Do you wish to feel nothing at all rather than being hurt? I do.

I have a small group of friends, and we’re pretty close. One friend has a roommate that has OCD and anxiety. Just several days ago we had a conversation about her, and I couldn’t believe how much bashing, judging, and hating my friends had for the poor roommate.

I myself had a major depression 2 years ago, and all of them know about it. Back then I was so afraid that if I suicide, I’d hurt many people, so I tried to hang on and fight back. I wouldn’t deny that they do care for me some time. However I did realize they judge my emotion, as if I chose to be depressed and suicidal. They say that suicide is selfish. But hey, I didn’t want to hurt them, but they keep driving me to the suicide point; then telling me that suicide would be selfish because I’d hurt them. I don’t see a fucking logic here.

My family is very distant, and I’m in college; so to be honest, they’re the only people I’m close with right now. I hate them for keep making me feel so bad. Many times, I just disconnect with the world to be alone. The worst thing about this is I’m in love with one of my friends, who would never love me back. I feel like a dumbass and pathetic human being for keep hanging out with them, only to get hurt. But if I lose them, I have nothing. I seriously believe that things would be much better if I suicided 2 years ago; rather than keep living and fighting like a ghost just because that I’m afraid these fucking friends would get hurt.

And I don’t know why I love the girl that hates me and looks down on me so fucking much. I can’t stop myself from loving her. I just want to die to stop this pathetic mess.