It’s my first post here so i will just write something that i’ve felt.
I was a quiet kid and really shy one. Could not open my mouth to say things out and sticked to my mom’s side as she was near. As the time passed and i got older things started to slowly change and i became more confident so i could at least say a word.
This is not what the story is about but the thing is that i will never say a thing loud about what and why i feel. Not that long ago(maybe 2 years) i had my first real thoughts of suicide, actually it is hrad to say why because now a lot of things have changed. I could not really sleep well then, and when i couldn’t sleep then i thought a lot-what and why, and when, and after what. I stopped talking to my family and spent the days out of the house-somewhere nearby the lake as it made me feel a bit better. My family members were so angry on me because of the non-speaking thing. It made me even more upset, but did not say anything and did not show my feelings. If i cried then just when non could see and hear. All the time when someone told me about that i am annoying with my no-talking thing and other things i do, it played back in my mind for countless times. And my sister back then was just giving on me even for the smallest thing. I did or did not do a thing-whatever, it was all the same. At that time the only person knowing about my thoughts and feelings left me(ok, i left that one but because i had a good reason and what that person did was not a good thing).
Now i am this far and i still can feel lonely and empty all inside, but now it has a different level. I will feel the emptyness really strong only when the fear of staying alone will arise. I am always afraid that something would happen to my family nd they leave me all alone(I meant in the way of the death, but it is because when i was a kid i had this logical chain where people ‘go’ as the right comes)
I guess for now that was it, sorry for taking your time for this not that much of the sense thing, but writing is the thing that really helps.
Thanks and sorry again.
2 comments
Writing helps me, too. It helps me to get stuff out of my system. Knowing nobody here personally also helps. SP is a pretty good place when you need to let some thoughts and ideas out.
Please don’t apologize. There is nothing wrong with what you’re doing.
Thanks for that,
yea during that time writing was the only thing that kept me away from what people say “doing stupid”, so i was writing a lot then. After a while things got wrong again and then writing did not help that much.
Usually i would say to people that they should not be sorry about things so much, guess it’s my turn now to listen.