss u and I don’t even know u. Plz talk 2 me so I can help u.