I’m held back from “doing the deed”. It’s innate and external factors, I believe. There is a part of me that has ceased to care about either. I acknowledge them, but I push the deep thoughts away. I want to leave.
My reasons for staying are limited. I don’t know what will come next for me in life. Sure, I can create my future to be absolutely amazing, and carry it through with some serious will-power and ambition. Ambition…..I can grasp it and never let it go, if I chose to. Why am I not choosing to? I don’t care about myself, apparently. I’m looking for a way out of the struggles I am currently facing. Many would say my struggles aren’t hard enough for me to back out permanently. I’m weak. Very weak right now.
I’m constantly knocked down by myself. Maybe it’s the fact I’m a teenager, and my frontal lobe isn’t developed enough for me to get myself out of this hole, so my brain uses my amygdala to “help” me through my daily life of making decisions. Or, maybe, I do have an actual problem psychologically. I don’t know which, yet. Maybe when I get older, all of this will clear up and leave my mind.