I don’t know if I’m full-on suicidal. But I like the feeling of a blade on my skin, the blood running down my ankle, my neck, my arm, whatever it may be. I like the numbness it brings. Maybe that’s why I cut, to bring on the feeling that makes sure I can keep going for another day. But I was found out when I actually cut a word on my wrist. My docs blamed it on a medication I was taking, but I know better. Are any of you scared someone will find out that you’re suicidal, if people don’t know? Are you scared someone will find out you cut? Or are you at a point where you don’t even care about that anymore? I feel like I’m taking a risk just posting here, but I need to know the answer.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
4 comments
The “being found out” part or the feeling that big brother or a savior is watching you, judging you, is a conditioned mental construct passed down through DNA as a result of past human ignorance regarding the nature of “god”. So, we tend to automatically categorize certain actions as good, certain actions as bad. But that aspect of ourself that is labeling things as good or bad, is actually a conditioned aspect of ourself that I feel is self created.
Your business, your thoughts, your actions… Are yours. Is no one else’s business.
Also, because parenting for the past few hundred decades has considered children to be less than, something to be controlled, that children are assumed to be of less intelligence than the parent… This ignorance has too conditioned the human spirit.
We need a huge override regarding the role of parenting.
So your actions- have nothing to so with anyone else.
You get to choose. It is your free will.
Sometimes I think a few people probably know (both about suicidality and cutting), but I’ve never said anything outright. I have straight out lied about both.
I’m definitely scared that someone would find out about suicidality because I’m not really sure what they would do but definitely more than they are doing. I’m less scared about cutting because I think I could talk about it in a blasé way. I don’t want people to worry in general, so I don’t really want to talk about much of my life at all. Someone finding out about anything would scare me, so it would be really unnerving for anything to come out that way.
I used to be scared but now I dont care.. crazy you ask that because just today someone said they were going to tell my mom and strangely I didnt care at all.. I feel like things like that are the least of my concerns when having to deal with such dark thoughts… ya know? *cheers*
That’s like defensive apathy.