It’s like everyone is dissapearing

Lately I’ve been having hardships in school, low grades, bad teachers, lack of enthusiasim, etc. I feel like I’m starting to accept the death of my mother, who I was taken from at the age of three and died and the age of six, but everytime I feel the wound has been healed, another scab has been picked open. My boyfriend started working 1630-0000, which means I get only an hour to talk to him when I get home. I started setting an alarm to wake up at 0000 so I could talk to him when he gets home, but the late hours are taxing my educational performance, and lack of quality time together is roughening the relationship. And the highlight of this post and why I came back; an old friend has just recently commited suicide. Like, a few minutes ago. I feel the need to say goodbye to this world once more and join Enki in the afterlife to find another. But I can’t bring myself to these actions; it’s as if something else entirely is controlling me or putting these thoughts into my head. My clinical depression has been getting much worse, along with my social anxiety. I’m starting to have inner conflicts with myself and for some reason I mentally torture myself. my doctor says these are the first signs of Schizophrenia. I want to curl up with my beau and cry for my recently lost friend and get it al off my chest, but by the time I fall asleep then wake up, my tears will have been dried up by hardened time. I feel like I’m drowning within myself. Not to mention, money is running low as we are saving to buy a new house. My dad’s girlfriend is staying at her cousins’ for now (a long story as to which I have no desire to tell) and we got there every weekend. Angel is a drunkard and uses people. We get so annoyed that we leave the cramped house to get away from her, but as the outside world is we end up spending money to pass the time. I feel shy to ask my dad for anything because I know we need the money. Once more, I’m drowning within myself. I feel thoughts of suicide running around the brims of my mind, and the death of my friend as pushed me even rather. Better yet still, I’m the one who pushed him into the final decision by hurting his trust. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the ability to keep my meditations in my religion stable, so I lack the energies they gave off. I ask around for someone to help me keep myself from slacking, but they want me to do it on my own; but I just can’t! (spiritual Satanism. no sacrafices) And still I grieve for my lost friend..Of which I have done the deed of his death, though not by my own hand. I’m still responsible.