ennui

Every time I see a kid walking down the road with his mother or father or a grandparent, I get this weird pang in my stomach. I feel sad, like dead puppies in the ditch sad. I can just tell myself that its just some depression thing and move on but it just keeps coming back. Every time I pass a poor family sitting outside around a fire waiting for dinner, waiting for the night to end, every time I see a housewife standing on the porch looking and waiting for ways to kill time, every time I think of a paper pusher in an office alone on the desk waiting for a chance to get to the water cooler, every time I reason out that it is my work, my ability to work, to create systems(read science, computers, business), that keeps me and my kind(who create who progress(?)) separate from the rest of them, the baby pushers, just waiting and procrastinating their death. But its all a fucking lie, my progress and my systems is my crutch isn’t it. All just another level of control. Survival survives after all.
The pangs are getting worse. Nausea comes to mind. Can’t say I can relate to Sartre. Have to finish reading that book one these days, even if I think its all artistic sophism. Just like everything else.
Was reading an article by Osho, on the redundancy of the family unit, and how we need to be individuals to progress. If an Individual can be viewed as a family of ideas…
I don’t think I’m going to last long. The depression is really getting to me.
I wish someone could help…
If pills make you stupid but pro-life, do they represent weakness or strength?