find

It was almost magical, the way we met. We had talked online occasionally for a few months before, on and off. The day before she went back to school from spring break, she told me where her home was. Only a 30 minute drive from where I lived. We immediately decided to meet. When we met we exchanged stuffed animals. She thought I was going to take her to Taco Bell. I ended up sharing a plate of pasta with her in a restaurant, then brought her home where we watched a movie. Her head was in my lap, and looking deep in each others’ eyes, we shared our first kiss. When I brought her home I lightly touched my lips where she had kissed. She looked back at me, giggled, and waved goodbye.

Over the next few months we talked a lot. She had a habit of not staying in contact with anyone, friends and family included, but she made an exception for me. I was someone she “never knew she wanted.” She wanted to be with me forever. She wanted to have a life with me. At least, that’s what she said. We had an incredible year with nothing but happiness and love. She was a virgin when she met me, and she felt like she could trust me with her first time; the first night we made love, she was shaking. She was having second thoughts. I told her she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want, and showed her a present I had gotten her: a beautiful coat made of velvet. I wrapped her in it and kissed her. Immediately, she stopped shaking. She relaxed. When we broke he kiss she looked in my eyes and told me she wanted me to be her first, she was sure of it now.

We had an incredible year. I introduced her to my friends, she ingrained herself in every part of my life. She accepted me the way no other girl ever had. I told her about my past; being abused and used by many girls, sleeping around and not having serious relationships afterwards. Most girls bristled when I told them. Not her. She took my hand and said it didnt matter, she loved me. I let go of my past. I let go of the resentment and anger. She showed me I could love fully. She was my soul mate. At least, I believed so.

i found out she had depression by accident. she accidentally left an empty pill bottle in my house and was terrified id leave her. I just said she had to be truthful with me. She said she would never lie to me again. She seemed to have it under control so I didn’t hound her any more about it.

The night before it happened she talked to me for five hours, a bit longer than usual. I thought it was just homesickness, since she had just gone back to school. There was no fight, no page argument or slammed doors. No shouting or screaming. A nice, everyday chat between lovers, so I thought. The next day I was walking out of a grocery store after buying a sandwich. Valentines decorations were just put up and I thought about how I’d surprise her. The taste of the sandwich was still in my mouth when I got the call from the police station. I still taste it whenever I eat now.

“are you her boyfriend? Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.”
“yes” I didn’t worry about being in trouble.
“did you two have a fight? Did you two break up?”
“no, what happened? Is she okay?”
“no, she is not okay.”

They couldn’t tell me any more. Only family members, which I was not. I looked up news in her area. “College age girl involved in an accident.” Could be anyone but I knew. Deep in my heart I knew. I got confirmation from her parents that night.

the next few weeks and months were a spiral of self destruction. I have delusions she is still alive. Sometimes I still do. I dug into her life. Her parents were abusive and contributed to her suicide but she never told me. She had had attempts before but her parents didn’t help her. It explained why she only left me a suicide note and nobody else.

I am still devastated. Every day I think of ending my life. She was the one. The girl is been searching for my whole life. It feels as if my soul, my very being has been torn out and my body just wants to join it. I hate her for breaking every promise she made me. She was mine and I was hers. It was how it was supposed to be. I love her more than anything in the world. I want her to come home to me. Come home to me so we could have the life we dreamed of.
The last thing she ever said to me was “I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Can’t wait.”
Im still waiting. and I still love her.

I am still suicidal. It’s not getting better, I’m just getting better at hiding it. I have the plan formulated in my head. I know what it’d do to people around me but I hurt so badly, my life is over, what do I have to live for? If there’s an afterlife I can go find her and we can be together forever like we said. If there isn’t then I’ll have gone to sleep forever. Sleep is when I hurt the least anyway.

I had just found my reason to live and it was torn away from me. She told me to find someone else, that she was easily replaceable, but then said over and over how much she loved me. What do I do with that?