lets get even.

I know that I will always feel alone in this place. Just an odd number, either nuts or an embarrassment or someone to bullshit for an easy distraction. I want to curl up under my heated blanket, pull out my only true friends ( books) and for one minute forget that I am so alone in this monotonous, bullshit, cruel fucking world. I have completely given up on believing in a loving and powerful deity. I can’t believe it, but its true. 27 years of believing in religion and purpose and fate and love and everything falling into place just as it should, only to spend the last four years having pain slowly chip away at any sense of belief in anything or anyone  being aware of my existence or having the power in any way to stop this suffering.  Its nights like tonight that I miss her so much. It’s nights like tonight that I want to join her. My fingers dance around the metal, press it to my face….one small choice, in less than one minute I could stop this. I could make this end. The exit button is there. The safe word. The only Savior in this fucking hell hole. Loaded and waiting. waiting for me to raise it up and finally give it the power to set me free.