I decided to leave my apartment today and go downtown. Horrible idea, I just about had a breakdown on the metro. I saw a teenage girl and her mom and sister and it made me break inside a little bit, because more than anything that’s what I want. More than anything I’d want to be able to get hot chocolate with my mom and idly look around at clothes and laugh together. Honestly that’s what I want more than anything.
Too bad that’s impossible since she decided to kill herself before I had even turned five.
I feel like a heap of ugly trash that no one wants.
5 comments
You’re not trash. You may feel lumpy and uneven from cramming down years of tears down your throat and deeply surpressed memories. But, for me personally, yes, I want that ideal family to. But, my family is not ideal. If I went out shopping with my sister I would not get that happy moment. Looks are deceiving. You just glanced at a minutes worth of “good quality” time. They could have got home and changed rapidly.
You can create your own “foster” family.
Thank you for the kind words (:
Honestly though I’d rather have an illusion than nothing.
The sad part is that I’ve completely ruled out the possibility of having kids. I honestly think I’m too scared of doing to them what my mother did to me.
Aww…
If you were to be a mother, what kind of mother would you want to be?
I don’t want kids.
You’re very welcome.
Hey, I completely understand. I’ve been disillusioned numerous times all for the beauty of the illusion before me.
You’re fear is very real and valid, but the fact that you care enough about a life that has yet to be created to not want to do the same things that was done to you speaks volumes about who you are as a person. I’m not so sure your mother (god bless her or damn her) ever thought the same sentiments about you/for you.