My “counselor” who seems to never have time for me told me to write a letter to my mom. I will never have the courage to give it to her, but I need someone else than just me to read it.
Dear mom,
If you expect me to be perfect, respectful and gracious, why cant you be the same?
Why do I have to act like im someone else when im around you?
Why have you showed me that a fake smile and fake feelings are ok?
Why couldn’t you read the warning signs?
Why couldn’t you be there for me?
Being a teenager doesn’t mean being constantly sad.
It doesn’t mean that when I say im tired
You can brush it off
Because day after day
Its not normal
Theres that fake smile again
A mask at school
A mask at home
Where can I be myself?
You tell me to make my own happiness
Yet you don’t tell me how
How can I be happy
With a “mom†who is never home
With a person who is never alright
I tell you to be home more
But you get confused when I want you to go away
Talking to me about my feelings
Has become the most alien thing to me now
We don’t have a connection
We aren’t mother and daughter
Im a person living in your house
Eating your food
Breathing your air
Yet you feel the need to control my life
“everything will be fineâ€
“just calm downâ€
“don’t overreactâ€
You want me to be happy…
But how can that be when you make my life hell
You made it so no one wants to be around you
And the anger that erupts into our home
Has something to do with you!
And making excuses
As to why you do the things you do
Doesn’t make you any better than me
Trying to help me
Trying to talk to me
Wont work anymore
I am to far gone
To far hidden
FIinding more confidence
And comfort
in people I don’t even know!
Because I know they feel the same
That they cant hurt me
Because the reason I am the way I am
Definantly has something to do with you
And brushing it off
Acting like its all fine
Wont work anymore
Because ive gotten to the point that I want to die
That being alive isn’t an option
I don’t want to be me
I just want to be free
in a world all my own
Why is being alive such a special fucking gift
When all I feel is pain
Anxiety
And stress
And you act as if you could stop it
But hugs and kisses
Are now just the mask you taught me to create
Because years of you telling me im not good enough
And of telling me to not be me
Has made a whole new person
Who feels nothing inside
Tears
Scars
What are they anymore?
Happiness I haven’t felt in what feels like a lifetime
Drinking and pot
That’s your escape
So why cant I have one?
Why cant I have a place to be myself
To be fucking alone
To be happy
Why cant I ever get away?
But you keep me trapped in a hole we’ve both dug so deep
That’s theres no light peeking out anymore
I want to be happy
But whats the point in trying
If no one is here to try with me?
Youre not my mom
Youre merely a person whos made life unbearable
You’ve made me want to die
Made me want to bleed
Made me want to run away
But kept me locked
In handcuffs so tight
I tried to cut myself free
You never noticed
So I never stopped
But you were to oblivious
To try and help
You forgot I was even there
And the times when you were sober
Disappeared
The times when you weren’t high
Disappeared
And I was left to be my own mother
To raise myself
In a world so cruel
No one could understand
I tried to get help
But you shut me down
Every time I tried to tell you
You brushed it off
as if I was lying
So here I am now
Trying to imagine
What a mother would say to this
Trying to pretend
That I can go home
And tell a mother this
But ill keep it all inside
Just like you taught me to.