After being home for a week, I had to go back to school today.
It was such an extremely long day, every hour was like an eternity. I was so tired I almost fell alseep during French, I was really fighting to stay awake. I also saw my friends back for the first time in a week. My best ones are together in another class and I’m stuck with two girls who will, from time to time, say they love me or send me a text, but nothing more. They don’t talk alot to me in class or during the day, they always wait for eachother, yet not for me. I just feel really lonely when I’m with them, since I don’t know most of the other people in my class. I only have them and they don’t really pay attention to me.
Since the beginning of the year, I have been feeling lonely.
The kinda new thing is that now, I also feel lonely as hell when I’m with my best friends. I only get to spend time with them during the breaks, if I even find them. I just have to walk around alone, hoping I’ll see them. And as for feeling lonely around them, it’s all about the little things. It’s not like they ignore me or don’t talk to me, or they bully me. Not in the slitest. It’s just small things, they may not even notice, that make me feel so lonely around them. How they don’t wanna go with me to the teacher’s office because “it’s so far”, or how I feel like I walk ‘behind’ them instead of next to them. How, when I don’t say much, they don’t even try to say anything to me, they’ll talk to each other instead. How I ask them to wait, and they don’t ever do that anymore. How they talk about funny jokes or stories that happend in class, without explaining them to me. Even when they know I’m not in their class anymore so I have no clue what they’re talking about.
It’s all about the small things, they make me realise how lonely I really am.
And as if having to go to school and doing homework every single day, paying attention in class, dealing with the loss of my brother and staying alive isn’t hard enough, I now have to deal with this feeling of such loneliness amongst classmates, friends and best friends. And the loneliness tires me, more than I already was.
I don’t know what to do.
2 comments
I went through the same thing with my “friends” all throughout middle school and high school. I wish I hadn’t wasted so long on people who didn’t give a shit about me so I’m going to tell you that I think you need to let these people go. You deserve better and sometimes people are too shallow to care what others needs are. We find someone who is directly compatible with ourself and that’s our “best friend” and then we act like we don’t need anyone else. These people are not worth your time. Of course, if you’re spending minute telling friends how much pain you’re in they’ll get frustrated and confused and not know what to do so they’ll push you away (happened to me also), but find new friends who you can confide in on your worst days and will help keep you strong on your better days. If any of that even makes sense.
I realize you’re going through a hard time so I’ll keep this brief. I too went through similar feelings of extreme lonesomeness through high school & college as well. Over time I sort of found things to do on my own. And even when it came to group projects, I was always on my own. Why? Not because I felt lonely, but because that is how I enjoyed doing my shit. That’s just how & who I am. So, I hope you do overcome these obstacles and find your own path. Stay strong. Look for activities that you are passionate about. Start with appreciating yourself. You do you!