i’m not sure why, but i have this weird feeling that i won’t grow to be old. i mean, i can’t imagine myself living until i’m, what, ninety?
Karla destroyed my heart, hopes, dreams & confidence so badly that I started working a song:
You told me you wanted to grow old with me,
You threw me a way like yesterday’s garbage,
You crushed my heart,
You destroyed all my dreams,
Now I cut with a knife and
it makes everything all right
You caused so much distress in my head that I can’t sleep,
Now I cut with a knife to make everything all right
I cut with a knife and it makes everything all right,
You’ve hurt me so much,
I can cut with a knife
and not feel any pain.
I’ve come to realize for one reason or another I can’t seem to kill myself. I’m beginning to question if there really is a God.
I have written a new prayer. I did borrow the beginning from an old prayer:
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And while I sleep I pray the Lord my life and soul to take.
heads up everyone, i ramble. i feel nothing and at the same time i have so many thoughts that i cant think, so this is basically emotional throw-up. read it. or dont. im mostly just putting my thoughts down so that i can understand them better myself.
i was angry and sad today, as i often am, and stumbled across this site. whoever started it, kudos to you, because its nice to talk to people who understand, rather than broken records saying ‘dont be depressed, be happy’. lovely, i will just do that then. oh wait, i dont know how. its not a simple thing, though it seems like it would be. we are, after all, in control of our emotions, right? nah. humans have been dependent on other humans since our beginning, whether we like it or not. i am dependent on my mother which is like a slap to the face, because im pretty sure she is why i am like this. if i tell her how depressed and lonely and awful i feel, and the thoughts that i have been thinking, she say’s theres something wrong with me. no duh, mother, yet you refuse to ease up on me. i know everyone has stress in their lives, and there is no such thing as control over it. there are only outlets to relieve it. when you dont have outlets, no matter how much and what kind of stress you have, that is when the situation gets bad. but i dont have outlets; i have escapes. i dont know how to let go of the bad, i just know how to overlay it with good for a short little while. a temporary fix to my depression, but temporary is temporary, and i cant escape forever. when im done being temporarily happy, i feel worse than i did before. i want a way to make that feeling permanent. books are a big escape for me. i can get lost in someone else’s story, and experience their problems, and its nice. and i can flip through the pages any time i want. and photography, oooh that a huge one. i take pictures because my forever is probably different than yours. to me, forever is just a pretty word whispered between lovers, it doesnt exist in that sense for me. my forever exists in moments. they are branded along my timeline. and with pictures, i can go back whenever i want. i guess that is how the living learn about dying. when we begin to want things to last longer than they do. we are alive, and the only certainty we have is death. a very curious thing, or at least to me. we are at the beginning, and the only thing we know for sure is that there is an end.
something that can make me really sad is good memories, of people and places i loved and lost. along the way we unconsciously infuse everyone and everything with memory, and i find it hard to let go of things that hold great meaning for me. i dont think it is pure sadness though, because i think about those times with a smile on my face. but right after that i remember that it is past, and my happy expression disappears. it is more of a reminiscing sadness. happy-sad, if you will. you are happy and then you are sad. a peculiar mix of the two, i dont know how to describe it, but it is the most feel-y feeling i have ever felt. you love and then you lose, because that is the natural order. loss always comes after love. because if you think about it, the past is the only tense that exists, if you look at time as a physical thing. it will never not be today, and on your last today, you will remember all the yesterdays. there will be an end, and at the moment when it ends, when you are nothing, there is no future or present; only past. and everything and everyone in your life will be in it. life is a string of friends that you have met along the way, and it ends with them at your funeral. which is why i dont like making new friends. a bad friendship ends with us parting ways, and a good one ends with them dying. a good past makes a sucky present, or at least that’s what i’ve found. i also find old people confusing for that reason. they have lived a good long life, about ready to die of natural causes and such, but how do they keep going at that stage in life? when i listen to their stories of their past, they are so full of adventure and happiness, and are told to me with a smile. yet here they are now, a shell of their former selves, in body and mind, each day a gentle echo of the one before. green grasses and loyal lap dogs and tv shows that no one else watches. i dont know how i could live like that. when my legs are too frail to ever again run in a meadow, when i am too blind to see the stars at night, when i am too deaf to enjoy the music i am so dependent on. im terrified of it.
guess im scared to grow up. sooner or later, i will have to deal with all the stupid things i have done without doing more stupid things. all my dreams have turned from when’s to if’s to that-would-have-been-fun’s. these days, everything is grey. the bad blends in with the good. i dont hate it, and i dont love it either; i just dont care. hate and love are nearly the same, i suppose, but indifference is opposite of both of them. a very dreary feeling, while both love and hate burn bright and hot. the world looks different to me now. my eyes are open. i can see the flowers on the side of the road on which i am walking down, pretty and in full bloom, but i know they will wilt soon. and i pick some up to take with me, to keep some of the lillies for when im surrounded by tulips, just to have some memory of the past. they still die out, but now i have to watch it happen in my very own hands. i guess thats what good memories are though. bits of the past that you etch into your mind, to be able to go through when those feelings no longer exist for you. you hold them in your brain and they wont go away, and suddenly im wondering if theres a way to erase all the good so i can be more at ease with the bad. now i am stuck with all these inside jokes and secrets from people in my past, and i cannot sell them because they only hold meaning to me. my ribs are built like a cage around my heart, but even they do not protect me from the things i willingly let in, because they were good when i did. but the meaning has changed. every happy memory i have now has a sad over-coat to it.
the thing with me though is that i will never ever put a gun to my head, i will never slit my wrists. i refuse to go out that way. i refuse to have my light bulb just die out. if its going to go out, its going to freaking explode. i do things on my terms, and what i do is i take risks. if i am feeling suicidal, i will walk around in sketchy neighborhoods at night. i will listen to music and walk along busy roads. i will climb high into the trees in the woods, they go easily over a hundred feet up. i sit at the tippy top, and think to myself ‘i would die if i fell right now’. and then i climb down. there is a good chance that i will fall, but i will never jump. i leave it to chance. a risky game i play with death. only one person knows this about me, and her words are always the same: pain is temporary. thank you, miss wise and all-knowing karen. so is comfort. and it is a never-ending loop. by the time you have had time to bask in one end, you are thrown into the other.
so i have felt this way for a while. my mom thinks im stupid, should never have been born, yells and hits and what scares me the most is that she used to be my best friend. but nowadays i avoid her as much as i can, because every time we talk we fight. my dad is being worked to death at his job, and i have no way of helping him because we need that money. so my dad comes home from work to be confronted by mom, who starts yelling at him, telling him how awful i am, saying that i must get it from him. he does more stuff around the house than she does, and she doesnt even have a job. unless of course facebook counts, she is on that at least 8 hours a day. he is stressed and i dont know what to do about it. i think he started smoking again, too. i can no longer focus on school work, the teacher tells me something and i forget it a second later. my mind is deteriorating and i can feel it happening and im scared. my friends can tell that i am not the happy, crazy little jitterbug that i used to be, but then i feel bad for making them worry, which also adds to my stress. i eat less. i barely sleep. i am not allowed to hang out with friends, so i dont have much social interaction.
it feels like nothing in my life holds weight anymore. it feels like what i am going through now is just filler crap, a book that was written for the purpose of showing off the beginning. i am more afraid of living through the rest of it than i am of dying, of just closing the book without finishing it. i miss the good old days. i miss living through each one of them, not knowing how special they would end up being to me, oblivious to their importance. i miss my grandmother’s summer house in Gaeta, Italy, where i would throw on her ugly flower coat early in the morning to go to the baker lady, Nina. i would teach her english words, and she would give me stale bread from the day before so i could feed the pigeons in the park. i miss hiking with my dad. i miss kindergarten show and tell. i miss being a kid. i think i was more me as a kid. now im just here. i exist, but i am invisible. i can see others, but they cannot see me. i am still dragged along with the rest of the world, with one obvious way out, and its taunting me. i keep as much distance as i can from that door, but i can still see it, and it beckons. i cannot stop the world, and the earth just keeps on spinning, and that damned door is still just there. my life is just a small thing, on a small planet, in the midst of other bigger planets, in a solar system, in a galaxy, in a small, insignificant part of a universe thats almost 14 billion lightyears old. i think the most accurate length currently is 13.7 or so, and i will try not to geek out, but for those of you who dont know: looking farther into the universe is literally looking back through time. because in the time that it takes for that light to reach us, the object itself has changed. say theres a star 100000 light years away. that means that the star you are looking at, you are looking at how it was 100000 years ago. it could have died by now. kind of how my life feels, if this analogy even makes sense. i remember the past, i can see it, but its getting farther and farther away, and i dont want to let go of it. i have a bad habit of drowning in thoughts and memories. lots of the stars you see in the night sky are dead. i learned this forever ago, but i ponder it often, and i have officially gone mental with this post i dont know what is happening.
i think it was healthy for me to get that all out. if you got this far, congrats; i just wasted half an hour of my life writing this down, and you wasted 5 minutes reading it. or maybe you didnt. maybe it helped. i dont know if this was me trying to pour out some of my problems or offer advice or just explain how i see things (i think mostly the third to be honest) but oh well. have a good day. watch supernatural. love castiel. and for all you out there thinking that you should just end it, think of it this way: our lives are silly and meaningless on their own. if only one person existed, he would be even less important than the entire human race already is. you know why? because we are not special on our own. we dont matter in the whole of the universe, and the universe does not care. we can only care about each other, and give each other meaning, relate to others in insignificant ways. if you truly dont want to live, there is no one who can help you. but if you are uncertain, know that you have to stay alive for yourself, first and foremost. but also for others. there is someone out there who needs help just as much as you do, and if you have the chance to help them, i think you should take that chance and see what happens. helping others really does make you feel better, you know. i feel awful all the time, and yet i volunteer, i help people, and it is yet another escape for me. my advice is to find some escapes. find some outlets. and find some people. share, relate, build on from that, and good luck.
Perhaps I’ve been suicidal since I was seven years old, which was ten years ago. I guess the bullying of my friends and peers were the start of it. I saw everyone having at least four friends as I played by myself, I was never the one that anyone thought was fun or cool. I was the freak with the buck teeth.
I was also diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at that time. I often was in my imagination, being friends with imaginary friends until I was fourteen.
There was only one friend that I knew, and she went to a different school, but each summer, we would meet at a day care and have ideas about making movies and a television.
Over time however she left. As well as many other best friends who did as well. I felt so alone. What made things worse was my mother. She didn’t understand me at all. She would leave me when I’m crying, and stay in a hotel just to stay away from me.
I felt like a broken tool, a broken toy that was too expired to be repaired.
I have a boyfriend who loves me deeply, but I expect him to leave me too.
I honestly don’t expect this stupid stories to have any comments, or even read at all.
I’ve been kicked out of so many groups like this… Give me a reason to feel just a tad better by not blocking me.
Off I go! I’ll be radio silent this weekend.
I’ll be camping. Don’t panic if you don’t see me around for a few days. Because I won’t have internet access.
Be calm. Don’t panic.
HDS is camping.
Have started drinking beer because of course beer. It has a rooster on the label. I’m a light weight, so I’m already buzzed from one beer. Cheap date isn’t the word.
Here have some really old school Public Enemy:
As some of u may know, I commute about 2 hours each way to and from work. Part of my journey takes me past my old high school which I left a long long long time ago. I also go thru areas that were my old stomping grounds and even past two houses I used to live in with my parents. most days I pretty much keep my head down and read a book or look and post here on sp. But for some reason today I was casually looking out the bus Window when I got hit with all these memories from my past. It was crazy, I could feel these memories as well see and recall every detail. These were some of the best times of my growing up, I wasnt bullied anymore or teased for been different, I just fit in for once and everything clicked. It was also the same time I started using drugs, which looking back, its no wonder I kept using them. As far as I was concerned these drugs made me become “normal”, & accepted.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that along with these memories, came a flood of sadness.i almost felt like I was grieving for something. Maybe for all the hopes and dreams of that younger me. Anyway, its true what they say, youth is wasted on the young….. as it should be. So, in case any of u dont kill urself, live it up, take risks, go hard in ur own way and do as much fun shit as u can. In fact, if u are gonna kill urself, do this anyway, cos afterwards. ..Its just black.
i am, by all accounts, a survivor, an old school member of this place, and it gets better it gets so much better that i drink, just co i can fall asleep, that my writing talent, the book im going to write, is used up here and on members via email. my way out is a book i can never write, but hay, it gets better,it always gets better…
I wanna start by sayin when I post here I dont want to sound like some winny 23 year old we all know theres no where else to vent to , even right now my heart is broken with dispair nd I want to die I need the courage to do myself in
With that being said maybe if I could jus reach a new friend here maybe something will change so SP …
What is everyone doing right now what do yu do from day to day lets just try And connect more
The pain, forged by both fond memory and misery…
Like an old sports injury.
It used to be sharp and jarring-
Now, a sporadic shrug.
There was a time when I fought…
Valiantly, to become the unbroken.
But each chip of me grew smaller after each shattering.
And the world now seems to have lost its tape dispenser.
Clocks, aplenty though,
As they mull over and measure their minutes
Their support turns to spite, toughness…
We all grow tired,
Just in different ways.
But is the given that we will grow
Or that we can stand to remain tired?
I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
Man oh man I surely miss those times before I was born, felling nothing, no hunger, no thirst, no emotions and times flew bye so fast don’t you think guys ?
So yeah I really want to go back to those good days, I don’t want a paradise or hell, I don’t want to be conscious, maybe because I fear to see my family from the otherworld.
But jeez it is so tempting, the good old days, jokes on me if we live again the same life.
so yeah, loosing it soon as time goes bye and as the gun locker laughs at me.
If anyone wants to know if I will do it try to read the saarbrücker zeitung or rather republicain lorrain, in a month or so gonna do it probably.
The reason I’ll do it in a month is because a good friend will come and I will tell her what I feel for her, and whatever happens next I’m gonna feel bad so yeah keep an eye out for me so you can tell the others that I failed, maybe makes a good story if I had done more.
This isn’t a very important question, I’m just wondering, how old are you guys? I’m 15 and a sophomore in high school, I’ll be 16 on June 25
I am sick of this garbage.
I am sick of myself.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE EXPECT OUT OF ME.
Killing myself is too fucking easy.
I swear sometimes I feel like there has to be some old fuck in the sky getting off to this shit, because it’s getting too ridiculous for coincidences.
FUCK, I should have gotten that cancer not my Dad, it isn’t fair. Why does he have to suffer, why does one of the only reasonable person I actually care about in my family gets cancer.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO FUCKING DIE FOR YEARS. What if he dies, do you think I’m going to kill myself and leave my 60+ year old mother alone. I fucking despise her entirely but I’m still a human.
The only way I was able to cope was by telling myself I didn’t have to worry about my anxieties because I would end up killing myself. Ironically the thought of an early grave kept me alive.
Now I’m in a situation where I would have to completely lose my sanity for me to end myself.
I don’t give a single shit about what people think about me. I don’t fucking care if people think I’m over reacting, jumping to conclusions, being a ***** etc. But if I fucking hear someone tell me to “keep going” or “don’t think about it” I’m going to blow my brains out right in front of them.
If my dad wasn’t a kind person, I wouldn’t even hesitate walking off that bridge. But he is, so now I can’t die. No matter how the situation plays out now, I am stuck with being alive with the strongest urge to kill myself for years or until emotions get too high and my morality fades.
Fuck this planet, fuck everyone on it.
I hate myself.
I just found an article about a 13 years old boy that died close to where I live. The article was sketchy and seemed to be leaving too much out but had no trouble describing the boys mother holding his life less body rocking back and forth in the ditch. At first I thought maybe he got hit by a car….but the article would have just said that, why leave that out? I thought more on it, the kid killed himself. I found another article that confirmed it. The whole article was deeply disturbing as it described how the kids on the school bus saw the scene. It reminded me of a close friend who took his life in a violent fit of rage 7 years ago. In his driveway. I drove past the house to and from work and thought of it every single time. Now I’m back in it…. from reading an article.
Why do people do it… Why like honestly get to know someone before the assume and make an ass of of themselves I know people probably think I’m paranoid (love that song BTW) but this morning was different like literally 20 mins ago I was at le supermarket (lala de dem doo) grabbed all my groceries then went straight to le checkout harmless right? What could go wrong here? Bam!! (Shitstorm tbh shit went down people) ….. A “nice” elder lady was in front of me (or so I thought see don’t judge a book by its cover (SPOILER ALERT:she was a total *****) see I have a great title for this post it fits perfectly) anyway! At le checkout putting basket up on conveyor belt thingy (doo doo dee doo) I have my headset turned all the way down and hear her saying some rude shit (I was liek :O omg o no u didn’t) now it wasn’t directed at me per say but it kinda was and other people who have things such as
- colored hair
- and even piercings
now for me I only has colored hair and yeah I draw on myself (whoop de freaking doo) then she starts smack talking bullshit how anyone who has any of the listed above is a delinquent that we can’t do anything right can’t get a job because of how we look that we ruined our looks by doing what we did (yadya yadya yadya blah blah blah) SURPRISINGLY I didn’t get kicked out because what I said to her shocked me,her and the checkout lady (tbh I felt bad for saying it but then again I didn’t she kinda deserved it) everyone is entitled to their own opinion but honestly don’t stare at them while ur saying shit (liek seriously she was staring a me the whole time she was saying all dis shit) So I said to her “you’ve been on earth and learned experiences that some of us haven’t even metaphors but you of all people should know the saying ‘never judge a book by its cover’ ” she ended up walking off in a huff (la dee doo) and ended up forgetting a bag of groceries (I also felt sorry for le checkout lady because she had like tattoos and piercings however she didn’t have colored hair) and the checkout lady looked at me surprised and shit anyways I pointed out the grocery bag and said “u should take this to her” she literally said back to me “tbh I don’t want to what she said was rude” Then I said “she’s not worth loosing ur job over because of the fact that she ranted she might happen to be the type of person that complains” meanwhile le old ***** was like 2 checkouts down from where I was standing with le checkout lady and the checkout lady grabbed le bag and went down and gave it to her and what le checkout lady said to le old ***** if it wasn’t for that girl that u kinda insulted u would’ve left this bag behind also I have tattoos and this job I put the groceries in the bag ur not exactly down the self service checkout and also that girl *pointing to me* is more mature than u will ever be. Then she walked back and finished serving me and gave me a candy bar :3 . I felt proud and walked out with my head held high 🙂 also I didn’t get kicked out for once (BE PROUD OF ME SOMEONE) also I hate the mornings as some of u know so it was really hard not to go all sass and sarcasm on that ***** I was so tempted to I’m not gonna lie XD so that was my morning so far SORRY FOR LE RANT but it had to be said…. I hope someone is able to use this as experience. Hehe Sensei Sui -3- but I hope you all have a good day/evening and know I’m always here to talk :3
I’m sitting here in the dark, listening to the rain. It’s been raining a lot lately in the past month or so. I remember a few years ago the river flooding in low lying spots and coming within inches of flooding over the train track bridge. I don’t mind this rain at night or when I’m sleeping but during the day when I have to function it about kills me. I am not very tolerant of the cold and lately this has felt like an ice cold rain. There was one night in February I had to catch the bus home from work in an icy cold rainstorm, without an umbrella because I had no idea that it was going to rain that day. Thinking back I caught a nearly month long cold after that. It’s going to rain all weekend too. I’m thankful I’m spending tomorrow with my little niece and having dinner with my parents, I’m old enough where I like the little things like that. I’m tired too. Part of me is convinced I’m just dying a slow death already or stuck in between life and death. which is what my name here implies. That’s another post in itself though. I think what I hate the most is I feel as if everyone thinks I have my shit together and I’m great. I’m not. I may look healthy and happy and all that bs but my brain is eating me alive. I made a great collage once depicting this, if I find it I’ll post it. Anyway I’m rambling now. I honestly don’t even know if there is a point to this, if you read it, thank you.
I’m a 24 year old guy and I’ve been in so much pain emotional for about a year. I’m financially struggling and in debt. I’m going to be starting college just now at 24. I have no job. I am also ashamed of my body because I have small wrists and only 5’4 tall. I moved out of my apartment and live in the basement of my aunt and uncle’s place. I don’t hang out with any friends and don’t talk to them much anymore. I feel like such a loser! The girl I care about has changed so much within 2 and half months. We used to talk on the phone, text and Snapchat but now she found some other guy and won’t even talk to me as a friend. I have shared so much with her and she used to talk about her problem before but now she doesn’t want to even talk about her problems with me. I opened up my heart to her and she crushed it and she doesn’t even realize it. She has known this guy for about 2 weeks and she is treating him so much better then she ever has with me. Now when it comes to my personality I’m a gentlemen and always put others before myself. I can’t stop thinking about her even though she keeps treating me so badly. When I have enough money I plan on buying a tire inflation kit with the tank that has pure-******** and going to buy a simple oxygen mask so i can breathe the pure ********, lose consciousness and die.
I keep going, day after day, doing the same old bullshit while I wait to be crammed into a dorm with three other people for the next two years who will come and go and be replaced and whatnot. All so I can get a career in forestry to make me money while I go try to get a proper biology degree. For what? The only reason I do this is literally with the hope that humans will launch me off the planet to go die in space and maybe see some cool shit before I die. I have no hopes nor prospects for love, and I’m damned if I have a family.
I just wish I didn’t have to worry about this all the time. I wish i could be happy, or at least not always on the verge of tears, like everyone else seems to be. Life is like a bad highschool school day; I just want it to be over with already.
I’m… I’m just going to go pound a nice big bottle of honey lager and pass out. I’m sick of thinking about it all.
Wrote it back in 2012, about depression, finally found it hidden in the recesses of my computer.
That little bastard never sleep, always does he creep,
Here now it seeps through me,
Everywhere I am he never agrees,
Righteous ************ just please,
Ease the fuck up you squeeze too tight.
Inside my head you infest,
Silent screams making me depressed.
How the fuck did you get so loud,
Over the others you reign supreme in your own shroud,
Please ************ shut up cause here’s the crowd,
Every voice you ground out now we back ***** shouting loud.
No more will I listen to you,
Every moment dragging me down making me blue,
Virtually all hope you smothered turning the screw,
Eventually I realized I can say we’re through!
Roaring loud for my crew,
Get the fuck down off your throne,
Ignorant fucker this is my zone,
Vicariously you lived through me ya old crone,
Except now this fool wont throw you no bone.
Up in your old throne I sit now, no longer will you bring me down, so stop hanging around,
Peace brothers the voice of evil has finally been put down no longer will it destroy me so I say fuck you, ***** lay down