Just wondering how many people out there are apathetic perfectionists? Oxymoron? Maybe. However, I think it describes what Im going through perfectly, or what I did go through. So in high school, mainly grade 12, I would get in the habit of doing a half assed job on projects, writing assignments and they like, but being disappointed when I didnt achieve a good mark. I got angry at every mistake I made. So this is where the perfectionist comes in. It would make me so full of despair and a sense of futility. Theres also the apathetic part of it though because I did nothing to change it. It would just be a vicious cycle of: 1) Get an assignment 2)Do not have the energy or motivation to do well 3) Get bad mark 4)Energy and motivation decrease. Repeat for the rest of my school career. By the end of school I just felt so drained, hopeless and frustrated. Then when the hustle of school finished and I no longer had a next assignment to say, “Ill try on the next one” It all kind of caught up to me on how badly I failed. Not literally failed but just not good enough to continue on or meet my own expectations of what I could have achieved. This is where I wonder if im part manic depressive type 2, or maybe its a symptom of depression, but just a sense of grandiosity and unrealistic expectations about my own abilities. So much ego and yet so…so….much sense of worthlessness at the same time. Or maybe they fluctuate within a day. Obviously neither are conducive to changing something. I think I have to take a moment though and acknowledge some of my teachers. These teachers engaged me. Motivated me. One teacher even didnt bother me about my attendance. He would never send me for a note. He tried to explain to me about loving oneself. One teacher would allow anyone who wanted the help to go over their essay and have her improve it. I mean its small things but they were opportunities that other teachers didnt afford students. I mean I remember one teacher in grade 11 pulling me aside and just telling me that I was burning my bridges. I mean thanks for the warning but wheres the helpful advice. Where was the effort in your teaching to engage and motivate your students. Whatever thats history. Least my depression helped me write an essay on it. Generally one of my best marks in English. I cant quite understand why depression cant be something that teaches us the nature of the universe. I mean sure it doesnt have to mean that suicide is acceptable, ive never been able to convince anyone of that, but how bout just the nature of human motivation. I mean when you have someone who is depressed there is almost no motivation. How superficial does that make motivation that people have seem. Its just chemicals in your brain persuading you, if you will, to act a certain way. Why does this not take out the elitism that is associated with “superior” ways to happiness. As far as I can see the happiness you get from drugs is the same as you get from family, friends and all that other good stuff. I mean sure drugs can have adverse effects, addiction-and everything that comes with that-, negative impact on health and tension in relationships. That seems though to assume an end goal of positivity however, and what about the meaning of life should be about happiness? That pretty much excludes every depressed person from having a purpose. Rather I think meaning is what ever gets you up in the morning. Meaning in life is just about surviving until you either die naturally or decide that thats not enough meaning for you. I personally live for my vices. Money, caffeine pills, smoking and unhealthy ways of losing weight. That isnt to say that I dont participate in positive things. I socialize and play sports. I eat generally healthy. Im kind to people. I just feel as a society we neglect negativity because… well im not sure why. Maybe you can tell me.