I just don’t know anymore. I want to feel happy, and enjoy my life for what it is, but no matter how hard I try, it never works that way. No matter what I do, I never feel content or satisfied with how I do. Even everything I used to love to do is now becoming frustrating for me.
I’m trying to find the light, trying to see how it could get better, but it just seems like it has all been going downhill for quite some time, now. From the moment I wake up, I regret getting out of bed and carrying on with my day. Nothing I do brings satisfaction anymore. It seems that almost no one cares about what I do, or that I’m becoming less cheerful. All I want is for someone to care, to realize that I’m not okay. It’s getting harder and harder to carry all of this suffering with no way to relieve it.
I’ve given up on all of my hopes and aspirations. As much as I wish to try to realize them, it feels like I’m never getting any closer to them. Three years ago, there was so much that I wanted to do, and I tried my hardest to become the person I wanted to be. Now, all I want to be is dead. I feel like I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place, and it won’t get better until I exit this life.
I’ve tried to become the ideal person. I keep steady grades year round and try to be friendly with everyone. However, I’ve realized just how little I meant to everyone else. I would always hear stories of how everyone was always having a good time with someone else and would wonder why stuff like this never happened to me. Now I know that I’m just not as important as everyone else. I’m the one who is never invited to the parties, or called to hang put. It’s clear that to them, “friend” is just the label they stuck on me because they don’t see anything wrong with me. Being their “friend” means nothing more than being acknowledged to exist.
I am becoming less compelled to try in life as each day passes. I just feel like I am going to sit and waste away until I day. The sad part about this is that no one will care what happens to me. No one is willing to take time out of their day to ask me how mine is. All they see is a guy in their class who does well, acts normal, socializes, and goes home. That’s all I am to them, and they don’t notice when I’m in a slump or know how bad I feel because none of them have ever sincerely asked.
It’s getting harder. Family just treat me like I’m family, but they don’t take time to actually get to know me. And although they say they care, they still don’t take time to actually do so. They may not show true affection, but I still love them. I love them because they are the closest people to me, and I am slowly losing the ability to love myself. I want to die, and I want to kill myself, but I don’t want the people closest to me to have to suffer for my actions. If I would kill myself, everyone would be “shocked”. No one would believe that I would ever do such a thing, and they would all be “devastated”, even my “friends”. And it’s true, they would be shocked and devastated, but only because none of them truly know how I really feel. They only know how I pretend to be.
I am looking for a way to exit my depression and find happiness again, like when I was younger. I want to feel emotion and I want to feel like I truly matter. I’m scared that no one will ever accept me, real or fake, or that nothing will change. I want to show everyone who I really am, but I’m not quite sure how to do it.
2 comments
Hmm… feel better? Honestly, do you really know who you are, you want to show people who you are, but you just can’t? Could it be you really know yourself at all? Your discontent with life and the goings on in life has left you frazzled. You should just let go of all self proclaimed limitations and let what happen, happen. Don’t force an outcome, don’t force a label, and don’t force peoples apathy.
You’ll never be happy because you’re looking for outside approval. Go inward.
“You’ll never be happy because you’re looking for outside approval. Go inward.”
It’s not as black&white as this.
If human beings were typically content with being completely alone, loneliness wouldn’t be so common.
The real problem is that we actually /do/ require external approval, in order to truly be “happy,” but we have to be careful whose approval we choose to validate.
I only care about approval from people whose minds are compatible. If they form their conclusions incorrectly, or based on criteria i deem invalid, then their judgment is of little value to me.
However, one must go inward, to discover the true nature of themselves, so they can determine which values are legitimate, and how to identify others who value you in the ways you value yourself, or in ways you find valuable.
Some people are the exception to this, and will find themselves content, even preferring to be alone. Usually, though, humans need to feel valued by other humans whose values are similar to their own. If the people you like, don’t like you back, it can feel pretty terrible. If you value the judgement of a person, who then judges you to be inferior, insufficient, or simply unappealing… then it’s like a mirror, showing you everything you dislike about yourself, some of which you might not be able to change. We all wish people would forgive us our differences, our flaws, our trespasses… but that’s not always feasible or desirable for the other.