Have you ever loved two people at once? What even is love? Am i just depressed? is that why whoever makes me smile at the moment is who i want? Ive been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, and i don’t know if i feel the way i used to waking up in the morning. We still have fun the way we used to. We still laugh, we still have amazing sex. But then sometimes i wonder if she is just amazing sex that i was infatuated with. Can i build a life with her. Can i marry her? I am a lesbian. I like women. Penises disturb me and i cant imagine voluntarily handling one. However, on the other end of this is him. This boy who’s been around for years and makes everything but him disappear for a while. He’s an ass, and i don’t believe we’d ever last. but goddamn do i want him sometimes. like.. in the simplest of ways. not just sex. i want him to lie and say he loves me and hold my hand and try a little (no im not cheating on her, technically. I havent done anything but let him put his arm around me in the theater.) Even though she already does that. and when she does my world stops. I’d give her anything she ever wanted i swear. Id do anything to make her happy. Id do anything for her. I dont know why giving him up isnt included in anything. I dont know. Im going to go home to Iowa and her and i are going to move into our apartment and most likely live out our days together having great sex a couple kids and a couple affairs, well maybe not affairs maybe “open” periods. and one day im going to say goodbye to him and that will be that unfortunately. If you want me to be totally honest i dont know what i want okay? But i know whats going to happen. And im mostly okay with that. I just want one kiss from him before its over.
Wow… it has been over three years since I have been on this site. I found a new site I have been posting on more recently called inkvite. But I would like to take a step back and tell you my story…
As a child I had extremely bad separation anxiety but none of my doctors ever believed my mom. As I got old my mom noticed characteristics of ADD/ADHD in me and she tried to get me tested but no one would test me. She eventually gave up her fight.
As a middle schooler things started getting bad. I was always picked on and bullied. It was seventh grade, when I started to crave attention. I was gymnast at this time, but I really just used it as an excuse when I began to break my bones on purpose. I just wanted to fit in. I enjoyed the pain I put myself through. But that’s also when rumors and name calling got worse. Rumors like: she does it on purpose or she just wants attention. Names like: cripple, attention whore, fake, faker, or criplet. That year my sister made it public that she was a lesbian, so people started calling me gay because I hung out with this other girl so much. Even though the rumor wasn’t true it still got under my skin. I started drinking, smoking, and getting high every now and then with her. My grades started dropping and my mind never stopped thinking. That summer was good and had a lot of good memories. Then eighth grade started and it seemed like everyone remembered rumors and got a new vocabulary. They started to call me names like drama queen, fat, whore, *****, slut, brat, hoe, spoiled, attention whore, and anorexic. My dad began verbally abusing me and I would never tell my mom what I was going through. I bottled everything inside and somehow I had to make the pain go away and that’s when I began to cut. Soon enough it kept going and I was thinking about suicide. Well sure enough it was that day, but my attempt failed because my cousin realized that I wasn’t okay. When I went to school the next day I felt as though everyone could see through my fake smile. I cried in the bathroom stalls, praying for help, and screaming inside; but no one saw that. The only person they saw was an attention seeking, drama queen, who always over reacted. I stopped eating, I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin anymore. I even passed out a couple times at school due to starvation and dehydration. My grades kept sinking and nothing was going right. And then it was summer and I stopped my bad habits of drinking, smoking, and getting high. I got closer to God that summer but it seems all a dream now.
When high school began first semester was great and I met new friends and dropped bad friends. During second semester I started hearing more and more rumors again. Now bullying had gone from just verbal to physical. So then the cutting started again and it became an addiction because I couldn’t stop I had to cut every day the voices would tell me. One day school was so bad, I took scissors to the bathroom and cut six times. My best friend at the time Brittany, knew I had been crying and when she saw me in class she slammed her hands down on my desk and said “Alright whose ass do I need to kick”. I just laughed, a real laugh that I hadn’t heard in a while, and shook my head. This actually ended up saving my life that night.
It was summer again and everything was well until my “friend” Rebekah texted me and told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. It tore me apart. I got my gun I had hidden under my bed, I placed it up against my temple, and pulled the trigger. The gun wasn’t loaded. Later that summer I found out it was a dare and she actually followed through with it. She apologized and I forgave her. But we haven’t talked since.
In tenth grade everything started out okay, until drama started. I honestly can’t even remember exactly what it was about but I know it lead me to terrible things. I didn’t eat for weeks. I lied to my parents told them I ate lunch, but I would purge after dinner. I got a boyfriend… His name was Trey. I thought he was a good guy until he began sexually, physically, and verbally abusing me. My cousin actually broke up with him through a text message for me because I was so afraid of him. At the time we broke up I was talking to another guy his name was Nick. I screwed up my relationship with my family because no one ever told me he had actually dated my cousin. And turns out my whole family still thinks I broke up with Trey for Nick, which was not the case but yet I couldn’t tell them the truth. I told my mom I was cutting only because my Trey threatened to tell her if I didn’t get back together with him. I broke her heart down to tiny pieces, the one thing you never want to hear your mother say is “I’m not a good mother to my daughters.” She blamed herself for my sister and I’s decisions we made. She sent me to a counselor and the counselor helped some and she also sent me to a nutritionist whom I hated, that diagnosed me with anorexia. I was diagnosed and put on medication for depression and anxiety by my psychologist. I started cheering at a local all star gym and I had stopped cutting for a month. Then my mom and I started fighting, arguing, not seeing eye to eye. It was to the point I wanted to move out of that house or just die. We were on a family vacation at Disney World in Florida, that is when my dad hit me and my mom saw it. But this wasn’t the first time it had happened, it was only the first time my mom knew about. I thought my family was going to be torn apart, I knew it would be my fault, and I was scared. I kept the past abuse a secret from everyone. But I met a girl that was a little older than me, she was actually considered a coach at the gym. But one night she decided to message me on Twitter because my tweets sounded upsetting and she wanted to check on me. She changed my life. She’s always called me her lil and she will forever be my big. We share many unforgettable memories together and we are always there for each other. But things got bad and I started cutting again, not eating again, and was sent to Cone Behavioral Health Center and was kept there for the weekend. Once I was released and able to cheer again that is what I did.
I then got another boyfriend, Josh, a preacher’s kid. I met him through his sister because his sister and I cheered together. I thought I was head over heels for him until he began to treat me as a sex toy. So I felt not good enough, not pretty or perfect enough for him to actually care for. I stopped eating again, I was rushed to the hospital due to lack of nourishment and dehydration. He came to see me in the hospital, but he left when I had to stay over night. We got into a fight because my parents found out we were having sex, and that was it. I lost him and my “little sister” at the same time. My parents were still fighting with me, but I was doing well only cutting every now and then. Thanks to my “big” for helping me, supporting me, and loving me through all the ups and downs.
That summer I did some things I really regret because I think back to them and all I want to do is go back and never let them happen but I can’t. My cousin and I started to have feelings for each other… and it all started the day he jokingly smacked my butt. Things escalated from there, but we never had sex. We were at my Nana’s one night together and I was getting something to drink out of the refrigerator and he walked up behind me and grabbed my waist and pulled me backwards towards him. In that moment my Nana comes out of her bedroom and sees us. She starts yelling at us. I run to my bag, grab my blade, go to the bathroom and cry and cut and text my mom before the word gets to her before I do. I have never felt like a bigger disappointment to my entire family… I felt like everyone knew by the time I saw them all again. I was so embarrassed but it soon passed over. We both still talk and hangout now but we are never as close as we used to be.
I was now a high school senior and I had another boyfriend he first treated me with respect, care, and love and I fell for his games. Soon it was just a relationship that revolved around sex, again. I started to feel like that was all I was good for. Nothing made sense for me to be alive anymore because no one would ever treat me like the human being that I am. I dealt with bullying from my peers while I dated him because he was twenty and I was only 16-17. He broke up with me over the phone because he “needed space” it killed me because he was the first guy to actually treat me like a girl should be treated.
It was about mid September of 2014, when things got bad again. I didn’t want to go to school, I begged mom to home school me, I had panic attacks every day at school more than one every hour. School was literally killing me. Mom took the time to research what she could do to help me. She found a home-bound student program that took a while to go through. So I stayed at home, while once a week, one teacher would come to my house to give me work, pick up work, watch me take tests, and help me however I needed help. My life started turning around and I had planned to graduate early.
I was tested for ADD/ADHD in January 2015, finally I got the help I needed all along. ADD/ADHD stands for Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder, however I have a rare form of the disorder that connects to anxiety, depression, anorexia, and suicidal thoughts and actions. The doctor took me off my depression medication and put me on a starter dose of ADHD medication. All this time I was finally out of high school and I was still cheering for my all star team, I still had my “big,” but now I was on a younger team. I became a role model to most of them, but I became a big sister to one of them. I took her in just like my big took me in. This sisterhood brought joy to my life. I started to get better like really better. I was happy. I started going to college cheer practices and eventually tried out for my college cheer team. I didn’t want to find out if I made the team or not until after my all star teams last competition and I wanted to find out with them because they are the people who impacted my life so much that I wanted to keep going. That day after competition, Mother’s Day 2015, I cried tears of joy with my team because I knew it was the end of one journey and the beginning of another because I made the college team. That competition weekend I became really close to my “lil’s” family. She had a brother, Christopher, whom I began to be interested in. I had told myself and her before that I would never do that mistake again. But it wasn’t a mistake at all. I started dating him May 25, 2015. I opened up to him about my life and my past and he’s supported me, encouraged me, and helped me through every step of the way.
The summer before my freshman year at college was hectic to say the least. Running around town shopping for those “dorm essentials” and he followed me every step of the way. I had to have knee surgery that jeopardized my potential cheerleading career because I tore my meniscus. But he was there through it all, taking care of me when he could, giving my mom a break. His sister/my “lil” got mad/upset with us, it tore me apart to a point I thought about saving our friendship over my relationship. But I talked to their mom about things because if anyone knew both of them the best it was definitely their mom. She said to keep trying for my “lil” and trying to involve her. She said she would realize one day that she is going to be okay. Even though he had one more year of high school and we knew the distance would be hard we persevered. As a college freshman cheerleader, life was busy to say the least. If I didn’t have class, I had practice or lifts; if I didn’t have practice or lifts, I had a game; if I didn’t have a game, I had homework; if I didn’t go home, my family and Christopher would come see me. But my friendship with my “lil” started drifting away no matter how hard I tried. I felt like a failure and I cut again. I had forgotten how amazing it felt. That winter I was able to talk to my “lil” and spend some important time with her and we have been sisters ever since.
Summer 2016 rolls around and freshman year felt like a big blur. I had lost weight but gained muscle and I was happy with my body. But I had torn the same meniscus as the year before, but I had surgery earlier that summer. And he again took care of me whenever he could, balancing out school, homework, and chores. Soon our one year rolled around, I couldn’t believe after all these relationships ending at about two months each I had been with Christopher for a year. He got me a promise ring and I had never felt more special, real, or loved ever before. I secretly went to “Senior Week” with Christopher. I had alcohol again, but not too much. But I really did have fun, it was a big step for me to get out there but I am glad I did. But at the end of summer it was hard… He had made a promise to come to college with me the following year. I had warned him about the expense. I told him he didn’t have to come. But he promised me. When it started getting closer to time to start back he realized the truth in what I had been telling him. And he broke that promise. We got through it though. And I went back to college but this time as an education major and a normal sophomore.
Fall semester of sophomore year was really stressful for me. I was taking too many credit hours and becoming more stressed. I started realizing the people around me that had become friends to me were actually hurting me more. I cut every so often.. I distanced myself away from them only to find a really good friend. Me and my boyfriend are great. I am still fighting anorexia, cutting, and the constant voices in my head. I have new medications for panic attacks and anxiety, ADHD, insomnia, and allergies. I have now been diagnosed as ADHD, severe anxiety, mild depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS), Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), asthma, and other allergies. These disorders are not exactly a choice… because if they were I wouldn’t choose them. But they don’t define who I am they just make my personality complicated. I write to vent, to keep me going, to help get emotions out a safe way.
I hope my story encourages you that even if you feel like you have hit rock bottom that there is always another perspective. I know that I am not perfect and I make mistakes but I am human. I am learning and growing to be better, it isn’t easy and I may fail. But one day it will be worth it. I’ve gotten closer with God recently thanks to the inspiration of NF music. But it doesn’t make the relationship with him any easier. I do know this, that God still loves you no matter how many times you fail, disappoint, or push him away.
Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”
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Hi people, This is my second post and I need a little help. So I am in high school and there is a dance coming up. I plan to go but I would try to get a date. My issue is that I may like a girl, but because of my depression, I isolate my emotions and I don’t know how to ask a girl out or get in a relationship. Can anyone give me some advice?
Ive been struggling, struggling so much. Having no one to turn to is becoming a routine. Im almost accustomed to it really. I don’t even expect people to text/call me anymore. I don’t expect anything from anyone, and i never will honestly. Once you make a few mistakes, you’re labeled at “attention seeking”, crazy, bipolar, depressed. Ive only been home for a few months now, I was locked up for eight months, going through hell and then some. I guess you can say things fell apart completely after my sister committed suicide almost five years ago. I guess the problem was I was so young, and aware of what suicide really was. At the time I was only twelve. Now that I’m seventeen, the same age as my sister when she decided to end he life. I understand exactly why she did it. The pressure to be perfect, to please everybody to just have friends, or get your family to like/love you. Having/keeping up with the latest styles. Trying to be considered pretty, which just makes your self esteem lower then ever. Trying to not get involved in to social media which sucks the life outta you because people are constantly talking shit about you on twitter, on their snapchat stories, in the messages where the hell ever, you’re fucking being talked about. Anxiety/depression has taken a toll and control over my life. I stay up late very single night, then sleep to about five or six in the afternoon. My boyfriend has been away from home for about a year now, comes home friday after been locked up, and I’m acting like a crazy person. My biggest fear, is losing him, the other one if losing my mom. He’s helped me so much, he loved me when I didn’t even love me and taught me how to love myself, gave me attention, and spent time with me every single day just to make me feel loved and special. Since he’s been gone everything has fell the fuck apart and it sucks. His family hates me, says he won’t stay with me because I’m mentally unstable and he’s not going to want to spend the rest of his life making me stable, that he will leave me for someone better. Yesterday my Dad told me the wrong daughter died. Sometimes I wonder if i would have died instead of her, would things be different? I think no one would even notice to be honest, like I said I was away from home, for a long eight months. When i came home no one really even noticed that I was gone, it hurt because I felt invisible. Is till invisible. Maybe it should have been me.
- Hard work
- Self pity
I’ve been struggling with depression since I was 17 (I’m almost 21). There’s been early onset symptoms but I didn’t have a concept of depression until about 16. My grandparents all died really early. I’m the only child raised by my mom alone. While I care about her deeply in my own ways, she’s been verbally (and sometimes physical) abusive since I was 6 years old. She and I have very different temperament. When under stress, she blows up and goes ballistic. As for me, I just freeze up completely, and it would feel like my body’s constricted to the point that I can’t take in oxygen. The biggest problem of mine has always been not being able to connect with human beings on a general level. In social situations, I show interest in people and ask them questions to get to know them, but it doesn’t ever seem to be reciprocated for me. I have gone through life feeling like some kind of animal/creature whose species is completely extinct and there’s only me left of my kind. Sometimes, the alienation that I feel suddenly becomes so overwhelming that it would make me physically weak. The feeling would come in waves, like panic attacks.
I don’t really fight with people (arguing and yelling etc) but when I do make friends, they always vanish. Mom won’t understand this concept, but I identify as nonbinary gender (meaning you don’t feel you fit in either one end or the other of the female-male spectrum). My girlfriend of half year just disappeared on me two weeks ago without a word of explanation. I literally cannot get a word out of her. She’s been just amazing to me, and for the first time, I felt like I had support, that I had a safe place to go to. Since she “broke up” with me, I have been sick to my stomach and cannot eat. I am convinced this is caused by some universal force working against me, because I don’t think I did anything wrong, and she would never purposely hurt me. I just felt that this really drew the line, and I cannot stop obsessing over the idea that my existence isn’t meant to be. I like myself and I know I have good qualities, but I feel that life’s pain far surpasses the amount of joy. This is simply too much.
I’ve been well aware of my anxiety and depression for a while now (5 years). I am 20. I go through phases of suicidal thoughts. I’m mostly fine, but sometimes it all becomes too much and I want to die. I’ll google the painless way to kill yourself.
Last summer I started dating a guy. He is wonderful and kind and sweet and caring. He is who you dream of meeting. But. There’s always a but. I think we fell in love too soon, too fast. Because now, 8 months later, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I love him. But I know he loves me. He is so in love with me it hurts to talk to him because I know I can only hurt him. I’m anxious all the time because I know it has to end eventually. I know he isn’t the one. But I know it will crush him.
I keep all this bottled inside me, afraid to even say it out loud. I just want the world to stop. I want to stop existing. I care about him, but I’m not in love with him and now I don’t know how to handle all this anxiety. It would be easy to just say I should leave him because that is what is best for me, but that causes all new kinds of sadness and anxiety knowing I caused him pain. I almost wish I hadn’t met him because then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to break someone’s heart…
This is a question that I am posting in hope of an answer, most of my other posts are simply because I need to get it off my chest, but this is a life situations I really need help on.
Maybe this isn’t the place to do it, but, well it links in.
I am a rape victim, I was caught up in an verbally, physically and sexually abusive relationship in my teens.
I have been with my partner for 2 years now, we have discussed engagement and everything is okay. That is exactly why I feel so trapped, it’s just so – ‘okay’. I mean we have these amazing romantic nights in, and go out on midnight strolls like it’s still the first few months, and everything we do is straight out of a romance. But, it’s the fact it’s with him. I don’t know how or why I feel like this, he is lovely to me, he is nice, generous, caring and devoted. He is physically attractive and active in the bedroom. I feel like I am not good enough to have him, and ontop of his the fact I don’t return his deep affections makes me feel so ashamed. I am aware other women would die for this ‘flawless’ man. But I can’t bring myself to feel the same way.
To the point where I have an intense interest in another man which has been going on for 6 months.
I know what is morally right. Pick a side, cut off romance with one or the other and stay completely loyal, but it’s just so hard. My current relationship is stable but makes me depressed. However this new ‘exciting’ option could fall down around me and leave me with nothing and I am completely lost on to what to do.
I do not want to hurt anyone, I do not want to hurt myself, I do not want to be lost back into the sadness I feel so many years ago when I found myself alone again.
What can I do.
I don’t normally tell people about what I’ve been through and well since this is a website where no judgement will be placed on a person if they express themselves, I might as well use this opportunity to release some of my pains and emotions.
This is just a summary….
Hi my name is__________________.
I’m a girl with many fears and very little memory of what I’ve done in the past. I can only remember the key points in my life that really messed me up, it’s rare that I’m able to remember something happy.
I’m 19 years old. I have two half sisters, that I’ve never met. Me and My dad were really close, but he died when I was 10… a week before my birthday.While me and my mom don’t get along well…. We would always be fighting even over the most pointless matters. Don’t get me wrong I love my mom, but getting beatings from her every single time I commit a little mistake or do something she doesn’t like, well there’s only so much a person can take before they start talking back. You may ask, “Whats the worst thing your mom has ever done to you?” I can name too experiences, one where in she used a metal pipe to beat me up until I bled, and second she threatened me with a butchers knife and told me how much she regretted ever giving birth to me.
I don’t have many friends, I tend to push people away sometimes…. You see… It’s hard to trust people in general, especially if you do your best to bare your soul with them and they end up telling other people what you’ve been telling them and changing some parts of the story to make you look like the bad guy or maybe even a slut.
I tried to trust one person tho’ my boyfriend… well my recent ex…. I gave him everything…. I gave him all the love I could offer…. but then due to my stupidity, I lost the one person who ever made me feel whole…. I had committed to many mistakes, I honestly want him back… but he’s moved on… He was the only person who truly tried so hard to connect with me, to offer me safety in his arms. But I ruined all of this…. I ruin everything…
Most of my friends don’t like me for who I am.
My mother despises the fact that I can’t be the daughter she wants me to be…
The person who I was willing to sacrifice my life for, left m in the cold.
When will I ever see the light? It’s like I’m in a cold dark tunnel, and with each step I take, It gets darker and darker. Will I see the light? or will I just fade into the darkness? oblivion perhaps? I don’t know…
So lately all my friends want me to help them with relationships of their own. I don’t know all the answers sometime and thats what usually makes me feel bad. When i can’t find out how to help i feel bad i cry and just go on a rampage. One of my exs still a very good friend of mine started to tell me to focus on my own relationship. For some reason i never listened but now a days all i try and do is be there for them. But then my so called friends make me feel like crap cause im not helping them in any way. Well of course fucking not okay i have a life i have a relationship okay i need to focus on my own if i want to be happy. See im not always going to be in their lives so they need to sort of learn to just talk to each other and work it out. I dont want to be the one that has to feel bad when everything goes down the drain cause i couldnt help. Im not going to blame for them anymore. Not their relationships or others. I learned how to deal with mine so why cant they. Im still trying to be there for them but then they just say oh you’re not even helping you’re just pretending. Thats what gets to me like why the fuck in this whole entire world would i pretend. If i was i wouldnt be sitting there right next to you listening to you while giving you hugs and patting and petting your head and give you shit to make you feel like it wasnt your fault. Like why the fuck would i do that im not that fucking type to be doing that shit cause that….thats just fucked up. So next time when im there next to you trying to help you dont go saying im fucking pretending okay.
My feelings of this topic out. I feel better thanks for reading.
P.s I will listen and give advice all im saying is just not to say im pretending or being fake. Mkay bye.
My social isolation has increased since I entered my thirties two years ago. I have been single for some time. My friends have all settled into marriage and are now beginning the project of making babies. As they develop, I’m left behind. The more I stagnate, the more they pity me. The more they pity me, the less inclined they are to spend what little spare time they have with me. Exchanges become awkward. The result is that I’m not stagnating, I’m regressing. My alienation from others is cresting into hatred. I was raised and still live in NYC, where extreme privilege is now always on dramatic display. The people that have come to live in my neighborhood are almost universally attractive and seem to enjoy all the privileges that follow effortlessly from that trait. They seem to smugly congratulate themselves for the inherited qualities–beauty in particular–that account for much of their social and therefore professional success. Their self-congratulation shows up in the contempt they show for average, or below-average looking people like me. I am short. Women ignore me. When forced to engage–for example when someone introduces us–their eyes narrow or they look on me with embarrassed amusement. This is not imagined paranoia. I’ve lived elsewhere: Boston and Chicago. This rarely, if ever, happened there. I am beginning to dislike and resent women. My experience shatters the myth that women are much more forgiving of physical “defects” than men; that they are more responsive to non-physical traits like intelligence, education, humor, or personality. At 5’7″ the trait I’m most noticeably lacking is height. I’m educated and, when not crushed by depression, I make people laugh. Process of elimination together with the fact that taller friends with less charisma succeed easily with women who barely consent to engage with me in conversation, lead me to the conclusion that interest in other traits is just a pretense. It’s almost as if my body makes them feel uncomfortable; as if I’m deformed. None of this has prevented me, until lately, from proactively pursuing a girlfriend. I’ve relied mostly on online dating sites. In profiles on the site, women consistently state an interest in the same set of qualities. I write them brief notes exhibiting these qualities. The vast majority, including those who seem to have a similar market-value as me, ignore me. Those that do respond seem invariably to punish me for being “too nice”. All of this is contributing to a perception of women as entitled, ruthless, confused beings with contradictory desires. I must be kind but aloof. Ambitious but not take life or myself “too seriously”. I’m punished if I display certain emotions but also if I’m emotionally inaccessible. I can’t help but think that these variables wouldn’t matter much if only I were 3″ taller. These ways in which women oppress men are under-appreciated and if I express them to friends or family, in an effort to alleviate my angst, they suggest that I’m being misogynistic. I am so lonely and because my loneliness seems to come from my physical “defect” I’ve lost a lot of incentive to develop myself or pursue previous interests. After all, the source of loneliness cannot be eliminated. Even with this incentive intact, I would not be able to develop myself because of the distraction created by the constant compulsion to somehow destroy my loneliness. I sacrificed my college years to hard work to gain admission to a PhD program. I’m now dropping out after struggling fecklessly against severe depression and epilepsy for three years. I feel cast out by humanity and saddened by the inborn prejudices that condemn me and which make our species morally repugnant. I am becoming wretched. Â I have revenge fantasies in which I kill myself as a message of revolt against humanity. (These never involve violence towards others). In reality, I wouldn’t be missed. Friends and family might experience a pang of guilt for feeling reluctantly relieved by the elimination of the burden I impose. Obviously, I am narcissistic and self-pitying. I see this but, at the same time, my challenges are very real, I’ve been struggling against them for some time, and my situation seems legitimately hopeless. I am so saddened and disappointed in human beings. I am so lonely. I do not feel that I can survive much longer. This is not a biologically driven illness, it is due to circumstances which are in fact hopeless and which relegate me to unending loneliness, inactivity, and decline. I do not feel I can survive much longer.
Do the wounds or damage caused by a personsÂ past ever fade or go away? With me the answer is always no. Everywhere i turn there’s someone or something that reminds me of a past i wish wasn’t mine. My past has changed me in ways i wish it hadn’t. Because i don’t believe i was meant to be someone with an inability to trust anyone, someone whose afraid to trust someone enough to let them in , because trust means giving someone your heart and trusting them not to break it. But, i’ve been burned so many times by those closest to me, my mum, my best friend of almost a decade, and many other people but those are the most significan. But it’s the constant betrayal of those i choose to trust, that leaves me withÂ emotional and physical scars that never fade or go away that remind me of all my past failures and that leaves me paralyised. and life is suppose to be about finding someone who you can connect with and trust with all your heart, but how can you do that heartbreak afterÂ heartbreak…when you’ve been rejected, betrayed and burned by every relationship you’ve ever had. How can i keep taking a leap of fate, giving someone my heart and trusting them not to break, when thats all that’s ever happened to me?
I’m Â from the middle east. Female, ex-muslim, the worst combination in the worst place. Anyway, I’m not doing so well socially too.
There’s a big community of atheists on Facebook which I joined, and even there I just couldn’t express myself or get involved with them.
I just don’t belong anywhere. I lived as an expat in another country here in the region, and kept moving all the time so never had the chance to make friends, or fit in a stereotype which people would accept. I’m just an awful mix of everything I’ve seen or heard.
I’ve been through alot of shit, just like everyone else, Â obviously. It all started the moment I realized god is a fairytale. It happened in just a day, and I think religion was all I trusted but never reasoned. Anyway I’m over that now.
Some horrible stuff happened when my family knew I’m an atheist. They knew by accident ofcourse. The amount of bullshit they believe and act upon is unbelievable. Now I don’t know who you are or where you’re living. But If you’re living in one of those first world countries then all I’m expecting you to think is that we’re barbarians uncivilized people, and guess what, you’re right!
But there is this tiny little fraction of us who managed to wake up in the middle of this nightmare, I’m starting to believe it’s some gene mutation I don’t know, cause no matter how much logic you put on correcting the bullshit here they just don’t get it.
I’m listening to lots of people in their 40’s talking about aging, how awful it feels, you know, dying slowly. Or being dysfunctional in some parts, that doesn’t seem good, I know I’m in my early 20’s but I keep thinking I’m already halfway there.
20+ years passed and I haven’t lived. Buried alive, like literally. This Hijab or veil bullshit, and the happiness is a taboo as long as you’re a virgin, just don’t smile and act as a f* piece of slave. I still have alot to do to get out of here, if I ever did. And even though I might succeed if I tried, but does it really worth it? I’m already 20 something, that gives me how long to enjoy before starting to break down? 10 years? Well fuck it, I may not be able to make it anyway.
I’m having bad luck with my boyfriend. I guess it’s my problem not his. I just can’t manage some personal issues I’m having, I don’t get it, but it’s painful.
I was just reading some peoples posts in here and I thought to myself, why the heck do you complain. I mean nothing is wrong with suicide, I think my life sucks, If you’re born in the middle east and you don’t have a penis just kill yourself. That’s it.
Don’t wait to listen to the hope bullshit. There is no hope. It’s just what it is. Wrong person, wrong mindset, wrong place. Easy, just kill yourself in silence.
I think I wrote here to at least have my story told. And even though I wrote that much I haven’t said a thing.
PS: I tagged the category “Stories of Hope” as I sometimes think that maybe, just maybe, if someone saw the shit I’m in s/he’ll be more tolerant with the shit they’re in.
I got to this point where I didn’t want to die. I saw my future for the first time in years. I thought I had a future. I thought maybe I mattered, that maybe I could survive, that people liked me and I could handle relationships. I was so wrong. Here I am, in college sitting in my closet, wanting to escape again. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t have enough left in me to keep going. But I also made the mistake, in the time that I was feeling ok about myself and my life, to get attached to people again. I had stopped caring before. I had been smart enough to detach myself from their reality. But now I care too much, and I know that people care about me. Yet, how can I continue? I’ll never get my degree. I’ll never really fit in with any person or group of people. I’ll never find a career that I love and desire. I’ll never be good enough for myself or anyone else. I’ll never find a love that could endure my mental health fiasco. I’ll never feel better. I just can’t take much more of this existence. I hate to think that my life is draining anyone else, but I know it is. I know people are worried about me. I know they care too much and don’t understand enough to try and help. It’s exhausting, and nobody deserves that. Even my own counselor won’t answer my emails. I do hope that things are ok with her. I would never want to be here feeling sorry for myself because she won’t answer only to find out that she’s sick or something terrible happened. I don’t know. I’m just so self-centered and selfish. I try to help others, but I’m so insecure that it’s hard. I just wish there were more options, but I’m stuck.
People say it’s life, and that whatever life throws at you, take it with ease. But then, they freak out when things do not go their way. I’m refering to my mum here, and others I have known, do the exact same thing, and it bothers me to no end. I mean, I’m not perfect, not perfect at all, but when life throws me curve balls, I try to take it. I won’t always say that I do well, but I try.
Another thing I’d like to mention is love and relationships here. I have seen the way my mum and dad treat each other. My mum is the more pushy one, and I don’t like that. It’s always something to wine about. I understand that I should treat my parents with respect, but a relationship between one loving spouse to another, should not be the way my parents is. My dad works 8 hours a day. My mum is a stay at home mum which I’m ok with. It’s comments that I hear like “If I wasn’t here I honestly don’t think you would care about the family,” she said to him this morning. I think she does not know that I can hear these things. I think she wants us, her kids, to believe that all is well in life and that she and my dad are in a happy relationship, which they are not. My dad is never mean to her, always tries to make her happy, I don’t know how he does it. They have been married for like 29 years or so, and I always knew the relationship had much to be desired, since about 8.
I read a study recently that suggests 89 percent of couples are unhappy. And from what I have seen from my family and others, I believe it.
From how my mum treats my dad, and other siblings treat my nephew and neice, I do not wish ever, to fall in love with a woman. If this is how a relationship is of romance and love, I want nothing to do with it.
My life isn’t tough, it’s not like some people’s on here. But I do struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts of most of which, you will never hear about. And people that are unkind to each other, and disfunctional relationships and toxic people, do not make this any easier for me.
People say, when your 15 through 20, you won’t like your parents, and after 10 years or so, you will. I don’t know about this one, for me, at least.
My parents are Christian, as I’d like to think I am as well, but people shouldn’t treat others with hurtfull words and such, like my family does to each other.
I already struggle with being alone and feeling lonely and such, it really doesn’t help to have others that are not kind.
I can’t tell many people close about my feelings because 1, they would say your just a teen, it gets better, or 2, Quit wining. I don’t want to take this life much longer.
Sorry for the rant.
Ive never been close with my dad ever. i cant remember the last time i had a proper conversation with him that lasted over 2 minutes. this isnt because he is a horrible man who i would want to block out of my life, infact he is the most kind-hearted and gental man that is accepting. when i was diagnosed with depression i had a lot of anger inside of me that i had no where to put it and because he is so gental and kind it seemed like he was easy to step on and let my anger out on. i truely dont mean it but when im in those moods i dont think till after. he works 5 days a week all day and night and its very rare i see him but when i see him im always angry or just not in the mood to talk. my mum hates him and they fight all the time, shes very controlling and always makes us side with her. her behaviour rubs off onto me and i hate it, i just want to side with him sometimes. i want to tell him how sorry i am and that i do regret my attitude to him through the last year, but its just too difficult. im sorry
I can’t exactly say when it started because I don’t know, my life has just been full of bad events snowballing until I finally released it all.
From a very young age I felt alienated from everyone, I felt that nobody was like me.
It didn’t help that I had a young mother, she had me at 14, Â because I felt that she wasn’t approachable. Also, she was often getting into new relationships which involved a lot of men. I found it very hard ad still find it very hard, to connect with new people so this was an issue for the first 5 years of my life. These men weren’t even nice, I would go as far as saying that some of them were monsters. They used to make me feel like I was a burden and that me belonging was a hindrance. Â They used to shout at me, say nasty things to me and so on.. A memory that sticks in my head was regarding one of my mum’s exs, Steve. A have always been very fond of animals and we got a kitten, it was the best thing that happened to me! But this monster picked the kitten up and threw it against a wall, killing it, I was distraught, my best friend was gone! Another story involving Steve was when I was only 4 and was in a fire, but that day Steve tidied the room and left lighters in reach, obviously being children that was a bad thing to do. Anyways, he was the one that got me and my 5 year old aunty from the fire, posing a ‘hero’ when in actual fact, he caused it. I used to watch these men beat my mum black and blue and I had to sit and watch as there was nothing I could do. Â But then when I was 5, Â my mum met Darran, I deserved a good father figure for once…
Things seemed to be going okay, that was until my uncle commit suicide. It all happened very quickly and was completely out of the blue. At the time I was at an Easter group and when me and my aunty got picked up from there, that was when it was unravelled. I had never seen my grandad cry and this day he did. There was no explanations he just told us that he had died. I would not wish it upon any 7 year old to hear words such as those. Just to see how everyone was was heartbreaking! Everywhere I looked there was people crying and at that age it is hard to comprehend why. It was the years after that when my mum was the worst she has ever been; she used to sit in her room all day and night surrounded by candles self harming and listening to sad music. The worst part about that was that I felt powerless, what could a young girl like me do? This was when mine and my mum’s relationship was at it’s worst!
Bad things continued to happen but I just tried to deal with them such as my great grandad dying and my great grandma dying. But these times were made a little easier because my mum was given the help she needed.
On rare occasions I would have these extreme tantrums and wouldn’t understand why. They were made worse by my mum calling me things such as ‘freak’ and ‘maniac’ but i understand that this was probably because my behaviour was unexpected and she didn’t know why it was happening- Â but nor did i. During these tantrums it would feel as though there was so much going on in my head and my head was spinning.
School was okay, there was the odd comment about my appearance but because I was popular I didn’t really care what they had to say. But as I grew up and moved onto high school that’s where I did start to care what people said to me.
In the early years of high school I became curious of where I came from. Even though Darran was a brilliant father figure I needed to know who my real dad was. Anyways, months of looking for him, I found him. I was speaking to him over facebook and everything seemed good. I then arranged to meet him with my mum, he thought it would be a good idea. Â Then it was a couple of hours before when he told me he had “more important priorities” and didn’t meet me. I was distraught. Ever since my uncle died I had a figurative barrier around myself because I feared that everyone that came into my life would reject me and then leave my life. So this was a big deal me finding him and he had just reinforced why I put a barrier up. I felt I needed answers so one day I turned up at his door. When he answered all he said was ‘what’, well then I broke down in front of him and he told me I was an ’embarrassment’ and never wanted to see me again. I have sent him letters every birthday since declaring what he has missed so many years, still nothing. To this day I don’t speak to him and I feel my life is better without him.
In high school I met a boy, of whom I thought would be a lovely boyfriend. I was wrong. At first it was good, it was a bit overwhelming though because he was my first boyfriend so I wasn’t used to having attention on me. It was a few months into it that he started to turn, he wanted to get more serious and I didn’t because I was only 13. He wanted a sexual relationship and to be honest I didn’t feel comfortable- this, he did not like. So when I refused his admissions he would hit me, shout at me and call me names. He couldn’t wait any longer and forced me to endure sex with him. He threatened me and said that if I told anyone I would regret it, so I didn’t, until years later.
After this I became very paranoid about myself and could not find a good thing to say about myself.
Then my GCSEs started, the pressure was too much and I couldn’t take it! This is when the self harm started!
I cut my arms every night for a week until I told someone, it was my best friend Rebecca. She promised to not tell anyone and she didn’t.
Then one day in my German class we were practising for our oral tests and someone, who I thought was a good friend, shouted ‘er, what is that on your arm?’ I felt completely humiliated and ran out of the class when my teacher stopped me and asked me what was wrong, she saw so I had to explain. She then took me to someone who demanded that I went straight to A&E. Me, my mum and Darren waited there for 5 hours until I was seen by someone. They did everything that they needed to and sent me up to the children’s ward where I was told I would have to stay until Monday. When Monday came I was seen by the CAMHS (Children Adolescent Mental Health Service). After that meeting they told me that it was just my teenage hormones and sent me home. As soon as I got home the self harming got worse and deeper and within 2 days I was back at A&E. I was seen twice in two days by two different members of CAMHS. The first said what the last said. Then on the second day a Psychiatrist said that she was appalled about the way that I had been treated and she felt that I was a massive risk. I was then put on anti-depressants and given meetings at CAMHS. I got let out on my 14th birthday. I ended up in hospital at least once a week, after that, due to self harm and attempted suicides through hanging and overdoses. Every time I was they told me there was nothing wrong and that I should be released. This just made me feel as though I was making everything up. It made me feel as though I was a hindrance to everybody.
It took about 2 months until someone actually realised that I was struggling a lot. My Psychiatrist from CAMHS felt that I wasn’t safe to be in the community and demanded I went back to A&E. You can imagine how frustrated I was, especially because of the amount of school work I had missed. She also asked whether someone from a local psychiatric ward would come and visit me. After waiting in the children’s ward for just over 2 weeks, I got an assessment. He felt that it may be beneficial for me to go there. So I did.
The first night in there was the worst night of my life, it was hell! I just didn’t fit in. I got a conditional discharge a day later. The following day I took a massive overdose of 300 tablets. I was rushed into hospital by an ambulance and was taken back to the psychiatric ward the following day and was threatened that if I didn’t comply I would be sectioned, so I obviously complied.
Every day in there felt like a chore, I would do what I needed to and then return to my room so I wasn’t around anybody. This is the way I liked it. I received intense therapy on a daily basis but didn’t feel that it helped that much. During my time in there I took 2 large overdoses and was admitted to A&E. I also stopped eating and drinking and got send to A&E for that too. I think the longest time, I recall, was not eating for 2 weeks and not drinking for 4 days.
In the psychiatric ward I was diagnosed with a serious case of Depression, Anxiety and an Autistic condition, Aspergers Syndrome. This helped me understand; my tantrums, how unsympathetic I was, how lonely and different I felt, how people found me offensive yet I could’t see it, and so on..
I was in this psychiatric hospital for 6 months until I demanded to be released. I didn’t feel that it helped. I could honestly say that being in that hospital did change me, it made me not want to continue my life this way, the other patients influenced this. Even though there was 8 patients, including me, they had a massive impact on me- it wasn’t for the good either. They just made me realise that they don’t have lives, they’re constantly moving from hospital to hospital with no aspirations at all.
I was released but only on promise that I wasn’t admitted back into A&E. I was given therapy sessions from CAMHS on a weekly basis. Obviously I still felt depressed but I knew that I couldn’t return to the life inside the hospital. So I continued to self harm but told nobody and kept it well hid.
These bad thought led me to destructive behaviour and to just lose all self respect. Due to the way that I had been treated by my first love I felt that no-one would ever love me, which is why I just let males do whatever they wanted to me; if they wanted sex, I gave it to them. This went on for years and it was only recently that I decided that I could’t do it anymore. I cannot be used all my life, I am worth more and I know I will find someone eventually, it is just a waiting game.
I was put into a school setting but wasn’t Â a proper school, that is where I continued my studies. It felt so difficult because of missing around 10 months of school, but I caught up. When my results came through everybody was shocked at how well I did, I still attained A*s, As and Bs.
At 16, CAMHS was out of my life because they only help up to the age of 16. I was asked whether I wanted to go on to adult services but I didn’t, I needed to stop relying upon people and do it myself and I did.
I was very happy for a while and then things got worse again, my mood deteriorated and self harm again.
I went to my GP to receive help but they told me that I would have to wait months as I wasn’t ‘serious enough’. I felt how I felt at the beginning of it all, like no-one believed me and I was on my own. I couldn’t wait around, I just tried to help myself and hoped that the best would come of it.
I am now at college studying A-levels and doing okay. I am actually studying psychology because eventually I would like to become a psychologist and help those that need it, like I have done all them years. I also feel that I could be beneficial because I have been there and I do know what it is like.
I still wake up everyday wishing I wasn’t here but I have to live with the reality that I am still here. I do struggle a lot and still cut my body on a regular basis but I just tell myself that I cannot go back into the routine of being in hospital every week and that is what keeps me going.
So, that is my story, I hope that people read it and take something from it. I have gone from being admitted onto a general children’s ward 10 times through self harm, 6 for attempted suicide and being in a psychiatric hospital , in the space of 10 months, to nothing now. I am not proud or happy with the life that I have lived but I have learnt a lot about myself and others- I consider it a learning experience.
Roses are red
Violets arenâ€™t blue
My hurt skips beats
When Iâ€™m with you
Your eyes so big
My heart so blue
You can not see
It yearns for you
Blind to it
I know its true
But god almighty
I wish he knew
Every second I think of you
Thoughts are endless they hurt too
Like a twisting rode
Plunged threw my heart
We are forever
Ment to be apart
Not gods will
Your just to smart
All ways tend to part
So we stay friends
Makes my heart depart
But friends are forever
thatâ€™s a start
If one day you should change your mind
Iâ€™m here forever
Because for you my love is blind -Waste2304
I write poetry i have a few…i right off personal exsperience hope you enjoy it 🙂
Of course I realise that I don’t want to die. Â I just want everything to stop. Â Or change, I don’t care. Â I supposed I will create a list of “Things I don’t like about myself”.
1. I am very overweight.
2. I drink too much alcohol.
3. I can’t apply myself to anything
4. I can’t deal with anything that stresses me.
5. I am anxious and unable to form real friendships or relationships
6. I just want to stop!
Feelings of anxiety grip my chest, causing a wave of tension to travel both down to my legs and up through my back and neck to my face and the side of my head. Â It sounds clichÃ©d but then again I put that down to my self deprecating attitude. Â I am hoping that the act of writing down these things will help me feel better. Â Even if no one were ever to read them, I have told the internet!
Why can’t I face my problems?
Why must I always hide?
Why must I always lose trac of my effort? dammit why?
No matter what it is, no matter what I do, no matter what I was thinking barely seconds before, why must I always deviate from what I’m doing???
Whether studies, sports or whatever the hell I actually do nowadays, I just don’t seem to care, I just let myself surf the flow of the waves of thought instead of maintaining my course.
And, when I realise it, its always too late, relationships always destroyed, failing grades, competitions lost.
Every-fucking-one of my teachers or guardians or bosses are angry at me. Because, whatever the problem, whatever the job, I just cant focus!!!!
My behaviour caused my current state of being a social pariah, someone with whom no one would ever associate, the one everyone looks down upon, the one who is always just, just the worst.
Yet, I cant-no, I won’t- change my behaviour despite the fact that everytime I exit the trance of thoughts, I feel like i want to murder, to destroy my imprint on this world.
I don’t understand why I exist anymore