Here’s my story.
I grew up with my mom, dad and 3 siblings. I remember my parents loving each other once but it didn’t last long. They stayed together because of us children. I really don’t remember much from my childhood. I know there were happy times but I have no memory of them. What I do remember is dad banging moms head into the wall, mom sleeping on the couch every night, arguing etc.
I have an older brother who ever since i can remember beat me up. I believe he would be classified as a psychopath, would he ever see a therapist. He beat up my younger brother too and we automatically joined forces – I had a really strong bond with my baby brother. We were like twins.
When I was 10 my older brother started abusing me sexually too. He would force me to have intercourse whenever my parents weren’t home. I was so scared of him and actually believed that he would one day kill me. Once he made my kid brother, who was 8 at the time, watch while he raped me. He told us that we would be sent to jail if we ever told anyone – so we didn’t. This was when my depression kicked in and i first started having suicide thoughts.
When i was 14 i was enrolled at a boarding school (this is pretty common in Denmark where I’m from) and I met the love of my life. I’ll call him O. In spite of being in love with this wonderful young man, I still have suicide thoughts and I started hurting myself in different ways. We had been together for 1½ years, when my parents decided to divorce. My mom had found another man and was moving into his house. I decided that i didn’t want to go with my mom, living in a house with a man I had never met, so I ended up living with my dad and older brother. My baby brother went with my mom. It was a horrible time in my life – stuck with my abusive brother and torn away from my beloved baby brother. I broke up with O, and started dating a real looser. This is when I for the first time get treatment for my depression. I started on anti-depressants an saw a shrink a couple of times. It didn’t help and I quit after a short period. A year went and I got back together with O. My baby brother moves in with my dad, my older brother has moved far away and I’m living on my own. The happiest period of my life. Finally I got my baby brother close to me.
21 years old I had already dropped out of university twice and was kind of lost. At this time I’d been together with O for 2 years (3½ if you count the first time too) and we had a great relationship, except for the fact that I have a tendency to screw up everything that is good in my life. I’m a cold and emotionless girlfriend. I’m kind of happy, i think, until out of the blue my baby brother kills himself. I loose it and end up on a psych ward for a couple of weeks. I’m offered free help from a psychologist and I’m back on anti-depressants. Still not helping. O moves in with me a couple of months later. We can’t make it work. I’m morbidly depressed and a bad girlfriend. I know I love O, but I don’t want to be intimate with him in any way. 363 days after my brothers death, I break up with O again – this is 2 weeks ago today. At first it’s a relieve to get out of a dysfunctional relationship, and I’m really psyched about meeting other men. 3 days ago I realized that I’ve only made things worse. I love O from the bottom of my heart and he truly is the love of my life. 5 years in total we’ve been together. Yesterday I told him that I made a mistake and didn’t want to live with out him – he told me that he don’t love me anymore.
23 years old and I’ve already screwed up my life and pushed my one and only away from me.
It hurts so bad and I’m not able to eat or sleep. I’ve been living on Coke and booze for the past 7 days and I’m worn out.
What’s worth living for? I haven’t spoken with my mom for 5 years, my relationship to my dad has always been bad and we don’t speak much, I have no friends (I’m not kidding – I’m not capable of being close to or trust anyone unless I have know them for years), the two people I’ve ever loved and trusted has left me, I have a “college” degree but in Denmark thats not enough to get a good job and since I have failed to get through university twice I will have difficulties getting accepted again.
I screwed up and I’m going to die alone. So lost and hurt. Don’t want to wake up tomorrow.
6 comments
): i’m very sorry to hear about what has happened in your life. you older brother is awful, if i could i would probably give him a “talk” in a dark alley or something and scare him so bad he’ll have nightmares for the rest of his life…but unfortunately i can’t do that… x.x
):> losing your younger brother so suddenly must also be very painful, again i’m sorry to hear that so much has gone wrong… ): it may not help much, but i’m sure, 100% possitive, he’ll act as a guardian angel for you now. 🙂
now, on the matter of O. this will likely sound rude, but forget him. he’s a real loser if he doesn’t love you. “there are other fish in the sea” i think some1 should go fishing soon. :p take him out of the picture. it’s hard when you don’t have friends..i know that feeling too… i tend to trust people after along time, and have no one to truely call a friend.
university is hard (asuming university is the equivilent of college in america…) i’m in quite a few classes right now and failing. if you can’t get through or into one university, try another for a different career path, if that doesn’t work then don’t give you, there are universities everywhere that would love to accept a wonderful person such as yourself.
dying alone…what is it to die not alone? to be next to someone? to have people in your life? alot of people could teqhnically have died alone… sorry i think about that alot myself… >_<
i understand you feel lost and hurt, but do you think that in the darkness you can find a hand to hold yours and guide you into the light (i don't mean death by light, i mean happiness) there's always light at the end of the tunnel they say… you've just got to keep on going… if you need someone to talk to or to care, i'm here, and i do care 🙂 let me know if u need a hug
wow i really failed. in paragraph 4 i said dont’ give you…i meant don’t give up XD
Whoa thats a strong story, but proves that you are a real strong person because not anyone can stand so much pain, but my little advice is that try to forget the past so you can have a future , i know is very hard to get trough that much, but you can try, maybe would be helpful if you move out of country and try to start a new life anywhere else.
I wish i was close to you to give you a hug and try to make you smile.
BTW im also alone i dont have nothing and also i been trough a lot, im telling you this so you can see you are not the only one with a screwed life, but cheers we are special people with a very strong heart
It’s been rough no doubt, but go back and look at your feelings about your folks and how that reflected on to your life. It has a greater impact than we would ever know. Which affects our own stability down the road and affects our choices. Not a fault or blame thing…you are doing your best. John Bradshaw on the family. Good information that will positively impact your life and give you valuable awareness. Cheers
Thank you all for trying to help. I don’t know what to do. I’ve held on for 23 years now but I feel like I’ve reached my breaking point. Every second of my life is physical and mental anguish. I cant forget or move on its on my mind 24/7 – even in my dreams. I have terrible “nightmares” every night and wake up crying my eyes out. My life is a living nightmare and i can’t even escape in my dreams. I’m just looking forward to the sweet release of death.
I read your story, and I don’t know if I can honestly relate to all of it, but I can understand you wanting to die. I can understand how it feels to have no friends in real life anywhere and losing the person you love.
I’m not sure if you still hold a grudge against your older brother, but if you do, you should confess that to your mom and dad to ease your mind about it. As for your boyfriend, you still have a chance of getting back to him, but I’m sure you can just find someone else too. Someone who truly loves you and who you truly love back.
Doing drugs or drinking alchohol won’t help. They might make you lose that moment of pain, but it is only a mask. Instead it’ll make you feel worse afterwards and mess up your body. If you ever feel hopeless or not well, just tell others about how you feel or find something to do. It might help.