Desperate to find happiness

This is hard for me to write. I can’t see through the blurriness vision caused from the built up tears in my eyes. I feel so alone. I’m losing my grip. Each day I ask myself, “Why am I still here?” And each day, I have no answer. I sit here alone wondering what life would be like if I were to just disappear. Just leave from my current school to a different place I never heard of or even imagine. I don’t imply on taking my life, though I thought about it before many times. I just need guidance. I need someone to reach out their hand to me and pull me out from my sorrow and take me to a better place. I’m desperate for a real smile to shoot across my face. I want to feel happy, I want to look happy, I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? I hide my true intentions and thoughts to myself. On the outside, I’m just some “happy” girl. Wrong. I have no care for the world. Wrong. Someone else’s happiness is way more important than mine. You see what my problem is? I put everyone ahead of me. Because I’m too worthless to even be before any one. That’s what I am. I’m shit. And I always will be.