Stupidity

I am an idiot. that’s what i am. a fool. i am a dreamer. i am not living in reality. why do i act stupidly in front of others? why the hell? why can’t i ever know how to act? i’ve such a self-defeating tendency… i deliberately ruin everything. even at those actual moments i know what i am speaking and how it can be changed to give a better and more clear presentation of what i’m trying to say, but i don’t do that. i deliberately speak whatever the stupid statement come in my mouth. i know the hidden actual meaning/emotion behind their statements, but i purposely shut myself to that and listen to only the dead words and give stupid, dead response to that. its like i want anarchy.

why am i ruining everything? why do i want to spread my meaninglessness into everything?
maybe because they aren’t worth it. they bind me, so i’m taking my revenge. or maybe i’m taking my revenge out of hate.

look, i can live my life in two ways: acute or obtuse, moment-to-moment or in long term way (like idea). i can make sense or have meaningful/not-stupid interactions with others only in long term one. but then comes my attachment to truth. i know that truth is only in present moment. ideas are not truth. i want to act the way i am, i want to own myself, that’s why i don’t wanna live in long term sense. i am in present moment. so i almost always choose moment-to-moment case when it comes to my choice. but in that there is anarchy, in that there is my self-defeating tendency, in that there is meaninglessness. in that i am always hateful towards others, maybe because they bind me, or because i have to suffer because of them, or because of their human-ness, or whatever known or unknown reason. 

you see, i have connections all over. the whole cannot be made right by thinking out and making one thing right. i have solutions, but it seems they aren’t whole, they are part. that’s why they don’t work, why else. and who can understand the whole? i am having a realization right now. i cannot understand the whole, but my body, my life energy are actually living in and according to the whole. they, in a sense, understand the whole. its only “me” who is suffering, not my body or my life energy. funny. i am again going mystical. i must come back.

i was talking about connections. how many can one make right? when “you” change, all your connections turn sour, and then you try to make them right, once this then that whichever you thoughts stumble upon. that’s an impossible task.

i have a kind of knack for not doing what i’m supposed to do, as if i want to play with laws of society or nature and show them that i am free. or maybe i don’t want to show anybody else but myself. you see, the people who are free don’t have to prove it to anybody, but those who aren’t free… show their humanness and take their revenge for their bondage by trying to prove to others that they are free.

well i don’t know what else to say. its hard to put all this in words. but when it gets too much one feels the need to somehow pour it out, even if it comes out as non-sense. but you see i can’t even rant normally… i start making theories even there. well i talked some of my things with my school time friends in our meeting 2 days ago and.. i was thoroughly disappointed. they weren’t taking me seriously. they were laughing when i told them things i’ve accumulated over these years and about my future plans of running away. and they are the same friends who made my life paradise in those 2 golden years of school and with whom i had such an intimate connection. they’ve changed; well except one, but he is still too innocent to understand my suffering, although he was understanding my words very well. hmmm laughing, almost mocking. well that’s what i am – a laughingstock. isn’t that what i always wanted? even in school time i used to make jokes on myself to make others laugh. so, you see, seeds were always there. i myself don’t take myself or my suffering seriously. i mean on one level i do, but on another more deeper level i don’t. maybe one day i’ll kill myself just like that, stupidly, out of jest. you see, things become complicated only when one is serious; but in stupidity one can do, one is free to do, any act just like that, without any complication. no need of reason, no need to make a choice… just like that.