i really cant do this anymore. i cant live my life like there is nothing wrong anymore, i cant live a LIE. Its just not in my nature. I have no clue on what i want on ANYTHING, i am a horrible decision-maker every choice in my life has been horrible from choosing to go to parties and getting raped with no knowledge of the event except for trace strobelight like memories, yet this still wasnt the only time i was raped/molested, sometimes its just hard to think of a safe place anymore even though its all ended, because in my mind it hasnt, one time i even pretended to be asleep thinking it would stop, did it? hell no it was just their free ticket to do whatever, even when i cryed it didnt stop. He knew i was awake. i just feel like if god really loved me he would do this to me agian and agian. and yea so what ive done drugs not alot of drugs i just like to smoke shit, it makes my life and my nerves a lil more tolerable. im not saying its right but it makes the pain go away and thts good enough for everytime i find myself upset now, here i am agian smoking this shit. thus leading to my numerous enounters with the law, and time in the work realse center, i thought everything was gnna change after tht, but i feel myself fading back to my old ways as my deppression furthers, and i could end up like tht agian or worse. but i refuse to die due to an OD, if im gonna go out im gnna choose when not some stupid smoke shit.
i kno my life is an epic failure in the making, but i used to have some kind of hope but thts all gone now, i just cant anymore.i used to run away from all my problems problem at school stop going, problem with mean girls on the bus have ur parents pick u up, problems at college go smoke with ur friends and stay away from tht place i have ALWAY found a way to get away, but u cant get away if the problem is u. Â its like im forced to watch a train wreck over and over and over agian not to be cliche.and thats why i say good bye to this world, as my dad always says “Life sucks, then you die” Â and thts that.
i hate going on stupid rants, and no one is probably even reading this, thts because no one cares about some stupid girl who cant even go to college, or even hold a job at speedway. i am a hopeless peace of shit with no ambition, hope or life left in me.
9 comments
Hi. i actually feel the same. Im only in high school though, a almost to be 16 year old girl, a heavy smoker of tobacco and a drug addict (almost arrested 4 times). I also have a drinking problem. My parents beat me. And honestly im a fat, ugly, stupid as fuck, loser, un-loved, piece of shit. And i also always try to run away from everything, pretty much all i do. Im also a cutter which ive cut myself so much i have become addicted to it also. My life is sad but whats keeping me down is that there IS some one out in the world that DOES NEED ME. And there is deffinitly someone that needs u. Heck talking to u right now could be changing my life for the better, and i hope the same for you. U dont need to go to collage to be smart, its what u do with ur own smarts that makes you, you. And thats pretty flippin awsome. So keep being awsome and maybe skip down the road everyonce in a while. And if u want to reply awsome bc u seem pretty awsome to me ;D
Well let me know when you’re done kicking the shit out of yourself so I can respond….
well if u really must kno someonesomewhere i am completely and utterly depressed, so therefore have NOTHING good to say about myself and have currently been up for 2 days straight, i CANNOT sleep, i am too depressed today i layed in the floor awaiting my death but since i am only 20, i realized i would be there a long time, and dont have the patience. but atleast i made it to the fucking floor today most days im lucky to get out of bed. the only reason i havent ended it is because i dont have the balls, and i have phobias to practically everything i could kill myself with or phobias of after it happens, it just seems like im hell bent over my own pain and i cant stop it, isnt like i want to be like this. i want to live a normal life, i want to be able to sleep believe me i do, i just cant and the whole world will have to fucking get over it. its like im perpetually stuck in dead space, or maybe a wheelchair of the mind would best describe it, i can only get so far before i run into stairs. and thank u WorldsDisaster i am glad to know there is SOMEONE who understands how i feel, and better yet understands me. i have alway been the black sheep, so thankful.
First off, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve had a rough and traumatic past, and that’s enough to mess anyone up and cause them to lose faith in themselves.
I’m sorry you were raped. It’s a horrible injustice that leaves the victim powerless and devastated. Do some research into other parts of the world where women face terrible oppression – Afghanistan, The Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, etc. It’s hard to learn about, but when you see just how big and widespread the problem is on a global scale, it helps you understand and come to terms with your own victimization a little better.
You run from your problems because you aren’t able to deal with them on your own. It’s not your fault, and you need to stop blaming yourself for not having what’s necessary to overcome them. It’s only when you begin to heal and come into your own strength as a person that you’ll be able to face difficulties in life on your own without resorting to running away.
And stop giving so much importance to society. It’s shit, and just because you don’t measure up to the standards doesn’t mean that you’re worthless trash.
Focus on yourself and do what’s right for YOU, not what you think is expected of you.
tht sounds great and all but i dont know how come on to my own strength and i dont know what i want in life, i dont kno what i want to be, i cant even make a meal decision…
Well that’s understandable. And recovering from a state that’s as bad as the one that you’re in is going to take some time. And it’s okay to not know what you want. You’ll figure it out eventually. Until then don’t worry about it too much.
The only thing that’s important now is your healing. That should be the sole focus of your attention.
dont think dt u r trash,coz god nvr makes dt. he gave u dis lyf for a purpose..god made u for a reason .n nothng lasts forever not even bad tyms
Hi
From what you wrote, you can perfectly change your life to a new one and enjoy it without thinking that there is no solution. I can sense that it is mostly a matter of how willing you are to start putting things in order. You are not a terminal aids patient, you are not dying of cancer, you are young and girl, two elements to combine to make a great life. Of course I care about whatever happens to you, even if I dont see you now. I am positively sure I could transform your life just by talking.
hugs
O
Don’t be so hard on yourself, not many people know what they really want at 20, and you’ve had a pretty rough life for what you say, heck, i’m past 30 and i have no damn clue of what i want to do with my life, you are young and even if your suffering must be way too much for you atm, you still have lots of time to turn everything around