I hate being human. its the moment to moment thing that disgusts me most. i can live my life like an idea, with an idea, i can live like the way i want to, but… that would be a lie. i know it too well. at that very moment i know who i am – a human. i know all my hollowness. its just a chaos, there is no order, no system, no continuity.
its disgusting, so much disgusting. i spit. i spit many times. i walk to and fro. i hit my head against wall. it doesn’t go away. it cannot go away. how can it go away, its the reality, MY REALITY, its the truth. and i am a lover of truth. i am attached to truth. i cannot forget myself into movie or any other distraction because i am fucking attached to truth. how can i push it away. i cannot break this one principle, its not my lot. you know why it disgust me? because i know what will come after. i know the life i will live minutes later. i know how the veil of delusion will spread in my mind, the network of thought will catch up again and construct the same world again. i know i will live the lie again. and i know I will live the lie again and believe the same lies i believe everyday. i will go into same fears, same hatred, same struggle, same responsibilities…and i will believe all that again and i will live all that again. and i don’t want to go into it again and i know the moment a person interact with me i will go back into it again and i don’t wanna go. i don’t wanna live the same fucking lies again and again, every day, every moment. and i cannot stay. i know i cannot stay. how long can i? its only a matter of someone talking to me and i will be gone again. its not my lot to stay. i don’t have that much will. i submit to it. i am not a multitasker. i cannot live on my own and still be able to interact. i cannot compromise – because i am a fucking lover of truth. i wanna stay in it even if its chaotic, atleast its truth. can one live in chaos? no, one cannot. this is just an impossible situation. is insanity the only end? i beat my head because i cannot live in chaos, and i cannot stop beating because chaos is the truth. maybe its only because of seeing the futility of beating that i stop beating. but then what? there is no escape.
that’s human. being human is being a liar, and believing his own lies. and yet he wants truth. he cannot live a lie the moment he get to know it. hah, how very funny. and around this little human revolves all great things like thoughts, feelings, emotions, relationships, beauty… life itself! can he tolerate it? he doesn’t deserve it. its too much for him. i disgust being a human. i disgust all my filth, lies, fears, weakness, all those dual thoughts… i hate living and watching my life from close view. acute consciousness – as the character of Notes from Underground called it. i am all too aware of my dual thoughts. somebody said it right that you cannot love a man from closely, you can only love him from far away. its easy to love humanity, its impossible to love human.
6 comments
zindagi disgusts me.i was visiting my child “hood”.and i remember we all having fun and joy.but now it is all about surviving.they were all bored.i can read from their faces.i can hear from their voices.all they think about now is how to get money.i thought i was the only one who stop living,but i don’t think so.i can see their future;it is all boring and as you explained it is repeated all over again.seriously?what is the meaning of life?getting bored?life doesn’t worse fighting for.life lost it’s meaning.and it doesn’t matter your position,unless you take drug or something,you are bored.and when you wokeup the cycle starts all over again.
What happened to your beautiful soul,and sparkling teeth,and motivated hearts.i miss you guys,but now you are gone,gone forever.i know i am dead guys.but if you don’t know it?you are dead too.yeah……i am sorry guys,but you are dead too.it wasn’t only me,without knowing it,you are dead too.
Tum sechi hu,quaro.insaan amisha,amisha merja hega.
You are right quaro.humans are dead for ever.their life is boring,after the age of 20.
Know prove me,i am wrong humans?you are bored and dead.
may be it needs some editing.:)i can’t understand this grammer thing:)
“Boredom is something even gods fear”.
tumne sahi kaha joinel. mere school k dost bhi ab badalte ja rhe hein. they are all after jobs now. hum jab bhi milte hein to ve sab “kaam ki baatein” karte hein… mauj-masti sab khatam ho gyi he. aur unke saath saath shayad main bhi badalta ja rha hun. jaisa ki tumne kaha: humans are dead forever.
yeah,man!
They are “busy” with their “life”.they are know finding jobs,next yeah…..it is all about promotion and produce more money.and get all bored in the process.lie,cheat,steal,pretend,do what ever you can just get busy and get money for survival.but this business is killing all their life in flash.they didn’t see it cause, as i say “they are busy” but i see it for them,you know……their life is gone.and i am sure it is not only your friends or my friends,it is all of them(humans).life is only surviving now.but you know……what will you expect from all this climax population,eh?i think i am dying in the right time.they life after this is boring whether i am healthy or not.i feel for you guys.i love you and i hope you will find the meaning of life before it is too late.
i mean now instead of know on some parts.i think i should edit them before i post them.but i am just busy finding the right word,and endup forgetting to edit the post.i am using mobile too,so it will even make it harder to edit them.
i didn’t edit the above post too.lol
You can delete them if you want quaro.including this one.