People that dont feel the way I do will never understand. My chest feels so heavy and it’s hard to breathe most of the time. There is a constant ache inside me. My husband is leaving me. I cannot imagine a life where he is not part of it. I keep waking up every day and it hits me so hard. I have to take tylenol pm at night to even fall asleep. I wish i could sleep all day and night. We have a daughter who is 14. I know I am hurting her but I dont know how to stop this. I am like a zombie. I cant even fake it anymore. I cant eat. All i can think about is my husband and how bad i messed things up. The worst part of all this is it is my fault. He loved me so much and I just pushed him away. I hate myself. When I look in the mirror i feel sick. I have allways had a hard time pushing down thoughts of suicide. But this is different. I think of all the ways to do it and there is allways a way it can go wrong. I think about my daughter but Im not even taking care of her now.
3 comments
im so sorry being away from the person you love most is very difficult. try talking to him tell him u realized what you have done…suicide wont help Hun, if anything ull be leaving your daughter and your husband behind andim sure he still loves you but is probably wondering what he did that made you push him away…i wish you the best
Whatever happened between you and your husband, it’s _not_ all your fault. In any relationship it takes two to tango, it’s a dynamic thing between two people and everything you _both_ do affects it.
He may have been ‘loving’, and yet you may still not have been getting what you need. You’re not a bad person for needing something other than what your husband was willing or able to give you.
For example, I’m a person who needs a lot of physical affection. If I’m ever with a man who’s not affectionate, I shrivel up and die like a wilted flower. That’s just what I need; it doesn’t make him ‘bad’, it just means that I _need_ physical affection like a plant needs water, and without it I’m simply not healthy.
Whatever your needs are, I’m guessing they weren’t being met, which was why you pushed your husband away. So it’s not just your fault.
But I’m sorry it’s happening.
Is there anyone you can ask to help you through this time – a girlfriend, an aunt, a neighbor, anybody? Even just a little bit, with some small thing like – I don’t know – taking your daughter to some of her activities?
You are not a bad person. You have needs, and that’s normal and ok. I don’t know what they are, but I’m betting you have some needs that aren’t being met, and haven’t been met in a long time.
This is not your fault. It’s very hard for many of us to ask for help of any kind – our culture is so big on ‘self-sufficiency’ and being so individual. It can be embarrassing to ask for help when everyone around you seems to be managing just fine without anybody helping them.
But trust me – the people who seem to be doing it all alone are often getting all kinds of help, we just may not see the help they’re getting. And sometimes the smallest things can go a long way.
Please don’t hate yourself. Please look more closely at your relationship with your husband and ask what it was that you needed that you weren’t getting. See if this can help you understand why you pushed him away. It’s not just because you’re a bad, selfish person – you’re _not_ a bad selfish person, no matter what anybody says. It’s just that you needed something, and either you didn’t know how to ask for it or your husband didn’t know how to give you that thing.
I hope you will ask people to help you with your daughter, and tell them enough about what you’re going through so that they will see that you need help. I’m not religious, but sometimes churches will help with things like this. I hear they can be very supportive when a person is struggling. (I’ve also heard they can be very meddlesome. So of course you have to trust your own judgment.)
You are also not a bad person for not being able to handle everything alone. It doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad wife or a bad in any way. It just means you need help with something, or maybe a number of things, and you need to start asking people to help you until you find someone who will.
I’m sorry all of this is happening to you but you can’t leave your daughter like that. can you send her somewhere like to a relative?? I know you may need her but the experience of the divorce and your depressiong is going to be an influence that she ill carry for the rest of her life. Please understand I’m not trying to make you feel worse, just try to keep you daughter from feeling the way you do.