The first time I felt totally hollow, I was 14 and I’ve been chased by that feeling for 25 years. I now wake up every morning in mental agony. I’ve tried therapy, medications, prayer, meditation, 12-step groups, healthy diets, supplements.
It feels like I’m drowning in quicksand as my failures (career, personal) have mounted while I’ve spent time lost to this (so many days I couldn’t get out of bed, or could get out of bed but didn’t leave the house, or left the house but it didn’t matter).
Whatever promise I had is gone. There’s no friends, no family, it’s been 7 years since I had a lover.
Everything is grey now, literally, like my senses have been dulled – there’s no warmth, nothing excites or engages, it’s all just bleak – a reminder or an insult that my life is joyless. None of the old distractions work or provide any relief. I have a hard time thinking – the depression is just too overwhelming. I’ve let everything go again – bills, chores, teeth, body. It’s been like that for 9 months and the medication (and the replacement medications) no longer help.
I just don’t care – when I reach inside, I get nothing. Even this post feels pointless and stupid.
Why can’t I end it? I think about it non-stop. I just don’t want to wake up another day like this.
7 comments
wow..Brandenburg. I feel you…so so strongly. There was this previous post about how this guy felt like he was a zombie nothing a nothing zombie. I was so shocked by that entry coz i thought he was actually in my head and speaking what constantly circulates in my head all day.
i empathize with you completely. thoughts of ending it are on my mind everyday- like how i would get hit by a car or a bus or something or rather.
i dont want to feel this hopeless. i just started taking anti depressants, literally today- and i hope it’l help somewhat. the thing is…i just cant fac e myself. i feel like such a failure and thas why i want to end it. the road to recovery is just too long and painful…and i fear ive given up on myself already.
some people tell me to do communtiy service- like go to this thing called ywam- a Christian community…i like it, only for the pure fact taht its complete isolation from my world as i know it.
i wish i genuinely meant “hold on, hang in there” when i say it to you…but to be honest…i empathize with you. just the patheticness of suicide and the hurt it will cause my family is something i cant deal with right now.
lemme know if ud like to email- misery needs company and im tired of pretending to be positive bedford424@gmail.com
lemme know if ud like to email- we can be positive or negative together: bedford424@gmail.com
I have to admit that though I feel I can relate with some of what you said,.yet I’m sure I would never able to understand and relate totally/completely,.because I’m not you.
Story of failing and failures is always hard, really hard..cuz nobody like to fail right?
But, if you were to honestly put in bigger perspective,.how many people/individuals on this whole wide world/Planet can be counted as ‘really successful’ ones?…it’s terribly very few if I have to say..so first, know that chances are most probably you are not all alone in facing this. Many do. And many also choose to hold on, for many & various reasons.
Everybody struggles.
Then secondly, even those ‘really successful’ ones doesn’t mean that their life always went smoothly. In fact, there were so many failure stories themselves before, if you’ve carefully read their life biographies.
It teaches both you and me and everyone here one thing:
Failure is a part of Life. Accept it, and learn from it.
Third and lastly, everybody struggles in this world, but you certainly don’t have to be the Top ‘really successful’ ones ladder. There’s no fixed rule saying that. In fact, it’s usually just putting much unrealistic burden onto your shoulder.
I forgot who said this quote exactly,.but it’s beautiful & inspiring: he said that even if you can’t become the tallest, most beautiful tree, then just be a beautiful bushes on the side of the street. Because It would already be much better than if there were no beauty of the bushes there.
So..try to take it one step at a time and slowly but sure,
There’s always hope when you’re still living,
but no more hope once you’re dead.
I actually just commented in also one very encouraging posts
a while ago,.you might perhaps also want to read it for more support and encouragement.
You are not alone..we’re all in here together, just so u know.
We can support each other,.to keep going through this life.
Please don’t give up just yet.
Im 14 and feel all what you’ve said…..
hi mate. although I’m not physically there, I wish I could give you a hug. Depression affects so many people including me.
Now that I’m 31, I realized what I want to do. To open a music jamming studio. I love not having to stay in an apartment, having no neighbors. Love having musicians come to jam in my studio. I’ve “forgotten” that I have this love for everything audio.
Find out what you would love to do
@brandenburg. Wow, I could have written this myself, word for word. I’m in the exact same position as you, literally. I can feel the pain coming through your post in waves. I’m male, about your age or a little bit older. If you’d like to chat hit me up at inhighspeed at comcast dot net.