It has been just over 3 years now. Three long, empty and meaningless years, with questions, sleepless nights and tears.
I have always lived the average life until I got together with this girl, she was a piece of heaven. Back then I was 19 years and still a virgin. I never had a relationship before, I never even kissed a girl before. I always said to myself that I wanted to “save†everything for the girl of my dreams and now I had found her.
We were perfect together. We were each others better half. There are no word to describe how happy we were and how lucky I was to have her in my live. Untill…
She didn’t leave me nor did she cheat on me. I wish she did because that would mean she would be still alive. She died in a car accident, crushed between a bus and truck with failing brakes.
It took me a full day to realize that she really wasn’t there anymore. After a wonderful and fairytale like 2 year relationship there was nothing left but photo’s, memories and a big empty hole.
I had great support from family and friends but none of them could really help me. After a half year I even went to a psychologist, took medication, started to exercise more but nothing seemed to help. Two years after that fateful day I started getting worse. I was losing my grip of reality. Slowly I stop feeling emotions. Every day I get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, watch some bullshit on TV and go to bed. Every day is the same routine. Every day is so meaningless and dull, nothing excites nor interests me. Time drags me through life…
Death will come to us all one day. So why should I stick here around any longer..?
I have contemplated and planned suicide already a couple of times. And I think I’m ready to leave this world. I want to exit this world the same way I lost the girl of my dreams.
I will get in my car, disable the airbags and throw a couple of opened jerry cans, filled with gasoline, in the car. I have already found the perfect spot. A stretch of road 600 meters long with at the end a sharp turn with a couple of big trees. (If you’re wondering where the gasoline is for. I want to burn everything of myself so there is nothing left. Just like there was nothing left of my girl).
I don’t want it to look like an accident, so therefore I have written a suicide note to my family and friends. I will place it together with a couple of photo of me and my girl.
My family and friends know that I have suicidal thoughts, so me finally taking my own live shouldn’t be a surprise.
Three years ago I had more than I could ever had hoped for. I would give the rest of my live if I could be with her, even for just one day. But now there is nothing I want to live for.
I hope being death isn’t anything like being alive.  Goodbye.
11 comments
Your story shows how unfair life is. I know it probably won’t change a thing but I’m sure she’d want you to live and carry on with her memories and that beautiful story you both shared together. You sound like an amazing cry, I’m crying now.
I wish you peace.
Im sorry to hear about what happened to her man really I am. You actually descibed me up untill that point (yet to make it a year). Do you not think it would be an insult to her memory to kill yourself? I understand your view and would definatly do it if I lpst her but I bet you everything I have that killing yourself is the last thing she would want, she would want you to be happy man. But if you can’t handle it then I wish you god speed man, here if u need to talk
Like Procel says. She lives on through you :_|
You sound like a really good person with a lot to offer. Choose to go on living for her.
@Procel
Before I finally leave this world I’m willing to talk to someone. But what’s the point of trying anymore..? Things will never change. And even if my situation “gets betterâ€, she will be on my mind every day, from the moment I wake up until I go to bed.
A lot of people say I have to pick up myself and carry on. If I could I would but I simply can’t.
Mabye there is someone that can help you cope. Someone who can comfort you and show you ur not alone anymore. Right now you must feel as if your on your own, surrounded by people but like theres a glass wall between ye, mabye like your stuck underwater, detached from reality because she was your reality, you need someone to break that wall something to ground you.
Its good thats shes always on your mind, no ones saying to froget her and move on completely. You have to try and take comfort in her memory, in what she ment to you. Its always going to hurt and im not saying it wont but it would be easier to handle trying to live with her memory than dying in the jopes of mabye being reunited or whatever. Whats to say when we die thats all there is or reincarnation or whatever comes next, if you do kill yourselfs she dies too, you keep her alive in you, in your thoughts and actions theres a little bit thats her…
I know you’re just trying to help me. I know my mental state is not ok. And I want to be helped, that’s why I came here. Yet I already completed two different psychological sessions with no result. I also tried finding a new girl, with no avail. Every time I had a date (nothing special, no sex, just hanging out together, having fun, that’s what I pretend to have), I call that girl the next day and tell them it was fun but I can’t do it a secund time. I know it’s not the truth but it’s me excuse.
I can’t “replace†her.
I have put all of her clothes and every photo of her in boxes and placed it in the back of my closet. I have even thought about burning those boxes but I couldn’t.
You also started about reincarnation or being reunited in the afterlife. You have to know I’m a atheist. I know that when I kill myself there is nothing. When you’re dead, you’re dead, it’s that simple. But right now, death seems like perfection to me.
I want to thank you for spending some of your time trying to help me. I don’t think I will kill myself today, tomorrow or next week. Maybe next month. But I’m sure that within six months I will be gone. Maybe it’s a good idea I try to help some people myself before I leave.
well the mental state being fucked up is a give in when we meet in a suicide forum. So you admit its help and not suicide that you want, you would prefer to get better not to die? thats probably the most important part to focous on, you want to get better. There was, and i think still is, an old gal on here, been here before me and thats been long enough who had fuck all help from every single psychologist she ever had and she had loads, no meds workd propper, half the docs were morons, the other half didnt work for her but eventually she found one. one doc out of god knows how many that got the combo of drugs and the right talks to help her, and shes doing way better now, what im saying is theres always hope man, as long as we fight there is hope, hell even when we give up theres always some small bit of hope that we cant get rid of, personally thats why i think so many people cant bring themselves to commit suicide, they still have hope, not that they are scared or weak.
Well dating is a ****, the right people and the right curcumstances can be a nightmare, mabye you should force yourself not to cancel after the first date. pick a girl, then pick her up and dont allow yourself to cancell after one or more dates, even if she isnt right for you itll help you get back into things, make you more comfortable, then who knows what.
Mabye its time to donate the cloths or whatever to charity or something? give them a new home? theres no need to throw out the pictures and memrobelia untill your fully ready man, you have all the time in the world but you need to make a start or youll be like this forever, i kick myself for saying such a cleiche but time heals all wounds. yours are very deep, prehaps more time is needed, everyone grievs differently.
I would be an athiest, hell most of the time i am but i decided that life is bad enough without a heigher purpose, guess i have to believe in something just to give myself comfort. death being the very end is probable but man… that means you no longer exsist, you destroy someone so caring, the world needs more people like you, not less! you have all of my time that you want if you will take it man, i only wish it was more valuable and could help somehow. just know man i aint giving up on you, i dont care if your minds set im going to try my best. and six months could be enough for someone else to make the break through that you need. sorry for the long reply, i finnaly got on computer instead of phone and tend to over write sometimes. would you tell us about her? if its not increadibly nosey of me, sometimes that can help.
It took me some time, effort and courage to put down some words again because a part of me was telling me not to bother other people with the stupid problem I have.
I’m an adult male that cried for three hours over some shit he posted on the internet. A lot of old memories. I regret posting my story in the first place.
I have to admit that there is indeed this miniscule, tiny and nearly insignificant little bit of hope that keeps me here on earth. Yet the thought of killing myself is always there and absolutely dominant all the time. Maybe it’s “knowing” that I can always kill myself.
And that dating thing. I tried it a handful of time and I have put an end to it. It hurts to much. I guess I will be like swans, when there partner dies, they never search for a new one.
I don’t see the point in describing her but I can tell you how we met. It’s kind of unique way.
We were both at a festival and she worked as a bartender. I was going to get some drinks for myself and some friends.
When I was walking back to my friends I noticed that there was written something on one of the beer mats (that’s what they are called in English, I think). What she had written on it roughly translates to: “The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name. Give me yours and your next drink will be free”. I thought it was just a joke but after about 20 minutes I went back. We had a little chat and because her shift was nearly done, she joined me and my friends for the rest of the festival. So that’s how our relation started.
These couple of minutes writing about her actually made me smile and feel warm from the inside. But I know, and it happens every time, the next couple of days I will feel like shit again for being happy without her. The cycle has repeated itself again.
I’m so sorry for your loss and your pain, I understand how you feel. I had a boyfriend who I loved so much we were together for about a year and a half and then one day I woke up and found out that he was dead. It makes you hollow life just doesn’t seem right . I commend you for at least going out with girls again but you shouldn’t just give up hopes for future relationships you are not replacing her though I know it feels like it at first but when you meet a new person you almost don’t believe that you are feeling joy again, it took me so long to process this that I missed out on allot of stuff in my life. You will never forget her even when you find someone , she’ll be with you always. Not trying to be preachy but I believe when we leave this world we go to another and I’m sure that she is watching you and she wants you to be happy. I’m not gonna lie it’s hard as hell to get through something like this lots of days it will be a struggle but you can do it. Always here to talk 🙂
I see this post because I looked you up after reading your most recent. I’ve read all of your posts, but I feel like this is the most important one. This is so beautiful that I’m crying like a freaking baby. I see how much you loved this girl and I can tell you what it’s like to have lost, but clearly, you know. I also know what it’s like to have attempted suicide, and I want you to know that I’m trying to help. I’d like to know you, to find you, to have dinner with you, and make sure you’re safe. If I were her, I’d never want you to do anything to ever hurt yourself. Okay? I’m speaking from the depths of my heart. I want you to be okay. I want you to do well, I want you to finish your book, and I want you to remember that there are other people who will love you. I’m not going to tell you that you’ll move on, but I will tell you that you can love others. I know you may not want to, because I never did. But I want you to live just a little while longer. Leave me your book and let me know you before you go. Let me see if I can’t convince you. I’ve held the knife to my skin and the pills under my tongue. Let me see if I can’t help. Even a little bit.
I hope you’re okay, wherever you are.