I no longer know what to do. Every morning I put a big fat smile on and at school make alot of jokes to try to feel good, but I don’t. I have so much to live for, but I feel like I don’t. Now depression envelops me like a cold blanket that will never come off. It’s now to the point that I can no longer live. My head says that this is just stupid but my heart tells me to just give up. I have no friends, never did. And although I’m a good-looking 15 year-old teen, I have no one but myself. Man I hate myself. You have to work hard to live but what if you don’t want to live?
I’m an actor and director, two things I hate about myself. I used to love dramatic arts but now I use it as a tool to separate myself from people. Every day I smile and laugh as if everything is okay, but as soon as I turn a corner at school, I hide behind a locker and cry a little. I always keep myself busy any way I can to avoid my thoughts, but lately I find myself thinking nothing else but suicide. I want help. I want to end it. I dont know how many notes ive written in class asking for help only for me to throw it out, telling myself to keep my depression a secret. Once I wrote in big fat letters “help me!” with pictures of tears and blood on my math homework only to get yelled at by the teacher who was angry that I “made cartoons instead of doing my homework”. Â Why can’t people see I’m hurting!!! They say I’m just tired but I’m not! I just wish someone would rip off my fake smile and see what is really going on inside me.
I don’t know what to do. I tried everything to try and make myself happy. But now I just want to hurt myself. Instead of cutting my arms, I cut my hands deep so that every time I would use them, I would remember my pain inside. I tried to kill myself two years ago but ended up in the hospital for a long time. My mother acted as if I was just seeking attention. But now I really can’t take life anymore, and I can’t end up in the hospital again. I need to end up dead. I already made plans and I’m giving myself till the end of next week to finally die, if my life continues this way. I know no one will miss me, except maybe my mom and my favorite teacher. I no longer know what to do. As much as I want to end it all, is it the right choice? I’m in so much much pain, I no longer know how I can live…
6 comments
Do you have anyone to talk to? Maybe try therapy or meds could help you?
How old are you, How’d you try to kill yourself?
Oh sorry forgot you already said your 15 whoops!
Hey whilst…I’m a performer, sang with a professional Opera Co, for years.
I get where you’re at…you say you want help…if you truly do, I would be honoured to listen and help steer you in a better direction. 15 is far too young to die.
There are reasons you feel as you do…you just need to be made aware of them and you will be able to remove your mask yourself. It’s not your fault and easily addressed with a little time and patience. Be well. Cheers!
Hey whilst…I’m a performer, sang with a professional Opera Co, for years.
I get where you’re at…you say you want help…if you truly do, I would be honoured to listen and help steer you in a better direction. 15 is far too young to die. clnrch7@yahoo.ca
There are reasons you feel as you do…you just need to be made aware of them and you will be able to remove your mask yourself. It’s not your fault and easily addressed with a little time and patience. Be well. Cheers!
Problem is that when I tried to kill myself 2 years ago, I was hospitalized for a month or so and oddly enough I felt worse in there than I did at my awful school. I don’t want professional therapy, I’m afraid it’ll lead me to my same bad experience 2 years ago. I want it all to end, not to live through more pain.
I can empathize with you… when I was 15 I wanted to end it all. And one thing I know now that I didn’t back then was that lots of people go through the exact same thing at that age. And having gone through it, and hearing from other people what I’m telling you now, means I know how patronizing this must sound…
But anyway from reading your post, I can tell a few things. I can tell that you would rather be helped, you don’t WANT to die, and would rather have a happy life, if that’s a possibility for you. (Personally I believe it is)
But you put up barriers to stop yourself from getting help. That’s probably the first thing you need to address. Thankfully, it’s pretty easy! And once you’ve done that, you’ll probably find things start to fall into place.
One thing you have on your side is time – we all do. There’s always plenty of it… if you can’t see a time when you’ll feel happy, that’s just down to not being able to see the future! What I’m saying is that you need to give life a chance, you might not be happy now but if you end it all, you’ll never be happy. Be patient.
Find someone who you can share your feelings with and help you through things. Don’t give up if the people you go to don’t seem to care at first – with enough time they’ll understand, and if not, find someone else! The key is that solving problems alone is tough, but doing it with someone else, piece of cake.
Please don’t cut yourself. While you think you should be reminded of the pain now, future (happy) you might want to forget, and if you scar yourself, you’re not giving future-you that option.