A one line philosophical view without supporting deductions?! Madness!
Everything that exists is irrelevant; everything that is relevant does not exist.
What is this, a poem for ants!
Oh terrible and wretched affliction
thine own self bestowed unknown trickery
Waking moments turned jaded reverie
Respite after paroxysm episodes
Plead for thine eyes; life’s mirage. Soft spoken,
drink blissful nepenthe—
and descend forth to tenebrous token
Holy Neptune Batman! An even shorter poem!
Who is the end’s envoy?
Will its arrival be declared
With pomp and importance
Like a leader to a city endeared?
If it be such an obtuse show
Will it be righteous celebration
Or rage filled exclamation
Like our own universe’s consummation?
Perhaps the end will visit unnoticed
Conducting with the subtle poise
Of a rehearsed performance
Conclusion marked through but the lack of noise
Look! Short poem. Perfect for killing time without committing to heavy reading!
Once there was a man whose
Dreams were realised while he slept
Problems ameliorated as he dreamt
The man would fall asleep
Before the sun went fully down
And woke after it
Had rose and obscured reality known
One night he woke with a start and
Stared into black abyss
Truth existed there in dark recess
Never did the man dream
Of money nor success again
Now he stays awake
The dreams forgot, the truth retain
It is amazing how much people judge suicidal people and it is not only the non suicidal. Within the ranks of suicidal the old are judging the young, the traumatized judging the better off and probably even a division within different diagnosis, depressed versus manic possibly. Everyone is trying to legitimise their own reasons, trying to be the most deserving of death. I do not think it matters why you choose to attempt suicide. Suicide is valid no matter what. Even if you did it to spite someone, it is just as valid. I believe they are all valid because life is meaningless. Death is meaningless. All of our actions are meaningless. Love, compassion and friendship it is not that suicide is elevated to the perceived limits of meaning that these have; it is that all these concepts are just as meaningful, meaningless, as death.
I thought I would have more to say on the subject but it is tedious to keep going over the same nonsense time and time again. So there is a little snippet, life is meaningless, I hope one day that suicide will not be such a huge deal.
Holy crap, I just went through the fastest mood swing I have ever heard of. I went from depressed, to manic, to depressed again. All while feeling suicidal. It has not even been a full twenty-four hours. First depressive phase was like all sad and fun stuff like that. Then it was like I had the best stimulant in the world. I could not stop smiling and planning out a really unlikely way of killing myself. Then the depression came back and I was like. That would never work. How delusional could I be. More than delusional though was the sense of being just better than everyone in every way almost. It was very odd. I mean I have been diagnosed bipolar in the hospital but never really stuck and I have only been on anti depressants. Still it is unfortunate that my mania did not last. It would have been very interesting to see how my plan would have worked out.
After all that though I kind of levelled out and now I have a much more sensible plan, should I ever feel like it.
Anyone else notice that there is a delay publish setting? How convenient is that. Very convenient, that is how much. I have a very bold plan that I am setting up. I mean it is bold and daring and probably doomed to fail but still very exciting. I just hope I have the nerve to do it. I use to care about whether or not I would be making a public display of my death or trying to limit how gruesome it is, but really there is no rules in death. Trying to create any for yours just hampers the process. Unfortunately I will have to wait awhile. It is like waiting for Christmas.
With that in mind, I have to update why I am going to attempt again. I do not know how much of a factor this is but just plain depression. I stopped taking my medication. Why? Well I find depression will make you desperate and in times of trying to kill yourself you have to be desperate. It is more than that however, I am just really angry at everyone in my life. Also, the thing I thought I would regret not doing, was out of my control anyway. It was never a possibility.
So wish me luck and I would just like to say how fun this site has been, I may be twisted for saying that, but it was good to see like minded people and some of you had very insightful posts.
I wish I could say today was the day that I would commit suicide or at least someday soon. Not because I need others to see it but because it would finally mean that I…I…would not have to deal with the whole span of my life? That I could just focus on time determined by suicide date subtract now. I literally have no faith in my ability to commit suicide. I could probably have a gun and I would still mess it up. The best pills I have access to are caffeine pills -.-. I mean maybe I take 100 then sprint until I get a heart attack. Are ridiculous suicide methods still not allowed to be mentioned? Unless anti depressants are fatal? No need to answer any questions you are uncomfortable I will probably just Google it anyway.
So, anyone have any great epiphanies while I wasn’t looking? No? Okay. I have not had a great epiphany either so I know that feels.
Anyway, I would just like to say how tired I am of sleeping, how tired I am of regretting decisions that involved you. Ha. I can not even say miss you because in no way shape or form did I even come close to knowing you. Anyway, I am just so fucking tired of regrets. I am so tired of thinking about you. So tired of living, so tired of lying, so tired of pretending and so damn tired of wishing.
I wish I could post this on facebook. I wish I could tell this to everyone’s face. I wish people understood and accepted and…and…I do not know what I exactly want. Maybe I just want to not want.
Maybe if we limited ourselves to 140 characters, like twitter limits a tweet, when we think about our problems we would be better able to get a handle on exactly what is the most pertinent problem facing us. I for one will consider way to many factors when I try to flesh out my problems.
“I am too anxious to go to school because I missed school the other day and my teachers will berate me. However, it is not my fault I have insomnia.”
This was actually part of the reason why I first tried to commit suicide. I did not quite understand it than but the constant admonishment that I got for being late and absent every day made me less and less likely to go back to school the next day. Which in turn affected my grades, which in turn affected my views about my self worth and when I finally graduated and got rejected by university it just overwhelmed me.
“There is no meaning to life because…I do not really know but I have theories that comfort me. These theories validate my eventual suicide.”
I guess this is the phase I am stuck in now. I don’t know if I really believe that life has no meaning or I am just using it as an excuse.
Anyone else paranoid on this site about the prospect of police showing up to bring you to the hospital. I swear whenever my parents arent sleeping and keep checking on me at night I think they are just keeping me safe until an ambulance can come and bring me to the hospital. Truly frightens me.
Anyone feel like they missed an opportunity to finally get out of depression and maybe make some kind of life out of your…life? I think I had that chance but I was too depressed and caught up in suicidal planning. Now I am alive and wishing I had considered the fact that I might live. I regret that I got frustrated and ignored people and pushed them out of my life. Most of all though I think its a way of depression to fuel itself. First, it makes me miss an opportunity, then it makes me obsessively regret that missed opportunity. So I get more depressed and miss more opportunities, repeat to infinity.
Things do not move fast enough in the morning times, or night times or any time someone is manic I guess. Not saying I am. Just more acting manic. Mind racing, feel unstoppable. How was I gunna relate this back to depression or suicide…I guess really the fact that this is the only time I am alone is quite dangerous if I were so inclined. In fact all my attempts except one have been in the dead of night. General factors that were present for all of them, a means to an end, alcohol and…time. I guess thats all anyone ever needs…
Through the past year I have learned a lot about depression and a little of mental illnesses in general and since I have nothing better to do for the next…4 hours I will type out what I think I have learned. Please correct me if I am wrong.
Side effects of depression, whether it be major depressive disorder, dythemia- but excluding manic or bipolar depression
-loss of concentration
-weight gain/loss(amazing how you can have the two extremes for one illness…)
-feeling of hopelessness or helplessness
-poor memory(possibly relating to loss of concentration or lack of sleep)
-sleeping too much or not enough(again with the polar opposites)
Now some that relate specifically to me that may not be other peoples experience
-self destructive behaviours
-distancing from social situations(possibly a step before a suicide plan)
-fatique(maybe due to malnourishment, from not caring about taking care of myself)
Now for bipolar
-manic episodes (obviously, not as noticeable in type 2)
-can actually have negative symptoms, not all schizophrenics see or hear things
And I guess that is my limited knowledge of mental disorders, excluding OCD
So one night. About 1500 words later and this is my 3rd, 4th post? It feels good I guess to just ramble on without having to worry about people I know judging my saneness. Social media is…frustrating sometimes. It looks like a good place to vent, but you are constrained to acting the persona you put on in front of friends. Which I guess is your decision, but you can not always be honest people. Especially if you are depressed. You often tread a fine line with what you say and what you let people know. In the past I have tried being honest with people. So far it has gotten me rejected once and made me lose someone who I considered to be a best friend. Which really isnt the end of the world but everything hurts within its own limits. I guess it hurts even more because I feel like it was my fault, like I could have done something different and had a different result. Which I guess goes without saying…doing something different and expecting a different result. Sometimes though you have to realise that you werent responsible. Ruminating about things is not helpful for depressed people. My whole life I went without remembering the day before but suddenly I get depressed and I have an eidetic memory. Can recall every single, small detail. Honestly though, the benefits outweigh all the wasted time I spend on useless thoughts. Honestly, my memory has improved 10 fold. Just a small side note does too many posts in a short time equal spam? Oh well Ill find out I guess. Im trying to relate it back to depression. I mean I would love to talk about suicide but for a suicide forum they are strangely against it. Its called the Suicide Project, but I have not seen one suicide project. Not that im encouraging anyone to suicide. Thats your decision. Although the general populace thinks that you are incapable of making decisions when you are depressed. I get it, you have an altered mental status but so is not being depressed. If the majority of people were depressed and there were a few outliers who werent, would they not have the altered mental status? Bah, anything anti evolutionary-not anti theory of evolution, but something that is not productive to survival-is frowned upon. Frustrating. Anyone know any good shows that deal with suicide and depression? Few from my list would be House where Kutner killed himself. Uh, Dead Like Me. which dealt with loss and grieving. Other than that though not too much exposure. Sleep deprivation is interesting. Forgetfulness, strain on the heart, weight gain, psychosis, uh, more depressed mood-I contend that one though. Recently, ive been following the stock market. Trying to find a winning recipe and just generally get excited about the intricate nuances about how to determine worth of a stock. When to buy, when to sell. Following every opinion and speculation for why this stock went up why that one went down. However, suicide and stock markets almost go hand in hand when theirs a depression on either end.
Just wondering how many people out there are apathetic perfectionists? Oxymoron? Maybe. However, I think it describes what Im going through perfectly, or what I did go through. So in high school, mainly grade 12, I would get in the habit of doing a half assed job on projects, writing assignments and they like, but being disappointed when I didnt achieve a good mark. I got angry at every mistake I made. So this is where the perfectionist comes in. It would make me so full of despair and a sense of futility. Theres also the apathetic part of it though because I did nothing to change it. It would just be a vicious cycle of: 1) Get an assignment 2)Do not have the energy or motivation to do well 3) Get bad mark 4)Energy and motivation decrease. Repeat for the rest of my school career. By the end of school I just felt so drained, hopeless and frustrated. Then when the hustle of school finished and I no longer had a next assignment to say, “Ill try on the next one” It all kind of caught up to me on how badly I failed. Not literally failed but just not good enough to continue on or meet my own expectations of what I could have achieved. This is where I wonder if im part manic depressive type 2, or maybe its a symptom of depression, but just a sense of grandiosity and unrealistic expectations about my own abilities. So much ego and yet so…so….much sense of worthlessness at the same time. Or maybe they fluctuate within a day. Obviously neither are conducive to changing something. I think I have to take a moment though and acknowledge some of my teachers. These teachers engaged me. Motivated me. One teacher even didnt bother me about my attendance. He would never send me for a note. He tried to explain to me about loving oneself. One teacher would allow anyone who wanted the help to go over their essay and have her improve it. I mean its small things but they were opportunities that other teachers didnt afford students. I mean I remember one teacher in grade 11 pulling me aside and just telling me that I was burning my bridges. I mean thanks for the warning but wheres the helpful advice. Where was the effort in your teaching to engage and motivate your students. Whatever thats history. Least my depression helped me write an essay on it. Generally one of my best marks in English. I cant quite understand why depression cant be something that teaches us the nature of the universe. I mean sure it doesnt have to mean that suicide is acceptable, ive never been able to convince anyone of that, but how bout just the nature of human motivation. I mean when you have someone who is depressed there is almost no motivation. How superficial does that make motivation that people have seem. Its just chemicals in your brain persuading you, if you will, to act a certain way. Why does this not take out the elitism that is associated with “superior” ways to happiness. As far as I can see the happiness you get from drugs is the same as you get from family, friends and all that other good stuff. I mean sure drugs can have adverse effects, addiction-and everything that comes with that-, negative impact on health and tension in relationships. That seems though to assume an end goal of positivity however, and what about the meaning of life should be about happiness? That pretty much excludes every depressed person from having a purpose. Rather I think meaning is what ever gets you up in the morning. Meaning in life is just about surviving until you either die naturally or decide that thats not enough meaning for you. I personally live for my vices. Money, caffeine pills, smoking and unhealthy ways of losing weight. That isnt to say that I dont participate in positive things. I socialize and play sports. I eat generally healthy. Im kind to people. I just feel as a society we neglect negativity because… well im not sure why. Maybe you can tell me.
If smoking takes a minute off your life every time you smoke does that apply to suicide? So if you try to kill yourself will you really die minutes before you succeed? If only.
Topic of the…minute…hospital stays. Lots of stories about being in the hospital. Mostly met people just like me. Even was recommended to a group that was for people for more than one suicide attempt. Part of a study on the effectiveness of CBT I believe. Ended up being with two people I knew from my hospital stays. One was my neighbour on the ward and another was another person a few rooms down on the same ward. Also the second person was getting ECT at the same time I was. Anyhow most people I met were there because of suicide attempts but I met one guy who was voluntary because he was going through a manic phase. However, there was one person there who seemed to be cognitively impaired. Why they were in a short term hospital ward and not in a long term establishment im not sure. Not like they could cure that type of thing. Then one time I met someone who was taking a tour of hospitals, moving from hospital to hospital for the past few months. Then I also met my first schizophrenic person. Or at least that was what I assumed. She talked to herself a lot. Personally though ive been in the hospital four times I believe. Only once did I admit myself. So I guess it wasnt that many stories or that interesting, but I mean the lesson I took out of it is that hospital stays arent all bad. I mean I can only limit my experience to Canada. Oh and I had about 3 different diagnosis and like 7 different medications in four hospital visits so if you want to try different medications theres no where like a hospital. The thing that is frustrating though is that I am constantly determined to be too high functioning for long term treatment and yet the next week I could have a suicide attempt. I mean I have constant suicidal thoughts, but because im not manic or crying or to unmotivated to get out of bed and go to work/school I cant get the proper care. Luckily though my family has good medical coverage so im going to be going to a private health care facility for two months. Although I was determining that my progress would be made by more exposure to psychologist but I recently went to see a private one and she didnt offer any more advice then you have black and white thinking, trying CBT, and generally trying to change my thinking. I guess thats imperative to being better but can you not live non depressed and be an atheistic existentialist with some augmentation from pessimism.
So, since discussing methods is not allowed how bout discussing self destructive tendencies. I personally like to sleep deprive myself by abusing caffeine pills. I smoke tobacco and generally try anything to push my mood into a more depressed state. So first, sleep deprivation. Before I was on medication for my depression my sleep cycle was completely reversed. I would be awake during the night and sleep during the day. However, I was still in school so I often could not sleep during the day which meant no sleep at all for a day. Which I kinda enjoyed except for the fact that my marks tanked because I would often just sleep in class or be too exhausted to study/focus. So now I continue my long lost tradition usually staying up to 48 hours before 12 hours of sleep. Second portion of that, abusing caffeine pills. So recommended dosage is about 1 200 mg pill per 4-5 hours and 5 pills per 24 hour period. I use to take about 6-7 at a time. Really gives you an adrenaline rush, no where near fatal however, heart palpitations, some people experience anxiety. Anyway half life for caffeine on the conservative side is 6 hours so 7 pills is 1400 mgs. 1400 over the first 6 hours is 700 mgs left then next 6 hours is 350 then 175 then, well you get the picture. Assuming thats how half-life of caffeine stays in your system then it can take a long time before it wears off. Would also not recommend excersizing after taking caffeine pills. Almost passed out once just from standing up. Another reason I abuse caffeine pills is because they increase your metabolism but they also curb appetite. If you have ever taken anti-depressants or anti psychotics you know the effects they can have on your weight. So I see it as evening the playing field. Note: caffeine inhibits the bodies ability to absorb calcium so I also take vitamin D and drink more milk. Dont know how much of a difference it makes but not interested in arthritis especially since an auto immune counterpart, rheumatory arthritis, runs in the family. However, dont think drinking milk will solve that. So whats next…Smoking. Well I smoke cigars and pipe tobacco because they are a mild stimulant so they increase metabolism and curb appetite. Obviously they cause cancer also but I dont really care how I die. Sooner, later. Now, in 30 years. I mean preferably sooner than later but thats not really an option. Last one, trying to make myself depressed. Now this might be an odd one for some people as it seems everyone is determined to get back to their “old self” and be happy again. I have given that a year and a half, I believe. Ive tried seeing social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists. Found medication that makes most of the symptoms of depression go away, sans suicidal thoughts and actions. Found great counselling, where I could speak my mind and even go as far as saying I think constantly about killing myself and they dont call the cops or whatever happens after someone says something like that. Honestly though, its not that great being at the stage of being functioning but still suicidal. I want my mood to reflect my thoughts. I feel like a should be in crippling emotional pain but I just feel nothing. Which could obviously be a symptom of depression. So pushing myself further into depression might not make me feel more but make me feel less. Another thing with being more depressed though is that it makes you impulsive and desperate which is a deadly combination for a suicidal person. So what have I done to facilitate this shift to the negative. Well, I cut back my medication for a month. If anyone cares or is interested I am on 20 mg of cipralex and 10 mg of abilify. So I cut that back to 10 and 5 respectively which is still at a therapeutic dose for some. What else…things ive always wanted to try but am scared of becoming addicted to. Ritalin or Adderal. Cocaine or OxyCotin. Obviously the latter two are quite…deadly? Addictive? Illegal? All of the above? While the former two are tamer but I hear good things. Also, when I was in a psych ward, buddy next to me was abusing adderal and it put him into psychosis. Correct if I am wrong however. So its 12:33 and I took two caffeine pills and im setting in for a long night. I unfortunately do not have anyone to talk to at this time so I am going to just keep typing until I run out of ideas. This is genuinely why I like this site. Everyone can ramble on (dont mean that in negative way) and no one well look at them like they are crazy. Firstly, because they cant look at them crazily but also because I feel like people on here, even though we are here for different reasons, will understand better. Better than the general populace that is. Back to the topic of drugs, legal or otherwise, I think I am attracted to it because I mean the whole reason I am depressed is because of some chemical imbalance or inability on my part to be receptive to serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin or what have you. Understanding where happiness comes from and how…tangible it is? Really puts in focus the fact of how meaningless it is. I mean we evolved this way, with dopamine receptors, just so we could learn. Our bodies classically condition us. Do something good? Have a shot of dopamine. Drool like Pavlov’s dogs. I am going to create a second post so people dont have to read another long post if they want to comment on something on this one.
So how goes the day. I have recently been on holidays (May 28th to June something) and within the first two weeks of being back I was in the hospital twice. Once I admitted myself. Only stayed there for 71 hours and like 50 minutes(few minutes before my 72 hour hold was finished, and btw I went in voluntarily and they still put me on a form), the second time was a suicide attempt. I stuck my wrist into SUICIDAL EXPLICIT CONTENT. That time though I went in voluntarily and they didnt put me on a form. Odd indeed. Anyways only stayed there for about 4 days then I was released again. Its been a year since my last attempt before the most recent one. Ive been through all the therapy and pills. Still doesnt make a difference. For some people it does make a difference(so dont be discouraged from trying) but I mean, I dont really want to be happy. Anyhow I have noticed that before an attempt I goad myself into it. Usually it starts with planning for a future date and then it turns into well why not do it today. Then it turns into why not do it now. Then it ends up with me being in the hospital getting stitches or staples what ever the treatment of choice is. Well Ill stop here and keep it short so you people dont have to tire yourselves out.
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