No one would’ve guessed.

My name shall remain anonymous. I’ll go by KLM, just to make things easier for everyone who decides to read this.

This is my story. It involves: depression, mood disorder, drugs, drinking, sex, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and lots of other mature content. I don’t want to trigger anyone, so just stating it before hand. Here goes nothin’.

I was born in Las Vegas, Nevada. Still live in the same house after being alive for these past sixteen years. A lot has happened in my life the past five years. When I was a child, I was a good kid. I got good grades, hardly ever got in trouble at school or home, had a loving and caring family, and everything was just great. In fourth grade, I met a friend of mine who changed my life forever (alias: MJ). MJ was into the “darker” clothes, the dark make-up, pretty much everyone called her emo when I was little because emo wasn’t really developed into a certain lifestyle when I was 9. Anyways, me and MJ didn’t start off being best friends. We were pretty much acquaintances up until I began attending my middle school. She and I were both new to middle school and decided to stick together. Later on, I found out she lives just down the street from me. We began hanging out on a daily basis. Soon after, becoming best friends. I started to pick up on the “emo” style. I dyed my hair black, started dressing a lot darker. 6th grade, I was still pretty good. A’s and B’s on my report cards. 7th grade is when everything changed. MJ and I met a girl. I’ll call her WM. WM was, by far, the most messed up 12 year old I have ever met. She was smoking weed, drinking, popping pills, having sex, etc. MJ smoked cigarettes, but nothing worse. Eventually WM rubbed off on us. We all became pretty close and Halloween of my 7th grade year, I popped pills for the first time. I believe they were Hydros or Xanax. Not too sure, might’ve been both for all I know. I started “fitting in” with them, and frankly, I felt accepted. I felt as if everything was going great. I started ditching school to go to WM’s house and smoke (weed & cigs), drink, and just chill. I was a 12 year old doing all these things & I regret it, looking back at it now. My brain wasn’t fully developed… It wasn’t matured enough and I put all these chemicals into it and now I’m sitting here telling you my fucked up life story. I began getting very curious when it came to sexual things. I had a boyfriend (alias:MIKE) from October – April-ish of my 7th grade year (we broke up and got together a lot, very on-and-off). Him and I planned on having sex, never did. We broke up and I got a new boyfriend (alias: LA). I then lost my virginity to LA on March 9th, 2009 (I believe that was the year, I get confused sometimes). Being not emotionally ready for that, I proceeded to freak out and tell my mom (at this point, my family’s relationship was already strained and I was taking anger / parent-child classes with my parents). I was freaking out so bad that my mom didn’t think I was stable enough to be at home that night. I was taken to my first mental hospital (Spring Mountain). I wasn’t there for long, I got released after a few days. It seems as if after I turned into a 12 year old interested in sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, I also turned into a very angry teenager. I was mad at everyone and everything. Cliche for a teenager, I guess. I actually don’t remember any hospitalizations between that one and my this past year (2012). Horrible memories are easily blocked out of my head.  Kind of a blessing that I have the capability to do that. Anyways, 7th grade finished and MJ and I grew a bit distant (she was moving back and forth between parents since her dad was a huge drug addict & her mom was abusive). I tried homeschooling at the beginning of my 8th grade year. I only did it for a few weeks and my social skills already went to shit. I became incredibly socially awkward, and I actually still am to this day. I couldn’t do homeschooling anymore because I was incredibly bored with it and wanted to go back to public school. My parents re-enrolled me at the same middle school. My 8th grade year wasn’t that bad. I had a guy friend whom I started to develop feelings for (alias: EC) towards the end of 8th grade. I met EC when I was in 7th grade, but we were a bit mean to each other (moreso in a joking way though). In 8th grade, I had him for my health class. Mean jokes turned into flirting, flirting turned into exchanging numbers, and that turned into dating from the summer of 8th grade to 9th. He was a really good guy. I actually took his virginity while we dated. After him and I broke up, I began to question my sexuality. I was very attracted to a good friend of mine (alias: AM). I knew she was pansexual, and she was also a grade higher than me. Her and I got to texting and I asked her if she liked me. She kept beating around the bush until I finally told her I liked her. She then opened up and told me she felt the same way. We began dating shortly after. I was a bit bi-curious, not sure exactly what I wanted. We broke up a few weeks later due to my emotional issues. By this point, I’d been hospitalized atleast three more times (all three were at Monte Vista). I was a very angry and emotional teen. I was also on a mood stabilizer called Abilify. I was away from drugs and drinking for most of my 8th grade year. Once 9th grade hit, it all went downhill again. MJ enrolled at my high school (since she was living near me again, with her mom). MJ and I became best friends again. MJ and I then met another girl (kind of like the WM situation, but not as drastic). She was a grade higher than us (alias: BRI). MJ & I found out BRI also lived in our neighborhood. She was a pot head, so thus, I began smoking weed again. The first week of my freshman year, I fell into a dark spot. I had a friend named Jill who was a grade higher than me (I also met her in 4th grade, but I didn’t involve her much previously because nothing major happened with her). Jill had a half brother named John. He was 27 and I looked up to him. He was a big brother figure to me. He was always there, always available to talk, always told me he’d kick any guy’s ass who hurt me. Anyways, September 2nd, 2010, Jill found John dead in their garage. He committed suicide by carbon monoxide poison from an old car. I was torn to pieces. He was the first person I ever lost who was genuinely close to me. It hurt like fuck and I was heart broken. Later on my freshman year, MJ, BRI, & I all began smoking weed and drinking a lot. MJ dropped out her freshman year because she had to go live with her dad. I visited MJ at her dad’s house a lot. Her dad was a huge druggie, but he was like my second dad. He was extremely protective over me. Her dad was 38 and he hung out with a lot of younger people (15-25) as a way to feel young. I was 14 when I’d go to her house a lot, so obviously, there where guys around my age at MJ’s house all the time. Her dad would smoke us out and he was just really chill. He would never let me go in the back room of their house, because that’s where they did harder drugs. Anyways, 420 happened to fall in the middle of Spring Break my freshman year. I spent the entire Spring Break at MJ’s house, being high / drunk / both constantly. I hooked up with a few guys that week as well. My mom hated that I did drugs. She could obviously tell I did though, I wasn’t doing a good job of hiding it. When I came home after the week was over, I got lectured by my mom. Being the impulsive teenager I was, I decided I was fed up and ran away to MJ’s dad’s house. But her & I both knew I couldn’t stay there because that would be the first place my mom would look for me. I went to (my boyfriend at the time) Ryan’s house. But he still lived in MJ’s neighborhood and we were paranoid that my mom might shut down their neighborhood looking for me (she works for the police department, I wouldn’t doubt it). From Ryan’s house I went to his friend, Kevin’s, house. Kevin was 17 and I was 14. He lived with his parents, but only him and his older cousin were home at the time. I stayed in Kevin’s room due to the fact I didn’t want his parents knowing I was there and trying to kick me out. I was laying on his bed when he proceeded to force himself on me. His cousin knew what was going on, but did nothing. Kevin just kept doing what he was doing no matter what I did to fight him off. I eventually passed out from all the screaming, fighting, and pain. I woke up the next morning and booked it out of his house so fast. I went back to MJ’s and called my mom to come get me. I was off my Abilify for almost 2 weeks at that point and I was incredibly unstable. My mom had cops show up with her to get me, just in case I tried to run. I was then taken to Monte Vista again so they could stabilize me with supervision. I was switched on-and-off a lot of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers with the years following (as of now, I’m on Welbutrin). Safe to say, I was getting pretty deep into my depression and I was unbelievably unstable. Freshman year finished, sophomore year started. Nothing too major happened in my sophomore year. I missed my first try at the proficiencies though because I was hospitalized again. I smoked / drank socially. I would only smoke or drink if someone had some and was willing to share. I hardly ever paid for my own stuff. During my sophomore year I dated a few people (guys and girls), but nothing serious. Now, fast forward to fall of 2012. The start of my junior year. I was dating (not anymore, lol) a guy (alias: FU) and November 17th was a day when everything went wrong again. I was in a depression stage because FU was a controlling type of guy and I felt like my life was slipping into a dark stage again. I was with FU and a few of his friends at our mutual friend’s (alias: TZ) house. I was on my phone looking through random Facebook statuses when I saw something that broke my heart. A friend posted something like this, “R.I.P. EC -insert whatever else was said-“. I started panicking and I only saw that one status at first. I thought it was maybe a joke, someone trying to be funny. (EC & I were still close friends after we broke up and I still talked to him frequently). But then more and more started to pop up. I showed FU (who didn’t know who he was, but I was freaking out) and I began hyperventilating and panicking. I texted a friend of mine who was really close to EC (alias: KED). I texted KED saying: “What are these statuses about EC on Facebook? This is a joke right?” & by then everyone FU and I were with knew what was going on because I was somewhat crying and still hyperventilating very hard. A few seconds later, KED called me and as soon as I saw the call I ran out of TZ’s house and answered it. All I heard was KED crying. I’ve never heard him cry before, and he was bawling. All he kept saying was, “EC’s dead. He overdosed. EC’s dead.” and I fell to the floor on the sidewalk and began bawling my eyes out. FU came out and tried picking me off the floor. I kept going limp though. I didn’t want to be picked up. I wanted to lay there forever and never move. I just wanted to stop breathing. I was crying hysterically and I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. I called my mom (who knew EC and liked him quite a bit) & she answered. All she could hear was my hyperventilating and crying. She asked, “What’s wrong, Kelsee? What’s going on?” & she sounded scared. I then proceeded to say, “Ethan’s dead. He overdosed.” and I could hear my mom’s voice get sad. She said she was sorry and would talk when she got home (her & my dad went out that night). I went back to FU’s house and tried to calm down, but I couldn’t. Eventually I went home because I just wanted to be alone. Not around a single person. I’m actually starting to get a bit teary eyed as I write this because the emotions and feelings are still so raw, even though it was almost 7 months ago. My mom came home and gave me the biggest hug. My emotions went on rampage mode and I sunk into a deep depression. In mid-December, I decided to go to a party with my friend (alias: NP) and a few others. I got triple-faded that day. I smoked weed, drank, and did shrooms for the first (and last time). Long story short: Had a bad trip, saw Slenderman-like figures, had my mom come get me at 7/11 at 4:30 A.M. Shortly after that, FU and I broke up. A lot was going through my head. I was contemplating suicide for months by that point. I went home from school early on December 19th, 2012. I looked in our cabinets in the kitchen, which is where my parents keep all their pills. My dad had just got his prescriptions filled. I took his blood pressure and thyroid pills (thyroid wasn’t my first choice, but there was a lot of them & I figured a lot of anything can kill you). I counted them all and there was 111 pills total (it’s still weird seeing 111 to this day, lol). 81 of the thyroid pills and 30 blood pressure. I took them around 5 P.M. on December 19th. My friend (alias: AU) knew something was wrong. He’s a good friend that I talk to all my problems about, so he knew what was going through my head around that time. He called me & asked me if I did anything stupid. I said yes and told him what happened. He then told me I have to tell my parents or he will call them and do it himself. My parents were told around 7 P.M. and my mom called 911, etc. My dad (who I don’t get along with anymore since we have a strained relationship after I started doing drugs and such in 7th grade) came in my room and proceeded to call me a “dumb ass”. The paramedics showed up, but nothing was wrong with me. At most, my stomach hurt a bit. They took my blood pressure and it was actually a tad bit high. They asked me if I really took all those pills and asked me if I was just doing it for attention. I told them I took all of them, but they didn’t believe me. They told me if I took 30 blood pressure pills that I should have a heart rate of 0 and be dead. That actually pissed me off a bit because I was like, “Well why the hell am I still breathing? My intent was to die!” I was transported to UMC and taken to the ER. Since it was 2 hours+ after I took the pills, they couldn’t pump my stomach or make me drink charcoal since the pills were already digested. They took several blood test and whatnot. At about 3 A.M. on December 20th, I was transported to Spring Mountain (at this point I’d been to Spring Mountain once previously & Monte Vista 8 other times). I stayed there for exactly 2 weeks and was transported to Copper Hills Youth Center in West (or possibly South, I don’t remember) Jordan, Utah for long-term treatment. That was my first long-term ever. When I first got there I was angry with the world. I was punching stuff a lot (which they classified as “self harm” since I had never cut) and I actually popped a few blood vessels in my hands and they were swollen, bruised, and gross, lol. But anyways, after being there a few weeks, I got a lot more comfortable and opened up more towards the end of January. My therapist showed me my treatment plan. On it, it stated I had to go 3 months without punching anything (it technically said “without self-harm”) in order to be considered to go home. My intended stay was 6-9 months, but, in the beginning of April, my therapist was notified that my dad’s insurance was no longer paying for me to stay there and I had to be sent home (Thank GOD). I was taken home April 6th of this year and things were alright for awhile. The main issue was still there though: my parents. They always sent me to treatment to “better myself”, but they never realized I’m not the only fucked up one in this house. They both need to get help and realize they’re causing issues as well, although they’ll never admit to it. So, I came back and I did schooling in CHYC, but I was a bit behind on my junior credits, but it was too late to jump back into public school, so I started “attending” a school called Academy of Individualized Study (basically homeschooling with packets that I go test on every week at a nearby high school). I made up my credits and actually got ahead. I currently have 20.5 out of 22.5 needed to graduate and I’m not even a senior yet. I still need to pass my math (failed) & writing (was absent) proficiencies though, in order to graduate. I was actually pretty excited though, because with AIS, I can do school work at my own pace (very fast, in my case) and I’m taking Government right now over the summer & making up my Algebra 2 credit in summer school. With all of that done and completed / passed, all I would need to take is a fourth English class for my senior year and I meet Nevada graduation requirements, meaning I could graduate early. My plan is to try really hard and graduate (hopefully) before Halloween of this year. But, alas, another problem is on the horizon. Obviously I still don’t get along too well with my parents (esp. my dad), so I would like to leave ASAP, but that would require money and a job, etc. Recently, I have actually been contemplating suicide again, this time by hanging. I feel overwhelmed and stressed from my parents. Always pushing my buttons, calling me names, and just being a nuisance. I’ve actually spent 80% of my summer in my room, sleeping, eating, watching TV /Netflix, and texting. I occasionally go out with my friends, but not often. I’ve been sleeping a lot recently too (which could be from another issue I’ll mention a bit further down), like anywhere from 8-20 hours a day. I have a really close friend who’s like an older sister (alias: KB & she is 19). Our moms have known each other since they were both 15, so it’s safe to say I was pretty much raised around KB & her younger brother (alias: JT) who’s a month younger than me. They’re family. KB knows I have a lot of problems with my parents and she’s actually planning on getting her own apartment / house soon. I told her I was feeling suicidal again & I vented to her about what’s been going on with my parents and I. KB then said when she gets her own place, I’m more than welcome to go live with her. That’s literally the only reason I’m sitting here still alive. I asked my parents about moving out after I graduate early (I’d be 17 and not legal) and they said as long as I graduate, I can do what I want. My thought though, is since they trust KB a lot, if she gets an apartment / house before I graduate, I could go live with her regardless. I didn’t mention I was planning on moving in with KB to my parents though, because I didn’t want them to sabotage anything. My mom also said if I plan on moving out before I’m 18, I should get emancipated (which I’m 100% down for). BUT we have yet another issue on the rise (one that is a lot more serious as well). Okay, so, about two or so years ago I made a friend online that lives in Vegas as well (alias: BM). Two years ago when we talked, we talked a few for months, but it never furthered from friendship. We also drifted apart after awhile & I changed my number last year, so I lost his and he didn’t have my new one. Fast forward to May of this year, I got a kik message from a “BM” & the name sounded so familiar (He got my kik off a website). I looked at his profile on said website and realized it was the same guy. I replied to his kik message that I know him, we were friends forever ago, etc. & he replied with stuff about remembering me also. We got to talking again & he’s now 19 (as of the beginning of June) and just graduated high school. Him & I got into a conversation about liking each other in mid-May. We both really like each other, but with it being summer neither of us really want to date right now. Not that I would hook-up with any other people, but it’s a lot different when you’re dating someone over the summer versus not. You have the urge to talk to them, vice versa, but you might get busy, or someone might get butthurt at party pictures, etc. So, if him & I are still talking towards the end of summer / fall we’ll probably get together. But here’s the issue: on his birthday, him and I had sex. Sparing you from disgusting details: he busted twice, first time inside, second time outside (in my defense, I didn’t even know he busted the first time because he just kept going. When he told me he did twice I started freaking out). Went straight from round 1 to round 2. I am on birth control but have been forgetting to take my pill & have been irregular. Was ovulating that same day. So, suffice to say, I may be pregnant with his child. It terrifies  me to think like that though, because when I was starting to get suspicious about it, I asked him “hypothetically” what he would do if he got me pregnant. He said he’d push for abortion because neither of us are in a place to take care of a kid, and I understood and agreed completely. But here’s my thing: I have strict morals against abortions. I could NEVER bring myself to have an abortion. If I was pregnant but couldn’t afford for the child and support them, I’d give it up for adoption. & I’m not one of those girls that freaking out about being pregnant for no reason. Like, ever since, my body has been acting weirdly and been doing things that it hasn’t before (I’ll spare you gross details). So I’m completely overwhelmed by that and not sure what to do if I am (I’ll be taking a test towards the beginning of July). My mom always told me if I got pregnant and wanted to keep it, I couldn’t live with her anymore (which I’m thinking is an empty threat because she couldn’t legally do that and she’s probably saying it to make me not want to keep a child at a young age). So, I’m hanging out with KB tomorrow (today, technically) and I’m going to talk to her more about the apartment / house. I’m also going to tell her my fear of being pregnant. She’s very understanding and she’s actually really good with kids, so I’m thinking if I wanted to keep it, she could help me out. The whole keeping the kid freaks me out too though, because if BM doesn’t want to be apart of the kid’s life (which I highly doubt, but you never know), then I’m just going to be getting money and have no father-like support for the kid. Also, if I find out I am, I would most likely try to move in with KB even sooner & get emancipated. If I can’t, then I’d just hide the pregnancy from my parents until I graduate. It’ll be a bit difficult, but if they did decide to kick me out, I wouldn’t be able to finish school, which I need to do.

Well, that’s my incredibly fucked up (and detailed) life ~

xo Anonymous Fake Smiles ♥