Fuck me
I wake up everyday disappointed that I have woken up. I want to be done with life.
I’m worthless. I’m insignificant. Im not good at anything. Actually, I am pretty good at being worthless. Completely and utterly worthless. I wish I would wake up from this horrid dream, but sadly this is reality. The saddest part is I do it to myself (partially true). There’s no stopping me. I will continue to fuck myself over until everyone hates me. If I just off’d myself today I might be happier, my dad would be happier IMO. I’d no longer be bound to the terrestrial plane. Free from life. Â
LET ME DIE PLEASE. I haven’t enjoyed life for years. I don’t do anything. I don’t want to do anything. I hate the first person POV. Just…stop. Turn my switch off. End it. The end. Im done. I give up.Â
But I’m too big of a ***** to kill myself, or maybe a part of me still clings to life… Hoping one day I will feel…good?
Just discovered suicide project… I’ve been writing notes in my phone for a few years now and this is one of my entries from months ago I think.
This is how I feel everyday.
5 comments
Why do you feel so worthless? There’s no quality than can render a person invaluable aside from being a complete bag of dicks. Do you think you lack accomplishments? Have insufficient talents? No good qualities? What’s up?
Clearly you’re able to convey emotions strongly through writing and can express yourself, so you’ve already got yourself one good quality.
Whenever I do something I am told i do it incorrectly, this is how it’s been for years. I didnt do it “right”…one recent example: I was helping my father with some tiling, and he wanted me to wipe the tile off, so I’m cleaning it with a rag, BUT I wasn’t going in the direction he said. Left to right.. Not right to left. Whatever. And he said, “Go back to what you’re good at…Nothing”
Additionally, I’m not particularly good at anything.
The first step to being good at something is being bad at it. You’re over magnifying that one incident, just because you slip up a few times does not mean you’re going to slip up every time and all the time, obviously that’s not logical, is that? Allow yourself to make mistakes, that’s how you learn. By punishing yourself every time you do something incorrectly you deter yourself from trying it again, which will keep you from making yourself better at it.
You’re too hard on yourself, are you sure it’s been ‘years’? I don’t think it’s possible that you could have failed at everything you’ve done for years, you’re either not validating the things you have done correctly or ignoring them because it clashes with your firm belief that you’re incapable of doing anything right. You gotta allow yourself to make mistakes and to also feel the satisfaction of accomplishments – it could be anything. From making someone feel good to writing something you’re proud of to doing the simple things like laundry, setting up the dinner table and especially about not giving yourself a hard time for a whole day, that’s a really big accomplishment. Pay attention to the things you DO do well and right, instead of all the negative.
Hang in there 🙂
Yes it has been years. I’ve also been depressed since the 7th grade and I am now 20. You are most likely right about not validating things I do right. But I don’t think setting the table right, doing laundry, etc are things to be proud of accomplishing.I do allow for mistakes, I know people make mistakes… It’s only natural. maybe I am amplifying that one incident, but after years of being reminded i am a disappointment (ever since 7th grade) it’s just 2nd nature to discard all the good things I do and focus on the negative…
I am hanging in there barely… Like I said at the end of the OP, I’m too big of a scaredy to try anything… A dastard after all is a coward.
I’m 20 as well, I’m not saying that you should base your pride on actions as unimpressive as setting the table, but I’m saying that you are capable of doing things right and by recognizing the little things it shows you are.
Have you looked into CBT? Cognitive Behavior Therapy? I feel like it could help you a lot, since the main thing that’s put you in this position and mindset are distorted thought patterns. Look into it a little, it’s been shown to be very effective.
Being too ‘scared’ to commit suicide is definitely not something to be ashamed of. You stated in your post that you do have some hope (even though it’s small) that something good might happen, and that’s a pretty rational thought, things can’t and won’t always be this way, especially if you put in some effort to change the way you think about yourself.
You’re not a coward, not committing suicide is a rational decision 🙂