First, you have to understand this. I am normally a very quiet, kind-hearted, caring kind of person who never, ever, yells at someone or is intentionally mean to another. But today, today I exploded.
So in school I am in this advanced program at school called the International Baccalaureate, or IB, program. The IB program at my school enables me the chance to go to a world school for my grade twelve year and another year. Basically these classes teach me more than the regular curriculum in order to provide a challenge for myself. I work very hard at my school work so I am actually able to leave my family behind a year earlier than if I were to wait to graduate from secondary school.
Today my father and I were flipping through my yearbook and we came across the IB section which has a picture of the grade twelve’s who managed to stay in the full program; there were only six students. That did not surprise me because this program requires a lot of self-dedication, self-discipline and the right attitude. What bothered me was my father’s wife’s comment.
As my father and her were walking out the door because of her selfish need, she said, and I quote, “They are only there because they are over achievers who are not mentally prepared for the “real” world.” Now it may not make sense as to why it was that comment that triggered this explosion, but it did and I am going to explain myself.
First off, she has no idea the amount of pressure, dedication or discipline it takes to be able to actually partake in and graduate from this program. She is a high school teacher but she teaches English and Social Studies, which in my opinion those subjects take the least amount of knowledge to pass and do well in. They are not like Math and Science where you have memorize formulas in order to even be able to start figuring out the problem or find the solution. In both English and Social Studies if you argue your side of the discussion well enough you will pass any assignment handed out. I find those classes to need the least amount of knowledge but with an explanation.
Second, that women has never done anything for anyone else and part of this program requires something called “cast” hours. These are volunteering hours; to show that you give back to your community. Her comment suggested that the students in this program only care about the mark and not the assignment itself. I mean sure, we are part of this program because we are able to get good marks, but the people in these classes are the nicest and most caring individuals I have ever met and her comment contradicted everything I know to be true about my fellow students; that highly upset me.
Third, they were leaving because she wanted to go have a beer with a friend of hers. My father and I do not get along but looking through my yearbook we actually had a “moment” that those cliché movies always have. I could tell she hated that by the way she looked and the tone of her voice Because she is so selfish she just decided to take him away from me more than he already is.
I know that life is not fair, and I have known that for awhile, but will I ever get a chance to actually have a parent? Even if it is only one? I see all those stupid movies where the teenage girls are all “Daddy’s little girl” and I want something like that. I don’t even have to be his little girl, I just want a dad…
My dad’s wife and I do not get along at all; we never have. She is way too high-strong and materialistic that we just clash with one another and she just excludes me from everything that I have stopped trying. So this little explosion that I had tonight was a long-time coming. She hurts me every day in a new way, yet I still feel horrible for exploding the way I did.
I just started shouting and yelling. I called her so many nasty, rude and mean things. I never should have said them, I can already tell it is going to get really bad when they get home.
There is one thing I cannot figure out though. I mean, in a way, she deserved what said, but I have not felt this guilty since I made one of my best friends think I was dead for two weeks. I have no idea why I fee the way I do. I want to apologize for everything I said, yet I know if I do I will regret it. It’s like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. No matter what I do I will “lose” in the end anyway.
Also, if I do apologize it is like she won again. I know life is not a competition, but no matter what I do when it some to her, I always feel like I lose and I hate that feeling. But here I am once again, stuck in a lose-lose situation.
6 comments
Hello JKD,
So what I’m getting from this is that you would like more special time with your father and a little more respect from your fathers wife, is that right? Thats understandable and its not a surprise from what heard that you exploded, it is usually the more reserved people that internalise emotions that end up exploding with everything, we burst, i’d like to think i had a similar issue once.
I’m not here to give advice i really just want to make someone feel better, i think the thing thats kept me sane over the last few years is I’ve had an outlet for my expression, passion and soul, i played drums for a while, it took so much off the anger i had inside away, it was amazing.
Your outlet could be anything, a sport, an art anything. Anyway like i said thats not why I’m here, unless that helps anyway, but the main thing i think is to try and let go of some of these angry thought you seem to have, that way no-one loses – you could you an outlet, some good friends always help, or meeting new people something like that i guess.
i hope i did something,
Hope all is well with you
P.s. English & social studies are different i think, some people are academic some are more artful, i don’t think they’re easy.
Peace
sorry for bad grammar 🙁
told you english was hard 😉
It sounds like you took out your frustration that had been building for a while on the nearest target. She probably didn’t deserve all of it since she wasn’t responsible for all of it. BUT she did deserve to hear some of it, the truth.
You can’t undo what you said but you can explain why you got angry at her. The best thing you can do to prevent the explosions in the future is to be honest with your feelings when they happen rather than let them build.
I’ve got some advice. Please don’t feel guilty. You are sticking up for yourself, you’re really expressing your feelings about something that is dear to you, something which your father’s wife has no consideration for looking into, before making comments. So she did have it coming. I wouldn’t apologise. I know it may or may not be possible, but in this situation I’d leave straight away. Forget about the what iffs, just leave the situation behind and try to find another location. It’s not as easy as this suggestion sounds. It’s more that you don’t need toxic people in your life really. Yet in your situation you need to at least tell them how they hurt you so much and no you’re not sorry for being passionate about your project. You’re growing up now. Even if your Dad and I think stepmother? Doesn’t acknowledge this, you need to acknowledge it. You are growing up now, and at least you’re doing what’s right in life and for yourself.
Are you going to a french school then?
No, it’s all English