“If we refuse assent to reality: if we rebel against the nature of things and choose to think that what we at the moment want is the centre of the universe to which everything else ought to accommodate itself, the first effect on us will be that the whole universe will seem to be filled with an inexplicable hostility. We shall begin to feel that everything has a down on us, and that, being so badly treated, we have a just grievance against things in general. That is the knowledge of good and evil and the fall into illusion. If we cherish and fondle that grievance, and would rather wallow in it and vent our irritation in spite and malice than humbly admit we are in the wrong and try to amend our behaviour so as to get back to reality, that is, while it lasts, the deliberate choice, and a foretaste of the experience of Hell.” —Dorothy L. Sayers, Introductory Papers on Dante
I’m struggling with this. I understand the basic truth of it (except to me the ‘Hell’ in question is entirely metaphorical), and essentially agree. I see no value in projecting like so many people do, so that my own misery is to be seen as a perfect reflection of the greater picture; the microcosm of a miserable world. I know things aren’t so black-and-white as that, and that my own experiences shouldn’t be overgeneralized. The problem is that if I can’t externalize my pain like some suicidals do, I end up internalizing it. There lies the problem.
It’s probably due to unique difficulties of the situation I’m trapped in, but long story short if I can’t blame the world or anyone outside of me, then I can only blame myself. “This shouldn’t be a black-and-white thing either,” I try to reason with myself. “It’s the Depression speaking,” I try. Nevertheless, my feelings of failure and worthlessness get accordingly amplified, to match the gravity of my perceived sins. Whatever logic or creativity I try to apply to it, the fact I’m trapped where I am now is all my fault. The fact there is no one I feel I can turn to in order to find help getting out of it is also my fault. That I’m too ashamed to explain precisely why I’m so trapped when I try to call crisis lines? My fault.
Of course my traitorous mind points to all of this as “proof” I can no longer hope to function productively as a part of society, as it endlessly loops through every memory –from the most crystal-clear flashbacks to the haziest of recollections– of every awkward or wrongheaded thing I ever did in my life.
Like the angry-at-the-world types, I’m angry too. Except since I’m positive that it’s not the world of human beings that’s wrong, or twisted. (Note: I’m NOT talking in terms of politics/socioeconomics here, which is a whole other story about a tiny number of people with way too much power and a staggering number of people with way too little knowledge about it.) It’s me. Even though on the surface, rationally, I know it’s fallacious to think I must be getting what I “deserve,” deep down, I can’t root out my deep-seated belief in that fallacy. It makes me angry as hell not just at myself but also at the ones who are exploiting me for nearly-free labour at any and all hours every day instead of paying for professional assistance like they should be. I hate myself for wishing for a way out though, because finding my way out of this means problems for two other people. This even though they’ve demonstrated they don’t really care about my needs, or the fact I’ve been severely burned out and over-stressed for as long as any of us can remember.
Put crudely, I have nothing to live for except for a fucking martyr complex.
*edit* (please see my update in my reply to clevername below)
2 comments
To me, right off the bat, that quote seems to misunderstand and trivialize the whole “me vs the world” paradigm.
The idea that such things are so blatantly misrepresented, really irritates me. I’m slightly offended (not that i’m demanding anyone care whether i’m offended about anything; just sayin’).
This is the kind of thing that leads so many people to misunderstand, and seems to even encourage dismissive marginalization of people who feel wronged by a great number of things (aka: “an inexplicable hostility in the universe…” which i don’t think is quite accurate…).
Ugh, you know what, nevermind.
Stop blaming yourself for shit that isn’t your fault. Learn to know whether, when, and why you’re right or wrong. Learn to say “No,” when you can get away with it.
You have a point, there. I just think it’s equally as pointless for people to condemn the entire universe around them for their troubles (rather than the one/ones who directly *caused* them) as it is for me to blame myself for all 100% of it.
What I’m actually struggling with here is finding the middle ground, I guess. Sometimes I reach it, but it doesn’t last for long. My problems are incredibly difficult to parse through. Only two things are somewhat clear:
1. That I got INTO the situation is definitely due to my own mistakes.
2. Getting OUT of this is something I probably need others’ help with.
Aside from those two things, I don’t think I’m in a position to assess my life with true objectivity anymore.
*edit* As of yesterday, I learned something that puts all of this in a much clearer light for me now: I have been the child of a Narcissistic Mother and Enabling Father. I knew something was terribly wrong all my life but only since I learned of the precise traits a mother with these tendencies exhibits yesterday did everything begin to click. Being raised this way wrought damage that I’ve only recently begun to understand the full scale of. The worst part is that because I wasn’t aware enough to protect myself, I am currently stuck in a situation in which I have to deal with her on a daily basis. The gaslighting/crazy-making (not something that only applies to socio- or psychopaths, but to narcissists and borderlines too) was partially successful it seems, but I have to give myself some credit too– the anger I’ve been trying to keep down all this time (and sometimes not succeeding, tbh) was my internal BS detector going at full blast trying to tell me “NO, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS CRAP!†Except while I apparently was able to mostly resist the gaslighting she’s gotten into inflicting upon me in the last year or two, I can’t just flip a switch and undo about 30 years of brainwashing. Apparently I have to accept and complete a grieving process for my “lost†childhood and the “mother†I never truly had. Only then can I hope to heal. Since I’m trapped caring for her right now, I’m not convinced I can do these things yet. But I just might be a step closer to surviving all of this, if I can.