On Sunday, I intend on visiting a friend at a state mental health facility that I was hospitalized at. Afterwards, I plan on lying to my parents about my whereabouts, driving somewhere secluded, and ending my life with a fatal overdose of multiple medications. I bought a TracFone today, so my call couldn’t be traced when I called a specific nurse at the hospital to inform her that I was dying.
I tried talking to people, and everyone minimizes the situation, including the person that I intend to call. I want everyone to know that I’m not playing their bullshit games. I was sexually abused as a child for 3 years. My parents blamed me. My parents moved my sisters and I around constantly, and, in fact, they plan on moving again. They only care about me when I’m dying or if they want something. My sisters are so wrapped up in their lives that they don’t even notice me. Both younger (I’m 21 for a reference), one is a mother of two, and the other is wrapped up in boys.  My parents told me that, when I go down, to make damn sure that I don’t think that I need to go back.
I have no friends. I told someone that I liked them, and they turned me down. That is the only person that I have ever had true feelings for. I attempted to attend college. but that was impossible with the level of stress that I was feeling at the time. Now, when I even say the words college or job, I am discouraged by everyone I know. I am on SSD and SSI, and I don’t like it. Why? Because it’s free money that I never worked for. There are people from the armed forces that come from overseas with arms or legs blown off who don’t see a dime of social security, but I can get it for a mental disability? My father told my sister’s probation officer that he used to push that his children attend college, but, after my oldest daughter (that’s me) had a breakdown resulting in multiple hospitalizations, I stopped pushing. He even recommended that my sister drop out of high school and get her GED (luckily, my mother was against that). My sister with the two children was discouraged from getting a part-time job because she was in college and raising children. I am against this, especially knowing there are people who do juggle this, like my cousin (except my cousin has one kid, a full-time job, and part-time college). I just don’t understand why my parents can’t allow us to make our own decisions (at least me and my sister with children, since we are both over 18). They see us as incompetent, especially me. To them, I am labeled disabled for the rest of my life. I’ve tried volunteering. That’s not enough for me. If you were wondering, I volunteer at my local fire department.
I attempt to get through the day, but, right now, my days are numbered with only five days left. I have attempted suicide in the past but I was always unsuccessful, another thing to add to my failure list. But, I have a feeling that by giving my parents the wrong place and maybe calling briefly from a prepaid cell phone that cannot be traced, my chances are likely, and, if I’m found alive, I will just keep planning the next time.
Sorry for the long *****-fest.
14 comments
It wasn’t a *****-fest. I hope you’ll hang on here in the next few days.
The abuse must have been awful 🙁 How old were you when it happened?
Minimizing the pain of victims are one of the biggest sins of this fucked up society. You’d need to get a lot of approval and listening to be able to get over it. Victim blaming is the most disgusting thing that ever existed. That’s why it’s always the innocent people who feel suicidal, and the abuser doesn’t have to take the responsibility.
It’s great that you don’t play their bullshit games. That’s what makes you a valuable person.
The abuse occurred from age 9 to 12 by my dad’s half brother.
:c the pills will cause organ damage but not death unless you havea certain kind of medication on you. Any anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, or the like (tylenol, advil) will result in waking up in a hospital. Although if they don’t find you while you overdose then you could die or just wake up throwing up a lot and with your insides going crazy. I’m not an expert on suicide, just another noob, only ive know a fair amout who tried to overdose this way. Hope i helped!
Actually, the medications I intend on overdosing on are some of what I overdosed on in the past. I was supposed to die on the one; instead, I was in a coma for two days. I hope mixing the medications will give me better luck.
You were very small 🙁
Was he an adult that time?
I don’t understand how your parents can blame you…
He was 13 when it started. My parents blame me because I didn’t tell them after the first time. They also yell at me for watching Law and Order SVU. That show helps me deal with it because it tells me that I’m not alone. What are you supposed to do when your parents refuse to put you into counseling or talk to you about it when you already held it in six years after it started?
Yes, you are right a support group would help you a lot. People who you share the same experience with. That’s absolutely reasonable you want to see that show. Nobody wants to feel alone with their problem.
I can understand why you didn’t tell them. They seem to be delusional people who live in denial. Have you ever asked them what they would have done if you were told them at the first time?
They would have taken me to report him, just like they did after I told them. Except they would have made sure to humiliate me even more by forcing me to go to court. I was humiliated enough by tell the police and then a detective (ALL MALE!). He admitted it, but the DA wouldn’t prosecute because it had been too long.
Don’t give up just yet, if you need to talk I’m here
Those male detectives must have been very scary… “Law” can be so stupid! Criminals like him should be hold accountable for a lifetime, especially when they admit. This kind of “law” has nothing to do with justice.
Who’s your friend you want to visit before you go? Can’t she/he help you some way?
She is a patient at a state mental facility. I doubt she can help considering that she’s has a developmental disability (I think it’s autism with mental retardation).
I think I’m moving the date up to Saturday. I’m back to doing nothing all day because I don’t like volunteering with my local fire department. So, I guess I will see my friend Saturday (4 more days— it’s SO hard!
Pills always don’t do the trick…. Best bet I would say is a GUN!!!
The problem with that is it take 72 hours and you can’t get one with a history of mental illness. And, my parents’ guns are locked because of my numerous previous suicide attempts.