So, since discussing methods is not allowed how bout discussing self destructive tendencies. I personally like to sleep deprive myself by abusing caffeine pills. I smoke tobacco and generally try anything to push my mood into a more depressed state. So first, sleep deprivation. Before I was on medication for my depression my sleep cycle was completely reversed. I would be awake during the night and sleep during the day. However, I was still in school so I often could not sleep during the day which meant no sleep at all for a day. Which I kinda enjoyed except for the fact that my marks tanked because I would often just sleep in class or be too exhausted to study/focus. So now I continue my long lost tradition usually staying up to 48 hours before 12 hours of sleep. Second portion of that, abusing caffeine pills. So recommended dosage is about 1 200 mg pill per 4-5 hours and 5 pills per 24 hour period. I use to take about 6-7 at a time. Really gives you an adrenaline rush, no where near fatal however, heart palpitations, some people experience anxiety. Anyway half life for caffeine on the conservative side is 6 hours so 7 pills is 1400 mgs. 1400 over the first 6 hours is 700 mgs left then next 6 hours is 350 then 175 then, well you get the picture. Assuming thats how half-life of caffeine stays in your system then it can take a long time before it wears off. Would also not recommend excersizing after taking caffeine pills. Almost passed out once just from standing up. Another reason I abuse caffeine pills is because they increase your metabolism but they also curb appetite. If you have ever taken anti-depressants or anti psychotics you know the effects they can have on your weight. So I see it as evening the playing field. Note: caffeine inhibits the bodies ability to absorb calcium so I also take vitamin D and drink more milk. Dont know how much of a difference it makes but not interested in arthritis especially since an auto immune counterpart, rheumatory arthritis, runs in the family. However, dont think drinking milk will solve that. So whats next…Smoking. Well I smoke cigars and pipe tobacco because they are a mild stimulant so they increase metabolism and curb appetite. Obviously they cause cancer also but I dont really care how I die. Sooner, later. Now, in 30 years. I mean preferably sooner than later but thats not really an option. Last one, trying to make myself depressed. Now this might be an odd one for some people as it seems everyone is determined to get back to their “old self” and be happy again. I have given that a year and a half, I believe. Ive tried seeing social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists. Found medication that makes most of the symptoms of depression go away, sans suicidal thoughts and actions. Found great counselling, where I could speak my mind and even go as far as saying I think constantly about killing myself and they dont call the cops or whatever happens after someone says something like that. Honestly though, its not that great being at the stage of being functioning but still suicidal. I want my mood to reflect my thoughts. I feel like a should be in crippling emotional pain but I just feel nothing. Which could obviously be a symptom of depression. So pushing myself further into depression might not make me feel more but make me feel less. Another thing with being more depressed though is that it makes you impulsive and desperate which is a deadly combination for a suicidal person. So what have I done to facilitate this shift to the negative. Well, I cut back my medication for a month. If anyone cares or is interested I am on 20 mg of cipralex and 10 mg of abilify. So I cut that back to 10 and 5 respectively which is still at a therapeutic dose for some. What else…things ive always wanted to try but am scared of becoming addicted to. Ritalin or Adderal. Cocaine or OxyCotin. Obviously the latter two are quite…deadly? Addictive? Illegal? All of the above? While the former two are tamer but I hear good things. Also, when I was in a psych ward, buddy next to me was abusing adderal and it put him into psychosis. Correct if I am wrong however. So its 12:33 and I took two caffeine pills and im setting in for a long night. I unfortunately do not have anyone to talk to at this time so I am going to just keep typing until I run out of ideas. This is genuinely why I like this site. Everyone can ramble on (dont mean that in negative way) and no one well look at them like they are crazy. Firstly, because they cant look at them crazily but also because I feel like people on here, even though we are here for different reasons, will understand better. Better than the general populace that is. Back to the topic of drugs, legal or otherwise, I think I am attracted to it because I mean the whole reason I am depressed is because of some chemical imbalance or inability on my part to be receptive to serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin or what have you. Understanding where happiness comes from and how…tangible it is? Really puts in focus the fact of how meaningless it is. I mean we evolved this way, with dopamine receptors, just so we could learn. Our bodies classically condition us. Do something good? Have a shot of dopamine. Drool like Pavlov’s dogs. I am going to create a second post so people dont have to read another long post if they want to comment on something on this one.