I don’t normally tell people about what I’ve been through and well since this is a website where no judgement will be placed on a person if they express themselves, I might as well use this opportunity to release some of my pains and emotions.
This is just a summary….
Hi my name is__________________.
I’m a girl with many fears and very little memory of what I’ve done in the past. I can only remember the key points in my life that really messed me up, it’s rare that I’m able to remember something happy.
I’m 19 years old. I have two half sisters, that I’ve never met. Me and My dad were really close, but he died when I was 10… a week before my birthday.While me and my mom don’t get along well…. We would always be fighting even over the most pointless matters. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom, but getting beatings from her every single time I commit a little mistake or do something she doesn’t like, well there’s only so much a person can take before they start talking back. You may ask, “Whats the worst thing your mom has ever done to you?” I can name too experiences, one where in she used a metal pipe to beat me up until I bled, and second she threatened me with a butchers knife and told me how much she regretted ever giving birth to me.
I don’t have many friends, I tend to push people away sometimes…. You see… It’s hard to trust people in general, especially if you do your best to bare your soul with them and they end up telling other people what you’ve been telling them and changing some parts of the story to make you look like the bad guy or maybe even a slut.
I tried to trust one person tho’ my boyfriend… well my recent ex…. I gave him everything…. I gave him all the love I could offer…. but then due to my stupidity, I lost the one person who ever made me feel whole…. I had committed to many mistakes, I honestly want him back… but he’s moved on… He was the only person who truly tried so hard to connect with me, to offer me safety in his arms. But I ruined all of this…. I ruin everything…
Most of my friends don’t like me for who I am.
My mother despises the fact that I can’t be the daughter she wants me to be…
The person who I was willing to sacrifice my life for, left m in the cold.
When will I ever see the light? It’s like I’m in a cold dark tunnel, and with each step I take, It gets darker and darker. Will I see the light? or will I just fade into the darkness? oblivion perhaps? I don’t know…
5 comments
Sorry your experiencing so much pain.
The relationship with our mothers is so complex… Sometimes some distance helps, stepping back from the emotions, quieting the self talk and the constant measuring of our experiences. Eventually we all need to find ways to nature ourselves to connect to our inner mother if you will, in a positive way.
“The person who I was willing to sacrifice my life for, left m in the cold”
On the surface “sacrifice” can appear to be a very romantic notion but in relationship we don’t really want the person we care about sacrificing themselves. If you think about it that would leave the one we loved alone, left to live with all the questions that such a sacrifice must raise… You’re also placing a lot of responsibility on the person you are ready to sacrifice yourself for.
(Your “Self” who you really are.. how can there be relationship without a Self”
There is a saying “love someone to death” (sometimes sadly literally true)
What might it be like to love someone to Life! The only sacrifice need is the letting go of all the crap that keeps getting in our way of becoming our best possibilities?
Why is it easier to sacrifice our self our life then to live our Life, and become our selves?
Why would we settle for anything less then our true Self in relationship?
You may find the following book helpful (wish I had read it when I was 19)
How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving – by David Richo
Is it really possible to love someone to life? 🙁 Thank you for your input it kinda helped me ponder on a few things and thank you for the book suggestion as well, I’ll read it as soon as I find a copy 🙂
Clumsyrella, ya, it’s hard to find humans who accept us just as we are. Most are critical, judgmental. Maybe join a group or groups that do things you’re interested in? It helps to be involved with like-minded people, I’ve found.
I want to 🙁 honestly I do, because I really don’t want to live like this forever…. I want to be able to talk to people release some of the pain w/o worrying about judgement. I don’t want to keep locking all the pain away. But so far, I haven’t found a good group yet to relate to. I love books, but then I can’t find anyone in my community with the same feelings towards books, the only place I’m starting to feel comfortable with releasing some pain, is on here. 🙂
I think its even more difficult to accept ourselves as we are.
I wonder about the concept of trust sometimes, if the difficulty trusting others isn’t really a failure of trusting ourselves. If I trusted myself, had confidence in my sense of self I wonder if my issues with trust would matter.