I just found today an old post of mine to this site, back in 2009. I have lost the login because I don’t have anymore the email account that I used. A long story. My nick was griks and here is the post:
http://suicideproject.org/2009/11/it-all-sucks/
It was me. I remember I just posted that and didn’t look anymore. I am shocked the post has 19 comments. From almost every year , and the last one is from January 2014, only 5 months ago! and I posted that on 2009.
I said I didn’t know why I shared that and now I still don’t know why I am writing this. In case someone is curious, I have not attempted suicide again. I am 33 years old now. My life has changed a little in this 5 years, some would say for the better, maybe even me. I cofounded a software company, I have a nice salary, a comfortable life, free time, and I don’t have problems to date girls. I am a guy, maybe I didn’t say that. I live alone in a beautiful European city in a nice apartment. Everyone would say I am perfectly happy. But appearances are deceiving. I am broken inside. Since 2009, everything human being I have touched, I have broken, shattered and disappointed. More souls are broken because of me and those who have healed have a scar with my name on it. No matter how hard I try, I cannot be happy, and I cannot love because I cannot be honest with anyone. I have a dark side I can’t now explain here. Without wanting it, I can’t help but to bring my pain and my unhappiness into the word. I am but a toxic waste of a human being I once was, before my brain was somehow corrupted and broken.
Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had died that summer of 2009. If there is some meaning I don’t see it. If there is some plan I don’t follow. I feel exactly the same as 5 years ago. If I had a gun I would shot myself now. If I had a guaranteed death poison I would take it right now. I am afraid of making another mistake, another failed attempt. I have even thought to build a guillotine, there are no beheaded survivors as far as I know. People fall from hundreds of meters and don’t die. People take all kinds of pills and don’t die. Then people just stumble in the street, hit their heads and die. Everything happens at random. I am not even allowed to willingly donate my body parts. I would gladly give somebody my heart, my eyes, my liver, everything. The world is a weird place.